Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

I agree it’s utterly shit!

Can I just say what a lovely sister you are. X
What a horrific situation. Men like this are scum.

Get her to make a doctors appointment and get signed off for the time being. The job center will take a fit note and she will be able to start her UC claim.
Practically I can see why everyone is on about a job.... but her whole life just fell to bits! And she needs time. Not throwing into a new job after 2 decades and just finding that out!

The problem with claiming benefits here will be that when the house does sell she will have sla large chunk of cash amd be expected to use this rather than keep receiving help.
She should get on the councils housing list for when the house sells as those lists are long!

This has to be one of the very worst things I've ever read on here.

What an absolute shithead of a 'man'. Are you in touch with his family, OP? I'm wondering if it's worth talking to his parents, since it's their grandkids who will be suffering.

Fuck knows how, but your sister needs to get her head together and fast. GP appointment sounds like a great idea. Sleep, rest, and find her strength.

I daresay, I was respond to pps claiming marriage doesn't protect you if you are a SAHP. It certainly seemed to in this woman's case. She ended up better off than if she'd worked, frankly.

Oh, sorry. Yes, I agree.

She needs to stay calm - there is plenty of time to sort things out financially.

If the house is jointly owned as you say, she must contact the estate agent and let them know she has a financial interest in the house and does not agree to it being sold until they have sorted the legal and financial position. Refuse all viewings.
Tell them to take it off the market for now. Yes he can force a sale eventually, but that will take some considerable time and might require very expensive court action for him, and is not guaranteed. It sounds as if he has other things on his mind - so use that to her advantage. He might rage but there is little he can do in a hurry.

This will give her considerable breathing space, protect her assets in the house, and a give her some negotiating leverage.

Next contact CSA to claim child maintenance.

Sign up for UC benefits.

Contact Council tax and claim single person discount.

Is the mortgage in his name only? If not, contact mortgage company and let them know the situation.
Also contact the children's school so they know what is going on - they might be able to signpost her to places of help, and they can support the children when needed.

How many men do you think are in the situation where they have been a SAHP for 20 years, fully responsible for the kids and the house, with no access to their own money?

If you can find a man, any man, out there in the exact situation the OP's sister is in, my reaction would be the same.

This has to be one of the very worst things I've ever read on here
Why? Relationships end all the time.

Only if married otherwise entitled to nothing of his pension.

I can't understand how people can have so little empathy. I can only assume they are missing some fundamental human component.

Almost none, I would venture. I have so many friends who are SAHMs, don't know how to access money, and get an allowance from their husbands. They are mostly married, though.

You proud of that? Jesus.

It’s unbelievably strange that you’ve tagged me in this and said that when it is so very obvious that it applies to yourself and not me. I have literally just told you exactly that about yourself. The only person trying to decide what people post here is you. I was simply reminding you that everyone’s entitled to their opinions without being dictated to. Please don’t project your issues onto me, it’s uncomfortable to read and quite frankly embarrassing from one old enough to navigate the internet. Mumsnet really does highlight the worst types of people. Illogical mutterings indeed but going forward I’m equally happy to ignore your poor behaviour too.

Op really I think she needs some practical advice right now.

1. Social Media
   Will she allow you to change her social media passwords for now to force her off. Harassing the other woman will achieve nothing and could get her in serious trouble.

2. Sale
   Yes it a going to be shit to move. In splitting up assets are less so it will mean a smaller place or a less nice area. What does she need right now? If one is at uni and one child is going soon they can share a room. Can she use the living room as another room. Downsize and get something affordable. Blocking the sale or trying be be obstructive will only end up costing her more. It could be worth trying to negotiate a higher equity split but I truly urge her to play ball.

3. Maintenance
   Put in a claim for child maintenance now. He has left the house he needs to pay for the under 18 year olds

4. Child Benefit
   Request child benefit is transferred to as she is the resident parent.

5. Doctors
   She urgently needs a mental health intervention. Go to the doctors and see if they can help her on a course of anti depressants for the time being.

6)Universal Credit and Jobs
Tough love here. The kids will be leaving home soon and are already in school full time. She needs to get a job as soon as possible and begin a UC claim. Think what she can enjoy but she will need to work as soon as possible. Care homes are crying out for people. There are jobs without experience. Get something now and there is time to progress still.

Is there any way you'd consider taking her phone off her? I think I would do that for her own benefit as she's going to be in trouble otherwise.

You mentioned the legal advice was that nothing could be done as she isn't married but what about the money from her flat? What's the legal advice about that?

I think you are a wonderful sister and aunt. Do look after yourself too.

This is so so shit and so depressing. Your sister is getting a lot of tough love “need to get on with it” comments which I understand to an extent but for her it’s like her life has ended. Her life as she knows it has ended and she’s been hit with the realisation she has nothing and he’s been scheming for a while to make sure he’s alright, but sod her. Fuck I feel
sick at the thought people do this to each other.
I would tell the older kids everything, they should know
So glad you’re taking the pets, I was worried about them too.
There does need to be a point in which she picks herself up, for her own sake and the kids she is SO LUCKY that she has you, what an amazing sister you are!!!
It seems she has gone YEARS with him withholding money, and he’s totally dropped her in it now, and now he’s off on holiday, whilst keeping the child benefit! Get that sorted first of all, make notes of everything and speak to woman’s aid asap, get on UC, open a bank account and get her to GP.
What a cunt

there are some spectacularly unsympathetic posts on here - actually no, empathetic is perhaps more accurate. When this happens to you, it is an utter utter shock. Completely pole-axing. When it happened to me I had two toddlers and full time job. I took three weeks off and my parents were a godsend because I couldn't breathe, eat or sleep for about a week. I was fortunate that we were married, I hadn't been a SAHM for much except mat leave and am capable (and now do) support me and the kids with only CMS from ex. For those who can't wait to stick the boot in, wonder if she was an unstable nightmare and he was right to leave her and she should stop being so pathetic, really just fuck off. She'll get it together no doubt but her sister is reaching out for positive help and advice. As for contacting the OW of course its not the right thing to do but it is 100% understandable at this point and the very most that might happen is a cease and desist letter from a solicitor. I suspect this "man" will not want a judge anywhere NEAR this case from any angle so unlikely he would go further down that route-- his hiding of savings, misappropriation of the flat money, financial abuse and likely witholding of maintenance might come to light.

Why do you keep posting long, weird replies to one poster? Just move on. You're derailing.

@BirdsofPrey1 a little empathy wouldn't go amiss.

You're empathy is more with the OW.

I've been where the OPs sister is (although not as extreme) I wasn't rationale in the beginning. Although in my case the OW had to come clean to her husband as well.

I do agree OP's DS should stop messaging the OW for her well being. She'll feel better taking back some control.

@Newchapterbeckons you are a wonderful sister. 💐And you have been given some great suggestions to help your DS. I hope she is able to make use of some of it to help her.

Sorry if I missed it, but are the partners parents around to help?

@BibbleandSqwauk had good advice

I was about to post exactly this. A solicitor has given a free half hour of advice and confirmed legal position.
So many people post on threads like this ‘see a solicitor’ we can only advise on law as it stands not wave a magic wand.
Saying she put herself in a precarious position is a very diplomatic lawyer like way of putting it.

For those insisting the tale's fake - even leaving aside we're supposed to query that with MNHQ rather than put it on here - does it really matter?

There are so many other women who take these sort of silly risks, and I always think that if the replies help just one such person it's probably no bad thing

It’s only now I can see how few of her friends are left, only two friends seem to be in touch, I asked her about this. She said over the years raising the dc, doing all the housework and cleaning, cooking she just didn’t have time to see them. By the time the last one started school she realised she had lost most of her friends. She used to volunteer at school with reading, she also did other things for the church.
He didn’t help at home ever, he worked all of the time and now he is in a great position to cash in on alll of those decades of perseverance whilst she facilitated it all. Twenty years of thankless drudgery.