Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

How do you get the id?

Also, whether she is entitled to state pension or not, there are additional benefits for people over the state pension age to bring them up to a survivable standard of living.

www.gov.uk/pension-credit

Women recovering from abuse don't need the message "hammered home".

I'm not sure if this is helpful but my DH was a SAHD and I claimed the child benefit.

We were able to transfer the NI credits to him retrospectively.

@Newchapterbeckons Do you mean she hasn't worked at all in 20 years?!!!

You can register for the government gateway ID as part of the process of checking your pension.

She last worked exactly 20 years ago in May if thar helps? When she had dd1. So no credits since then. She was freelance back then.

It's a waste of time wondering what will happen when she is 70 (which will be the new pension age.)

She can go to the Gov UK site and get a pension prediction online but it's pointless at the moment.

She will need to work for another 20 years (before she gets any pension at all.)

Have you and no other family members ever raised the issue of being dependent on a man?

It seems so odd that she's lived in cloud cuckoo land for all this time.

I'm not sure about the UK, I live in Australia . Married or defacto you have the same rights. As she has been the one looking after the children this should be taken into consideration, as well as her health and future capacity to earn money. She could be entitled to a higher division of assets than 50%. He can't just cut her off. Totally understand her mental state. Perhaps you can help her apply for benefits and call a social worker if there is something available. Thank goodness she has you. You sound very supportive and empathetic. She doesn't sound in a fit state to get a job for now. Check any govt websites, law firm website for more info. Get as much free or low fee legal advice. Are there mediation services there?

That's normal. Everyone gets credits for full time child care until the child is 18.

But you need 35 years for a full pension.

And this will change.

She's 49.

The pension age now is 67 and will rise to 70 at least by the time she is eligible.

You aren't in the UK.

It's not the same as Oz.

The U.K. and Australia are completely different in this respect.

In the U.K. if you are not married you have no rights unless other legal documents have been put in place - so eg jointly owning property.

It’s not hard to prove - you’re making that up to suit your spurious argument.

She should contact HMRC there is a form to transfer pension credits from one person to another who had kids and lived under the same roof. I think she could make a case that she was unaware that he was receiving pension credits that as the SAHM she should have been entitled to. https://www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility You can buy back years too (back to 2006) but it’s expensive unless you were self employed. She should also contact Women’s Aid about it! Maybe contact the This Is Money website and ask if they have advice as they seem to be tackling the issue of women losing out on pensions from
not being properly informed https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/pensions/article-6890643/amp/Couple-wrong-child-benefit-form-win-state-pension-credits.html

We ALL did, over the years. Especially my parents. At first she said they were happy as they were, but over time it became obvious it was because he didn’t want to get married.
They were engaged for ages and she wears a ring. Just when it came to getting married, he would make excuses. Eventually he just said he didn’t believe in marriage and dc are the biggest commitment you can have with another person.

Oh, okay, that really tough

@ExactlySo I agree - only she knows what went on behind closed doors. Was it her choice not to work? Was it her choice to sell her flat (that in particular seemed a big red flag). Was it her choice to lose contact with friends? Sometimes it can be hard for people to realise at the time that they are being controlled. But she may have been happy to not work and not have to deal with finances, believing she was in a secure relationship.

I haven't read the whole thread - but legal advice is a necessity in these circumstances. Paid for legal advice. You get what you pay for - though I am going to give these pointers for free.

Firstly, your sister is experiencing grief, like a death, and she will come to terms with each step of that in her own time. But she has kids, so she cannot be self-indulgent for long; I don't mean that negatively, but she will have to pull her socks up and put her big girl pants on very soon. And very likely will, so try not to worry too much, but also try not to over-indulge, as that won't make her take control - and she's going to need to feel that she has some control.

She may be unmarried, but they have kids together, so whilst he thinks he can sell the house from under her, she should sit tight and not agree anything until he provides a plan as to how they are going to house the kids until the youngest is 18. If she can afford the mortgage on her own (she may be able to once UC and CM is resolved), then she can ask a court to delay any sale until the youngest is 18. TOLATA is the law which guides sales for cohabitees and it says the kids' needs can be taken into account in any decision.

She must not delay claiming CM as it's not backdated: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance - do it today.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit - she can check to see if she can transfer it to herself since she is the one caring for the kids.

She may have a claim under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989, but she'll need a solicitor.

So secondly, she needs to instruct one: solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk

@ExactlySo I don't think I explained myself well. My DH missed out on NI credits as I had claimed the child benefit. We were able to reinstate his NI credits up until the youngest was 12 (not 18).

So it might be possible for the sister to claw back some of the NI credits. Quite a few years worth.

That was presumably with your full permission, though? I'm not sure if any mechanism exists to claw them back if the ex declines to give them, which it seems clear he will. Worth exploring, though.

not sure if this will help given how much of a bastard this guy is. but does he care what his own family think? are they decent people and can they help persuade him to do some sort of financial settlement?

Given how hostile her ex is being now, it’s unlikely he’ll even grant her such a thing.

It's useful to know this is possible though.

If she can afford the mortgage on her own (she may be able to once UC and CM is resolved), then she can ask a court to delay any sale until the youngest is 18.

That’s interesting.

@Newchapterbeckons how much are the monthly mortgage/bill payments?

Has she put in a child maintenance claim? Did you say he was self-employed?

I hope so. He is not being cooperative at all, will she need him to do this?

Right now he has blocked her and told her he is gunning for top lawyers and will not be giving an inch. The law is on his side and he doesn’t need her to play ball. The way he swore at her on his last text shows me he is either in the throes of a midlife crisis himself or is a really nasty piece of work and we just didn’t see it.

You're a shit hot lawyer are you experienced in financial abuse? @urbanbuddha

Or is it just your opinion?

Your nephew might qualify for DLA or CDP if you are in Scotland. It will help with some of the additional costs that having a kid with SN's occurs. If your sister applies for it, it will be paid to here. She can also put in a counter claim for the Child Benefit, the Child benefit people will assess the claim, as she has full time care of them it should be granted. Getting a professional, perhaps a teacher to write a supporting letter explaining this will also help this process.