Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Just wanted to say what a wonderful sister you are. Your DSis and her kids are lucky to have you and your family standing by them.

OP, was she quite happy not to work over the last 20 years? Particularly in the last 8/9 since the kids have all been at school?

Before 1753, possibly. Not since then in England.

TBF part of the nature of coercive control is people don't actually realise they've been coercively controlled. It is often very subtle and insidious.

If he is claiming CB in his name she might not be entitled to very much at all in terms of UC.

When did it ‘used to be’ the case?!

Are you a lawyer?

I'm a bit unnerved how many people are believing this..........I think we need to start teaching law at secondary school

This has never been the case.

Yes, write it up on the blackboard in big letters:

COMMON LAW MARRIAGE IS NOT A THING

Law reform has been looked at but it was decided to keep as an opt in system in England. So if you want protection of marriage you sign the contract

And a good thing too IMO
It's not the state's role to mollycoddle everyone and protect us from every choice, and as said earlier, much as we all feel for DSis the risks of going down her chosen route are hardly unknown

As for the recent creation of fiinancial abuse as a crime, good luck proving it.
Certainly there'll be circumstances where this will be possible, but from OP's account I have to wonder if this would be one of them

If you work in a field that involves domestic abuse you become used to seeing patterns.

Learned helplessness is one of them. It's often presented by the perpetrator as the victim being lazy or like a child, despite the fact that they have absolutely encouraged this to happen and sometimes systematically set out to destroy the victim's confidence or belief in their own judgment. The victim OTOH will often present it as a choice - because who wants to admit that they are being pushed into something they don't want to do by a partner they don't want to leave? Particularly if they've been convinced it's best for the DC etc. That's assuming they even recognise they're being manipulated of course. When DC are old enough for the victim to work, by that point the victim is so passive they can't change anything. They may still present it to the outside world as a choice though because even very damaged victims have pride. It's a really naive view to think genuine victims all present as timid broken individuals. Some are the exact opposite despite being completely unable to change things.

Humm not what I was lead to believe but intresting to know , is it the same for all the uk?

Just to caution: if sister wants advice on financial abuse then follow up via a specialist organisation for now. NOT the police, not while she's actively harassing Ex's new partner, that could so easily rebound on her. (The harrassment has to stop, urgently.)

Excellent post. So many people are so ignorant about how those relationships work.

Find the lack of empathy from some posters utterly depressing tbh.

I have read the thread and feel very sorry for your sister. So many women spend time and love building a home for their loved ones and then have it thrown back in their faces when a younger model comes along.

i have worked my entire life and would tell every young woman to make sure she has her own money - earnings, savings and pension. Never rely on a man as the possibility of it going wrong is high sadly.

As for the marriage question, I absolutely agree that women should insist on marriage as it safeguards them in so many ways.

I wish you and your sister all the best. She will get through this eventually but it will be a long and difficult road. She is blessed to have you for a sister OP.

Yes. Whoever lead you to believe it was utterly incorrect, as a quick Google would have told you.

This is not how the benefits system works. You are given no choice about finding work unless you have health issues significant enough to prevent you doing so. Proving that that is the case is extremely difficult - the system is designed to discourage you.

I really don’t think this thread should be used to trot out lazy stereotypes about people claiming benefits. Or about SAHMs. OP has come on here to ask for practical advice not judgmental moralising.

FWIW OP, I have nothing to add to the already excellent practical advice you have been given except to say do make sure your sister takes every bit of financial support she - and most importantly her children - is entitled to. There is no shame in doing so and when she is back on her feet she will continue to make her contribution to society (bringing up children is already a significant contribution).

OP, how often did your DS try to enter employment in the last 20 years and what did her ex partner do to prevent her?

Never, it’s the common law myth.

Plus bf and gf eg. unmarried should not have rights against each other. The marriage contract covers it. What if you simply want to live with someone but funnily enough don’t want to give them half your assets?

Children are another matter. Both parents are responsible for their own dc.

FWIW I'm a SAHP myself but would never have done it without marriage and certain other financial protections. But I don't see what good chastising the OP's sister about it is going to do - to me it seems quite abundantly clear that there is an element of coercive control involved here. She needs empathy and support, not people telling her she should have done x and y, she's lazy etc etc.

But engaging my sceptical brain all this talk of GP visits seem pointing towards a diagnosis that will enable this. And I won’t be told I’m being dramatic or unrealistic as half of sickness benefits are claimed for mental health conditions rather than physical.

There’s no indication she’s ill, she’s shocked and upset because her boyfriend has cheated and that’s normal but isn’t a reason not to work. She’s had a long enough ‘break’ from contributing to the society she lives in and now needs to rejoin adult life.

I know I sound harsh but I’m sure I’m not the only one reading this with exasperation.

Well so what if she's on benefits for a bit? How does it affect you?

I'm married now but Ive chosen to cohabit in the past deliberately to protect assets. I don't advocate common law protection for cohabiting partners without children.

However, once children are involved I do. If one partner stops working/cuts back to look after children, damn right the parent whose career is not affected should support them. Children have to be looked after. It's very difficult to rely 100% on professional childcare unless you're in the hiring a nanny income bracket. So one parent usually takes the hit and it's usually the mother.

If cohabiting parent financial responsibility was the default, perhaps more couples would have this discussion before having DC and fewer men would just assume the mother would take that back seat role.

FFS no it doesn't! It's concerning how many people believe this!

The one thing I am too afraid to ask - and for her to find out - is the exact equity in the house.
He has flawlessly planned this as far as I can see. Why would he leave so much for my sister in equity? The person I thought he was would never have hurt her like this, but I honestly don’t know what her reaction will be if it’s nothing like the amount she is thinking. The house equity is the only thing keeping her afloat.

How do you even recover from the knowledge that there will be no pension, no savings, no money and maybe no home at this age? This is more than she can cope with right now.

He hasn’t shown any interest in seeing the dc or supporting them through this. He has literally just walked out and become a different person.