Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Except it wasn't her choice as OP says she was coerced into not working. Do you have any awareness of how abuse works?

Just some thoughts which may or may not help

• I would get your sister to the GP to get some support. Even though its a reactive depression to the situation, antidepressants, or something for anxiety maybe helpful.
• CAB / job centre for benefits and next steps.
• Can you see if she can get another hour free with another local solicitor. specifically what she can do about the house and mortgage? Has she let the mortgage company know the situation??
• If you suspect financial abuse would a conversation with the police be a reasonable step to take?
• Make a claim for child maintenance and check to see where your child benefits are going - then look to have them transferred to your sister.
• Referral to food bank - via the Drs - someone like trussell trust has other services attached to it you can utilise.

I am so sorry your sister is going through this but she does need to have a plan so that her and the children can eat/ go to school etc

Yes, I get this.

I worked full time, cared for my parents (who lived in their home) and then for my parents and my late husband. My social life fell apart.

I do have a tiny handful of friends, all of whom I knew through work (which I eventually had to give up - quit at 58. By then I was only caring for my husband).

I wish it was fake! And none of this shit storm is true, sadly for her and the dc it is absolutely the case. What is shocking is how many pp seem to have suffered similar situations. We need more education before girls and boys even leave school.

Also, as well as entitled to and Support for Mortgage Interest you have to consider how to tackle the financial abuse. Her ex is guilty of a crime here. Gingerbread’s helpline should be able to tell her where to get legal advice about how to deal with this.

Can I just say on my sister’s behalf how deeply grateful we are for every single post. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights earlier. Just overwhelmed with it all. We have now applied on line for UC. We are seeing the dr at the end of the week, and she is at least beginning to see where she might start putting her life back together. It’s not going to be anything like the life she imagined at nearly 50 but who knows it might be the making of her when she gets over the shock.

Try to muster some empathy. It’ll improve every aspect of your life and people will probably like you more. 👍🏻

What is shocking is how many pp seem to have suffered similar situations

Absolutely, @Newchapterbeckons, and that's what I meant about "If it helps just one such person ..."

Not sure about putting this onto schools though; it's not as if the risk goes unpublicised, and if folk consider themselves somehow immune to it there really is only so much others can do - just as you tried yourself in strongly suggesting she got married

@Flyeeeeer what on earth is your agenda? If you read the OPs posts, this woman was made to give up and stay off work to facilitate her partner's "big job". He controlled ALL the finances and money. If works away a lot, the fact the kids are school age is largely irrelevant since with three (that he also "churned out" unless she's the Virgin Mary) there'll be enough to do to easily keep busy. I'm really not sure what the point is of your posts? We can all make different life choices in hindsight but she's hardly alone in building a life infrastructure based on the notion that she has a secure romantic partner.

She’s lucky to have you.
Is niece ok finance wise at uni eg if dad stops topping up her loan. Facebook group what I wish I knew about university is very good for queries.

You're not wrong about education OP. If not included in the curriculum, perhaps even as part of discussion on pensions/retirement and building up assets over a lifetime.
You mention church - would she consider talking to her minister and getting support that way?

I can see the law being changed regarding long standing partnerships involving children and joint property so these sort of circumstances don't regularly occur.

No, Newchapterbeckons your sister's life won't be as she imagined it because it will change, it will have to - but she can make her way new for herself and her children, gain independence and know that she no longer has someone she cannot trust in her life.

The first steps are hard but, from my own experience, when you start seeing those work out, start seeing the fruit from taking them, it motivates you to the next one.

She's very lucky to have you by her side, very best wishes to her.

Oh and as for teaching it in schools - I sort of try to shoehorn it in to RS and PSHE where applicable but its not really very easy to get teens to empathise with the complexity and reality of adult interpersonal and financial relationships and you have to tread carefully because they all have their own home backgrounds of varying sorts and you don't want them going home to their SAHM and saying she's a stupid, vulnerable useless leech if she doesn't assert her independence immediately.

Gaining independence and making her own money will be the best thing that happens to her. She just cant see it yet. Ask her again in 5 years time and it will be a completely different outlook.

I actually do think this sort of stuff should be taught in schools as part of an expanded PSHE programme delivered as part of a longer school day and taught by specialist PSHE tutors (not poor teachers who already have enough to do) and funded properly by the government (not out of schools existing budgets which aren't big enough either). Sad fact is that so many children just aren't given this vital knowledge from family - indeed many have role models which sabotage healthy, functional relationships.

I have been staggered at how many people I know - who I consider generally well informed- have no idea that common law marriage is not a thing in the UK, or that they should still claim CB even if they can't claim the money because of pensions etc.

No need to change the law at all! People just need to be educated and understand what a worst case scenario can be when you decide to have children and stop working without benefit of Marriage or Civil Partnership.

To tag on to the lovely supportive messages above, imagine how she'll feel when she can spend money - her own, hard-earned money - whenever she wants, never having to ask the cheating filth for a penny again!

I really felt for her reading all of your posts. So glad she's got you.

I wondered the same

This link to the UK government info may be helpful. Financial abuse is a crime and a form of domestic abuse. If you are in Scotland the law is even hotter on it than elsewhere in the UK. It's worth seeing what support she is entitled to and reporting what he has done to her for years. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/public-sector-toolkits/economic-abuse-toolkit-html#:~:text=Economic%20abuse%20is%20included%20as,include%20housing%2C%20possessions%20and%20clothing.

Pretty sure he can't leave her high and dry! Is her name on the mortgage, if they have been together that long it's classed as a partnership he can't kick her out of the house and affectively making her and his children homeless , I will definitely talk to citezen advice .He will definitely have to pay towards care of the children , he can't just walk away from that , they will out how much he will have to give you dependant on his wage after all they are still his children!! I'm sure you have more legal standing than you think! Get on to citizens advice and ASAP.
I hope she manages to get everything sorted quickly

It's absolutely healthy that she wants to express herself and vent at husband and OW - but don't do it to them!

Give her a notebook and pen so she can write it out, set up a new email account she can send her abusive messages to - just don't send it to the real people involved.

Not contacting them doesn't mean she has to hold it in.

Some boxing gloves and pads might help as well - she can jab away at you and get the stress out in a healthy way! Like these https://www.amazon.co.uk/Amateur-Fitness-Boxing-Gloves-Target/dp/B07PMTV6L1/ref=sr_1_5?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.6bI-AifOa-4MnGlRaIlclzMSkxM36KnuH35TyDrq8kzgzZMHrd_7ZGdd42XdPnoBA9c8zsnwDbK-gdbFZxNCjoEGTuki2x5wBDZa9cwzcmhEqRhBfp0qvBnUbD2mBwnw6uOnYRWbKCf8GXAxNX4x8dmQm-2X1BOo69DP0mEjUvsNleUndDs-PC0CDhC6SxiBRTPjs7EY4nRcSQKzI7Ntiq03E-E4CFIgSvZeIQzgbOgGFROKF3Gt8FARMCzishCnXN8YbD0RGzxVRT0BwU83ax-64Zy0nvEBGF5oDoXdnZI.xB0xTHlA03I5vjnr572JYY06qf5eaYREkZypw2_sypU&dib_tag=se&keywords=boxing+gloves+and+pads&qid=1709046255&sr=8-5

She needs to go for maintenance too via child maintenance support service asap.

You mention she did things for the church - might they also be able to help? Check in on her if you’re not there? They may be able to provide practical help too?

OP has clearly said she was coerced into not working.

Some of you have no idea of the psychological complexities of abusive relationships and what they can make you do (and stop you from doing).