Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

engaging my sceptical brain all this talk of GP visits seem pointing towards a diagnosis that will enable this.

I've been reading them as advice for getting emergency, immediate medical help for someone in the grip of a mental breakdown who is contemplating suicide. That's certainly how I intended it.

Regarding the state pension, I think if she has been receiving Child Benefit or registered for it even though she wasn't receiving it so she could get her NI credited) then she should have an NI record towards that for 18 years, ie from when the first child was born to last year when the 13 year old turned 12. In due course you can help her to check that by getting a pension forecast from the government.

If she wasn't receiving Child Benefit, then she will need professional advice (e.g. CAB, Financial Adviser) to work out what to do going forward. It would be wise to do this quite soon because there is a single chance to buy back 2006-2016 missing NI years, until 5 April 2025 https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/voluntary-national-insurance-contributions/  (It's usually 6 years back.)

Signing on (even if then signed off by GP) will then start to accrue NI credits from here forward. It's important to try to buy back years you DO need but not waste money on buying back years you DON'T need.

I think she does need to know this ASAP really. It's better to know than to be in the dark and sometimes it's better to have all the shit hit you at once than rally a bit and then be hit with another massive bombshell.

Could you gently bring it up with her?

It’s terrifying that people are so very unaware of their ‘rights’ when entering relationships. Even if you’re assuming correctly, check! Love and blind faith does not help us when relationships go bad.

We really must better avail ourselves of all the useful information available to us online and elsewhere. In an age where divorce/separation is rampant and there’s no stigma attached to walking away from responsibilities, women must be proactive in educating themselves in matters of financial well-being. We can’t keep sleepwalking into terrible situations, then finding ourselves stuck when shit goes wrong.

Yes. And I’ve laid it out for her time and time again - get a job, any job, part time hours, it doesn’t have to be anything in particular, do AVON, try being a dinner lady, tutor adults/children because she has a Spanish degree and is fluent. Always an excuse as to why she can’t, then phones in floods of tears because her partner was caught messaging some girl at work and she found out they went for dinner together (yeah doesn’t look good does it).

I sent her a very blunt message once she had calmed down begging her to get a job and her life in order in case he left for this woman, but the response I got was ‘awww thanks but things are good between us now’.

Theyve been together 18 years and he’s been a decent bloke for the most part but I think his respect for her is waning as she refuses to work and the resentment has crept in. He actually does nights twice a week as well as his regular daytime job to keep them afloat, she complains he’s not there to spend the evening with her and help with the kids!

The person you thought he was refused to marry her. So I think he was showing you all who he was.

Having split up from my ex when our child was under 2 years old and I wasn't working but named on the mortgage and deeds to our joint home, I have had to do a lot of sorting out of my finances. This is my advice from my recent experience:

• report him to the police for economic/financial abuse. Speak to domestic abuse/women's charities for advice on this and see if there is any free legal advice or support to make the case to keep the property for her and the children. If this is not possible or cost prohibitive then a quick sale of the house is important.

• get on with selling the house asap. Whilst your sister is named on the mortgage and deeds she is liable for the debt to the mortgage company if he disappears and stops paying it. She also needs him to sign off the joint deeds upon sale. She is not entitled to certain financial or housing options as she has a mortgage/property so the sooner she gets shot of it the better. It opens up more options to her and maybe gets her some money from the sale. Given that her ex has been prepared to financially abuse her and shaft her like this, the fewer legal/financial ties she has to him the better.

• get her to apply for the child benefit and explain that the claimant (her ex) has moved out of the home and is not living with/providing for the children and therefore shouldn't continue to receive the child benefit (this is important as by not claiming the child benefit your sister has missed out on all those years of national insurance contributions and so will not qualify for the maximum state pension amount. She needs to be getting this sorted as a priority. It won't take long to do).

• She should apply to CMS as soon as possible. There is an option to ask them to pursue her ex for the money straight away on the grounds that she doesn't believe he will agree to pay it through mediation etc and she can tell them there have been decades of financial abuse. It will mean she loses a small percentage of the money as a fee but that's better than getting no money because he refuses her and means she doesn't need to deal with him directly.

• next apply for universal credit. This is done online and doesn't take long. She can put that there has been financial abuse and him leaving her destitute has caused a major acute depression. It will be a while before the health element is assessed so initially she may need to attend the job centre and agree to look for work. If she is still depressed by the time the health assessment happens she may be entitled to more money if they deem she is unfit for work or work related activity on account of the depression. Although it may seem daunting, contact with a job coach through the job centre/universal credit application will be helpful as she will find out about free training courses etc to support her back into work after this long a gap.

• make a GP appointment to discuss the depression so she can access support but also so there is a record of it for her universal credit claim (though she doesn't need to consent to them accessing her medical records she can ask for a sick note from the doctor to cover her claim initially until she is able to look for work/or she has been assessed by universal credit for the health element).

• if she lives in Scotland she can apply to the Scottish Government for the Scottish Child Payment. This is £100 a month per child in addition the the UK government Child Benefit. There are other benefits and help she may be eligible for. They are all explained on the Scottish Government website where you can also do the applications.

• do an application for social housing. Even though she has a home at the moment, she can still do the forms and explain there has been financial abuse and her house is going to be sold. There is probably a box to tick on the council housing online application for domestic abuse. Tick this as economic abuse comes under that umbrella. Ask the council housing department about housing association properties and mid market rents and apply for all of the above.

• alert the mortgage company, utility companies and council tax department about the situation in case he stops paying the bills. It's good to have this on record so they can advise your sister of how they can help her, should he stop paying the bills and she gets left with them. Being proactive is far easier than reacting to getting cut off etc or getting into arrears. Once her universal credit application is in the system it will help her as these agencies can talk to each other to back up what she's saying. There are crisis grants available from some councils and she can also request an advance payment from universal credit.

Once the house is sold she could effectively be homeless with 3 children in school so would be a priority for housing (if there is no/little capital from sale of house).

There may be other benefits she will be entitled to although I think the cost if living payments have finished now.

Good luck to her. It all seems a lot and very daunting but things will start to come together. Take any financial/housing help you can as a start. It's not a forever situation but these avenues of help will get her set up on her own and allow a clean break from depending on him. Then she can make her own money in due course. Just deal with the situation as it presents itself now. Best of luck to you both. Good on you for helping her out - wish I had had a sister like you.

Naptrappedmummy I am one of the people suggesting she should initially get a 'sick note.' For the childrens sake if no other reason, she needs to get onto UC and some money coming in and start looking for somewhere for them all to live etc, before it's reasonable to expect her to simultaneously spend each day looking for work, when she is clearly currently in a very poor state and has broken down mentally.

Right now she has lost control to the point she is feeding into her now ex's shit show, even though it's clearly dangerous and damaging, not eating or sleeping and is.... sick.

I'm not suggesting she should remain signed off in the longer term, and I don't think anyone else has?

@Naptrappedmummy getting a sick note (or ‘fit note’ as we are bizarrely meant to call them now) does not automatically exempt claimants from having to apply for work. Far from it.

I don’t know where you got your info about half of claims being related to mental illness but, according to DWP figures, in 2023 depression and mental illness was the eleventh most common condition for people to be given a PIP award. That doesn’t sound like half. But in any case I would strongly challenge your implication that mental health conditions are somehow secondary to physical ones. They are equally disabling and frankly I doubt that many employers would be keen to take on people who were incapacitated by mental health problems.

He hasn’t shown any interest in seeing the dc or supporting them through this. He has literally just walked out and become a different person

It's horrible of course but I'm not surprised; as you said yourself it sounds as if this has been planned for a while

I also agree with your DH that being self employed could enable him to dodge paying maintenance, so along with issues over the house equity maybe that's something else she'd do well to prepare for

That poster has got a massive problem with people who are mentally unwell and thinks everyone should be all stiff upper lip, judging by her posts on numerous other threads.

It's definitely better to know sooner rather than later.

Your sister should also ask for statements going back as far as they can and any changes in the mortgage or remortgages etc. Just in case he has forged your sister's signature for anything.

Great post by @Hippobot who lays it out step by step

Very true.

Just to note that some countries do recognise long-term relationships as conferring similar rights to marriage/civil partnership. I think that’s why some posters are referring to it. As most people have noted, England isn’t one of them.

She needs to make a claim for UC immediately.Owning a house is no bar to that.
She needs to go to the doctors and get help and a sick note to hand to Universal Credit to prevent them hassling her to immediately look for work, although looking for work is something she can do further down the line when she is better.
Whose name are all the bills, utilities in etc.
Start a claim for child support.

Sounds horendous, poor woman, thankfully she has a caring sister, many do not in these circumstances.

Firstly try to stabalise your sis, which is what you are doing, feeling suicidal, tell her to call the Samaritans, she can offload what she can't say to you. Doctors, she or you need to tell them of her devastation and thoughts of suiside and how she has been financially coerced and ripped off with her flat.

Try to find as much financial information about her flat and bank statements on how that money has been spent. Obviously claim uc and also put in a call to claim for Pip, she clearly has PTSD, anxiety and depression. Cb needs to be in her name, also get Cm started, asap.

SS may also help with an emergency hardship fund for the immediate. Contact the council, get her name on the waiting list, explain she could be homeless very soon with children to house.

Don't underestimate her illness through this, hopefully her dr will be understanding, a female one preferably.

He's obviously a slimely character who has fleeced her, through selling her flat, the only means of independance she had, financially. I wouldn't be surprised if being self employed if he's fleeced his taxes and VAT aswell. One to think about.

Did she ever help him with the buisness, evidence of that could be useful.

What a complete cunt he has been, he knows she has no protection through marriage, he really has been a shocking partner and father, her life with him I should imagine has been dreadful, if he's capable of such rug pulling treatment. His children will begin to understand this as the effects of being homeless hit.

If she were to stay in the home, is it large enough for lodgers ? another anvenue of income.

I hope she's ok, make sure she eats.

Do it online not in the Jobcentre. Will be much better for her. She may need to go in but you can get the process started.
She can sell her engagement ring for immediate money. Cathartic too. I did it in the same situation and it helped enormously.
She is lucky to have you. 💐

She needs a solicitor. To find out how she can protect her contribution and maximise the equity. Expensive, but not having one could prove to be more expensive.

I wouldn't worry too much about pension right now. That's a future concern. Even if she does not have enough qualifying years she should benefit from pension credit to top up. Miserable but she won't be utterly penniless. If she can get enough equity from the house she may be able to top up, take out a private annuity or buy a small place outright (or with a mortgage she can pay off before retirement) which will also aid it. Maximising what she can get in equity is the key goal for now - hence needing a solicitor. Someone needs to look into the possibility of recovering the money syphoned off from the sale of her flat into the purchase of his. Achieving that could be a game changer for her.

I am just hoping to god there is some equity in the house.

If her name is on the mortgage she can go online and look, we're with Natwest and if you have your mortgage account number and full name and address she can access the details, with Natwest (I'm sure other lenders are the same) it tells you the current value (roughly) of the property from the House price index, how much is remaining of the loan, there's a great deal of detail to be found and then you can roughly work out any equity in the property.

Reading all your posts I think you need to contact woman's aid as it sounds like she has been financially abused. They maybe able to help her.

Really excellent post@Hippobot , and I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Sorry when I said engagement ring I should have said any jewellery or anything saleable.

20 years of thankless drudgery.
Really resonates, although I'm in a safe position.
No words.
You are a great sister, OP, all the best. 💝

If there’s a joint bank account she needs to go and empty it now
then inform bank of financial abuse on his part
and ask to close the account
before he runs up an overdraft