Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

hang on, surely it's not upto your bastard BiL who gets child benefit. the children are with your sister, so it should go into her account? surely that can be sorted by speaking to the relevant authorities?

I don't really know what advice to give... pps have said it all really. just wish they would change to the law to recognise cohabitation rights as they do in Germany for example

also hope his dick falls off

if they have been together that long it's classed as a partnership he can't kick her out of the house and affectively making her and his children homeless

I'm sure you have more legal standing than you think!

I think you need to read the advice the OP’s sister has been given from the solicitor.

But it is financial abuse and as such is a crime. A fairly recent introduction to the lexicon of crimes to be sure, but that must mean he can be prosecuted for it surely?

Source for this classing as partnership?

@JustWingingit3 Citizen's advice don't touch legal family matters

It’s only now I can see how few of her friends are left, only two friends seem to be in touch, I asked her about this. She said over the years raising the dc, doing all the housework and cleaning, cooking she just didn’t have time to see them.

her DC are grown up and teens. none of them has a disability (at least you don't mention). She has had far more time on her hand than most women esp as she didn't work. 6-7h free time every day which others spend in the office. You have to be real - at least a bit.

With the child at university:

If the dad stops supporting her then she can phone student finance and change her status to estranged from her dad

In general student finance are quite arsed about estranged status but they do see this a lot (I had to do it for my DD) and they can then assess on mum's income ie zero.

Student finance were also helpful about other grants and loans. Once the university were informed my DD was given a scholarship as well (for students in adverse circumstances).

The uni will have a hardship fund as well and it is for exactly these kind of situations.

Law reform has been looked at but it was decided to keep as an opt in system in England. So if you want protection of marriage you sign the contract. If marriage isn’t what you want you can register your partnership (civil partnership is open to all couples). Ask for price for statutory ceremony for marriage or civil partnership - every council has to offer this no frills cheap option will be £150 ish. Lots of people don’t want marriage rights and responsibility for good reason. It would also open up satellite litigation eg where they two friends living together or a ‘married’ couple.
My dc had half a session in phse. I personally would like more law on curriculum inc family law.
It’s one of those urban myths that so many people think we have common law marriage, ONS stats were over 50% believed this.

The other think I would do in regards to the child care from government that she should be getting not the useless man who abused her, would be going to citizens advice. It's free and they can help with her finances she could be owed like in the short term PIP ect.

I would bet money that he isolated her from her friends tbh.

if they have been together that long it's classed as a partnership

If you mean a marriage or civil partnership, no, no, no, it isn't. The only way to get married or CPed is to have the formalities done in whatever form. That's been the case since 1753.

Would she consider leaving the dc with him. I would if I was in your dsis shoes. He’s completely reliant on her taking the dc by the sounds of it which further accommodates his running away from it all.

Would be a nice shock back for him and she can get on her own two feet in the mean time. I would not advise this if the dc were little but they’re not and can therefore eventually return to her once she’s got herself together.

She used to volunteer at school with reading, she also did other things for the church.

The church may be a source of help and strength for your sister, if she can reach out.

The volunteering she did may help with providing references and is also proof she has had interests outside the home, when she looks for work further down the line.

yes, he absolutely can leave her "high and dry" if, as seems to be the case he has been careful with how to arrange matters. I'm slightly surprised he was careless enough to have her name on house deeds. Other than CMS (and if he's self employed that will be easy enough to minimise) he owes neither her nor the children ANYTHING legally other than half the house. She may be able to look for some help via Section 1 of the Childrens Act (check on the legal board for specifics on this) but a friend of mine used that when her ex was dodging CMS. There is no such thing as "classed as a partnership" in English law.

He can and he has - they are not married and he is self employed so whilst liable for child maintenance he can find ways to keep that very low and difficult to obtain if he’s minded to, she has no income and if he doesn’t pay the mortgage then house will have to be sold. She can’t force him to continue to pay the mortgage any more than the mortgage lender can if he doesn’t want to.

They are not in a partnership, there is no such thing in English law for a personal relationship

Being joint tenant on the property ownership is the only legal tie for their relationship between them - but that goes for any equity in the property and any losses, and can legally force the other out

It totally sucks for her - years of trust in human kind and believing building a life together, but that’s all it is, trust and a belief and hoping for the best, it’s not anything binding

Well there’s only one way ahead and that’s to find a job and start financially supporting herself. And to consult a solicitor about what she is entitled to from her ex. There’s no magic way out of this unfortunately and it was a huge gamble to start with.

I agree, the very least she could've done was get herself a part time job or a local job. Lots of mums I know do this, work in admin for local estate agents/solicitors or even school secretaries, or TAs or they retrain by going to college/uni. Or they work as e.g. beauty therapists etc - anything is better than doing nothing.

Apologies of you've checked this already but I'd be checking the mortgage and equity in the house ASAP. If he's planned all this in advance, has said he knows she's entitled to half the house and bought another property outright, I wouldn't be surprised if there's no equity in the house now. I'm so sorry your sister is having to deal with all this.

I will keep repeating this until the cows come home but OP has said that she was coerced into not working.

What an absolute bellend.

I'm sorry that your sister, her DC and you are all going through this. She's very lucky to have you and your DH, supporting her through this.

Right now, her whole life has been turned upside down. She's had one vision of her life and that has now gone up in smoke. I don't blame her at all for being inconsolable and rage-filled. I would be, too, if I'd devoted decades of my life to raising children and keeping house and supporting my partner to build his wealth-only to be left for another woman.

Given how calculating he has been with his exit, ensuring that she benefits little (bar what he can't legally deny her) and he walks off with everything-I'm wondering if the abuse was just financial or if there wasn't some other coercive elements at play as well.

What she needs to do is what many other posters have said and it's going to be tough. She's going to need to find the strength for herself and her DC to get through it. I suspect having a plan and a focus may actually help her a lot.

First, she needs to book into see a GP and be honest about how she is feeling and coping. They may be able to give her a doctor's note that she can take to the job centre.

In the meantime, she needs to complete a claim for UC. I'm not sure what or how much she'll be entitled to-but she should be able to get something that'll go towards covering the basics.

Is the claim for Child Benefit in her name? If it is-and I'm not altogether sure about this as I've never claimed-but maybe there's a way to redirect the payment from his bank account to hers so that he doesn't receive it. It's at least worth looking into.

When she does go to the job centre, she needs to be honest. A lot of people have the view that the job centre staff are all nasty, judgemental people-but that is not the case. I've claimed JSA in the past-and found a lot of the advisers there very helpful and kind. They can, from what I remember, put people on courses for retraining if it will help get them back into work. This may be an avenue worth looking into as she needs a job and needs one quick.

Then, she just needs to take whatever job comes up. Anything that will help her to pay the bills. Put a claim in for CMS if her twat of an ex-dp refuses to pay his share.

As for the house, she needs to accept that it is going on sale and she needs to realise that, long-term, it is in her best interests to have it sold. It'll free her from as much contact with the bellend as possible and mean she won't have to face any legal fees if he does have to force a sale. In the end, it's inevitable and the more she kicks and screams and drags her feet-the harder it is going to be.

Hopefully, there's equity in the house and she can walk away with enough to start a new life.

She also needs to stop contacting the OW. It's not helping her. Her anger is understandable and I hope the OW realises what an utter dick she has saddled herself to-and feels a portion of what your DS feels. She deserves it, but right now, it's not helping her.

It could also be harming her. If her ex decided to try and push the "mentally unstable" line around to her kids and maybe even elsewhere to force contact or custody-he could end up with evidence of the instability sitting in his new partner's phone. She shouldn't just stop-she needs to.

One day- and it will seem like a far off day right now-she will look back on all this and realise what a dick he was and how much better off she is without him. It won't seem like it now-but when she gets back on her feet-and she will-and she has her independence and her kids and family around her-she may even realise that she doesn't want him back and that the OW is welcome to him (if he hasn't dumped on her by then).

Would she consider leaving the dc with him. I would if I was in your dsis shoes. He’s completely reliant on her taking the dc by the sounds of it which further accommodates his running away from it all.

I find this advice extraordinary. The children are not pawns in a game. They will have their own views on where they want to be. It seems highly unlikely they would want to join their father, given his behaviour, and the last thing they need now is more upheaval, e.g. he might be miles away from their school. And why would she want to send her kids to live with an abusive twat?

OP, your sister is very lucky to have you. Thanks to your support she will be back on her feet again one day and this dreadful, dreadful time will be behind her. I hope the children (and pets!) are doing okay.

I don’t read that she was stopped from working though. I get a strong sense that she was quite happy with the arrangement, OP even says she used to think her sister was the lucky one.

I know a number of mums/wives who in their 40s/50s got local jobs in local businesses with little/no qualifications. Of course with CoL etc there'll be more demand for these but worth her while applying or even setting up her own small business.

Someone I know retrained as a practice nurse and now does that part time as well as part time WFH beauty treatments. Someone else I know is training to teach English online with a free course from government.

An ex ICU nurse I know got a job and retrained herself as a legal sec specialising in medical injury claims, was through her cousin who knew the boss of the law firm.

She will be surprised to find how many other women (and men) are in similar situations, and she'll have a life outside being a SAHM/partner and earning her own money.

OP clearly says that she was.

By OP's own admission she didn't realise the half of what was going on until now.

Well he's been abusive then. But she has been more than silly letting herself be coerced and surely her family knew she was coerced into not working. Why did no one notice/say anything until it's got to this stage?