Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Probably as a lot of SAHM/W do - they're happy with staying home not working to keep their partner happy... it's only when the shit hits the fan that it all goes pear shaped.

Someone clearly doesn't understand coercive control and it shows.

Just wanted to say what a wonderful sister you are OP. Thank goodness you are there to help pick up the pieces.

She might be able to get legal aid because she has been financially abused.

The ignorance is truly astounding, isn't it. "Letting" herself be coerced. Jesus wept.

Oh I do. But if a woman is letting herself be coercively controlled for her own benefit (my ex best friend was in exactly this position) then there's not a lot you can say to them otherwise if outwardly they seem happy with this.

One or two people have mentioned care work. There's also support work (similar to care work but generally not as exhausting). If she can pass the DBS then she could walk into a job in either industry. The pay is rubbish, of course, but it's an option, and if you do a lot of hours in overtime it's actually relatively lucrative. Might be an option, at least in the short term after she recovers from the shock.

I agree. My sister will probably be in this position in 5 years or so. Sacked off work when oldest was born (despite the fact her DP isn’t a high earner), unmarried, had some money from Dad which she sank into their jointly owned house. No income stream of her own, due to doing all childcare is the only capable parent so if he left (they’ve been rowing a lot and he’s been messaging a 20 year old at work!) she would leave with child maintenance from him, 2 small children to look after and years missing from her CV.

The fact is she’s lazy. She knows it’s a precarious position but she has no interest in working, she finds it all too stressful getting up and out the house early, it’s like an adult coping mentality never kicked in for her. They get free hours at nursery and she struggles to get them out the door for that because she lets them run rings round her and just moans to me about it rather than disciplining them.

She’s the author of her own misfortune.

You clearly don't understand it if you're using the term "letting" themselves be coercively controlled.

Cathy from Two Doors Down springs to mind as a comedy example.

Agreed. If he hadn’t worked for years and was supported by her, would she be seen as coercive? Pretty sure it would be the other way round. I find women just blame the men in this situation a lot of the time because they can avoid scrutiny and being asked inconvenient questions.

This would be my approach too, some posters seem to have missed the financial control element and what potential bearing that might have on her recovery, entitlements, how to best protect her from the ex going forward etc.

she has been more than silly letting herself be coerced

Maybe just stop and check the dictionary definition of ‘coerce’, @Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

It’s only now I can see how few of her friends are left, only two friends seem to be in touch, I asked her about this. She said over the years raising the dc, doing all the housework and cleaning, cooking she just didn’t have time to see them.

I’m not quite sure about this. She has had 9 years since all of them have been at school full time-that gives six hours a day to do most of the ‘chores’. Did she not ever text/ring/see these friends?

OP, you say that your sister gave up a good job for him-what was this?

TBH I think some posters are just gleefully using this thread to have a pop at lazy workshy SAHMs.

Seems to be a bit of a running theme on MN.

But this is just a map with the final destination being a life on benefits. Sorry but it is. She needs to get a job. I’m a bit tired of the system being milked by people who COULD work but choose not to, this is one of those cases, and has been for years and years.

oh fgs, I think people know what I mean! If a woman enters into a relationship with a man, married or not, then if she chooses to work for him as my ex best friend does or chooses not to work, when she has a mind of her own and is not disabled physically or mentally then she do what the F she likes. It's sad but some women are quite happy with a quiet life and not working and then they plead coercive control. To the ones who are actually properly coercively controlled then I have all the sympathy in the world for them, honestly.

How do you define those who are "properly" coercively controlled and those who are just pretending, out of interest? Please, bless us with your expert views.

I know the definition of coerce thanks - don't need you to tell me.

It's a shame really isn't it, that I was brought up by my DM and her DM (my nana) to never rely on a man for anything and always to have my own job/income.

You can help her claim UC online today and get that moving at least. She will be entitled to some support for the children who are under 18/in FT education, also a small amount for herself as a jobseeker. Also check out CMS calculator online if she knows his income and get that kicked off too. He needs to contribute what he legally must pay, don't let him set some paltry figure.

What a bastard he sounds. The poor kids too.

Nah I think I'm outta here. Too many Stepford Wives.

They are all old enough to understand. They need to be told what kind of person their father is and the predicament that he has left your sister and them in ! This needs to be done ASAP in a calm and concise manner before he turns the kids against her with the BS of "it's her fault"..."she is unstable" etc.

They were living together and have children together ,it used to be if you jave been living together 3 years you have sam3 rights as a married couple , although I'm not sure if it's still like this now

This is absolutely not the case and never has been.

IANAL but I would have thought that this would be very difficult to prove. A lot of what he did was legal; he's not required to share his individually owned money or assets with a girlfriend. And, rather horribly, it sounds as though she was very happy not working and doing her gardening and knitting and so on, until he pulled the rug, so I don't know how convincing it could be made to sound.

Did he isolate her from her friends, OP? And how exactly did he stop her working? I don't think a conviction for anything is likely here but again, IANAL.