Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Maybe she could do a short childcare qualification and work in a nursery. She has lots of experience.

She is neither spouse or civil partner.

I would say abuse trumps theft personally.

If 13 year old son has adhd has she looked into if he’s eligible for pip/dla and that in turn would entitle her to carers allowance and other benefits. He sounds quite severe if he’s 13 and can’t be left.

She is now facing ruin this is the mindset she has to change, many many other women have been through same or worse, she really needs to get pro active, check her rights, claim everything she's entitled to. Crying and messaging the OW won't help her, time to be angry and get herself sorted and not let this vile man take up any more of her time.
I really hope she wouldn't take him back.

As long as she’s got a clean dbs she would be ideal candidate for lots of the council jobs I mentioned. There’s pages of vacancies on ours as they are low pay and responsible jobs so not desirable eg passenger assistant for children with disabilities.

My friend got divorced at 60, literally hadn’t worked for 40 years, got a job at Tesco on the bakery counter, and she loves it, and the customers love her. There are jobs out there, and not everyone wants a teen working for them.

Another thought.

Get your DSIS to check her credit report.

If he's been a bastard over finances he may have also borrowed money fraudulently in her name. If he has you can get the report marked to indicate it's fraud.

Probably works at the job centre 😆

This. What's wrong with people?

Get the bank to freeze any joint accounts.

It’s hard to disagree with her, she is facing ruin in her mind. She is almost 50 with a bad back and 4 traumatised dependents. He isn’t going to make this easy, there may be almost no equity in the house. He chances of relaunching any kind of career are slim to zero. She has no pension, no savings. In my book that is financial and emotional ruin.

At best, she might have enough to cover a very small place, but she will have to work until she dies just to survive.

We are doing that next, thank you everyone for suggesting it. It simply wouldn’t occur to her or me that he could do that as well.

Even the op says that would be hard to prove, whilst telling us she was very very happy. As said, this is incredibly complex.

I am so sorry for your sister, she is lucky she has you. I hope she can forget about the OW, who really doesn't owe her anything, and channel her anger into sorting things out for the children and herself.

Anyone who is a parent will have developed those skills, to a small extent each. That's not the same thing as it being something you can monetise as a job.

4 traumatised dependents
They're probably just as "traumatised" by her behaviour as they are by the fact that their parents have split up.

She will get basic state pension, which is 221 a week, and if she’s in rented will get housing benefit. So she will live frugally but she won’t need to work till she dies.

and she’s 49. She’s another 17 years to work. And to save.

Voluntary state pension contributions for the self employed are about 40% the rate of regular contributions (currently circa £300 a year but used to be a lot less) so her partner could have easily paid for a pension for very little (suppressing the urge to call him some colourful names). By having the children’s allowance in his name he got a state pension paid for instead of her. I think you should speak to someone about this to see if it can retroactively be changed or if he can be forced to buy back her years. I know if you are married and stay at home you can be entitled to some of your partners pension and I am sure common law spouses have some rights particularly when kids are involved. I currently am a SAHM (short term) so the children’s allowance is in my name - when we looked at info for children’s allowance the website said that if one person doesn’t have an income it should be in their name to cover the pension contributions. If he has been doing this for 19 years he made a decision to screw her out of her pension almost 2 decades ago!

Maybe talk to one of the charities that deals with abuse as they would have good info on financial abuse and rights in these situations. I know I have seen other women post on here before about financial abuse and having partners put children's’ allowance in their names, it seems eerily common, so there is bound to be precedence.

Some people are living in cloud cuckoo land.Police investigation?? Risible. A woman relying 100% financially on a partner is not very wise.And if unmarried even in a worse position. No amount of handwringing changes this. She will need to face up to events and make the best of things for the sake of her children and herself.

As the youngest child has ADHD has your sister applied for DLA , this is not a means tested benefit. If he already gets DLA is husband having the money funnelled into his own account like child benefits?

A few years ago there was a very sobering thread on relationships. Woman who had split with partner after long relationship. She’d barely worked, been sahm and cared for elderly parents. Post split she obviously needed to work ft (managed to cobble 2 pt jobs together one on a garden centre, one in a boarding school looking after children) She was understandably exhausted and struggling working after all this time. Meanwhile he moved on to semi retirement in his professional job and a new partner. She was angry and bitter, doing everything to delay sale of family home. Still treated adult children as children. The adult children understandably gravitated to him and partner, they had nice meals out and holidays and were supportive of them at University. She was stuck in past saying how awful he was. Was very sad reading.

@Newchapterbeckons , I hope your niece is accessing support as well and the recent drunken episode doesn’t become a coping mechanism.

Be good to yourself too while looking after your sister and the children 💐.

Surviving economic abuse

Also some useful information here https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely This page discusses it alongside domestic violence as they are often linked but there is some useful information and advice if you scroll down.