Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

for what’s she’s entitled re benefits
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

specifically about housing - support for mortgage interest

https://www.gov.uk/support-for-mortgage-interest

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/support-for-mortgage-interest-smi/support-for-mortgage-interest-smi/deciding-if-you-should-apply-for-smi/

and CMA

Most of us are capable of completely unhinged behaviour when utterly distraught. I can categorically say if my husband waltzed off with another woman purposely leaving me up financial shit creek without a paddle - to the extent he had actively planned to sabotage my finances - I'd be going absolutely nuclear and thinking of every possible way I could wreak revenge.

That's not to say it would be right or productive, but I can certainly understand and empathise with the instinct. When you're that distraught you simply don't think rationally or clearly.

The 19 year old child will be able to make an emergency grant application from the Student Financial Support Team at university which will give the household some money, or if there was a parental contribution to her income that has now stopped. All universities have these funds.

Seriously, OP, your sister needs to shape up and start working with people to start sorting her situation out. I know she has had a big shock but she has responsibilities and will be in danger of alienating people if continues to be helpless.

No, not unhinged. A desperate woman who has had her life upended. I'm told that the ending of a relationship like this can be akin to a bereavement.

Why do you say she does not need to sell the house? On what basis??

The property is jointly owned so she can buy him out or its sold and the proceeds split.

Of course he SHOULD pay child support but as he's self employed he has a lot of control over this.

Given his behaviour so far I would proceed on a worst scenario basis.

The GP or a magic pill will not stop her from messaging the other woman. She needs time to heal and see sense.

People can say what they want. I get that it is very stressful but harassing the OW is not ok and it is not a normal reaction to this situation.

You need to get some advice on how the money from the sale of the house will be paid.

If it is all paid into his account, she might have a fight on her hands to get any of it and he could well start claiming she is only entitled to a smaller percentage.
Nothing you have written on here sounds like a man who is willing to be reasonable enough to give her half.

It seems she entered the relationship owning a flat and he has walked out 20 years later with him owning a flat, which might be evidence of a history of financial abuse, along with him claiming the child benefit and pension credit for the past 19 years plus the text refusing to pay it to her even when he has left and is not supporting his own children.

If bills are in his name, then she shouldn't contact people about paying them right now.
Companies don't care who pays and never refuse payment so they will happily add you as a debtor then chase you if you claim responsibility at all.
You do need to find out which bills/debts/credit agreements are in her name if any.
Also make sure any things like car insurance are up to date and if he has been paying for them, that they are still in place.

You would need legal advice on all this stuff however, because I don't know enough to give you advice accurate enough to act on.

We really do need more comprehensive financial education in schools.

The male acquaintance of mine I mentioned could not make his wife sell their house. The case went to court and the judge ruled she could have the house as it was the family home and the children were under 18. This was only last year so very recent.

With regards to her texting the OW. I would expect the OW to immediately block the caller so she is highly unlikely to see any of the messages your sister is sending. So she is totally and utterly wasting her time. I know you have implored her to stop, but I would take the phone off her and block the number, then delete it from her phone and all the messaging history etc so she is forced to stop. Distraught as she is this is getting ridiculous. She needs to focus on what she does next.

The children should stay with their dad for now. She's neglecting them and he has all the money- time he a was a responsible for their welfare and not just himself.

Kindly, I understand your anger but if you're supporting her, you might need to play a different tune.

She has 4 kids who will see what their father is doing and judge him for it (I wouldn't talk to the kids this way though!)

She has a life ahead of her without this man, who was financially controlling.

She has the opportunity to earn a living and have independence.

She has people who love and care about her, whereas he has a fling that will probably fall flat once the money runs out.

It's definitely shit but the future isn't entirely gloomy.

My sister is very angry as anyone would be. Can you seriously blame her? This ow knew they had been together for decades, knew they had 4 dc. Why would you do that to another person?? Why not meet someone single?
My sister is broken and lashing out understandably. I am sorry you can’t feel empathy for her.

I didn't say it was OK, I said I could completely understand the instinct and in the circumstances it doesn't automatically follow that someone who does that is unhinged on a daily basis.

This seems to happen to so many SAHMs.
I would advise your sister to get a full time job asap, and never rely on another man financially, Always cover your own back.

Why has she lost her friends?

So sorry this is happening to your sister what an a hole!

I have dyslexia so please bare with me I am awful at writing and spelling 😬
Tell her to apply for universal credit asap! I am on it, I have two children under the age of 18 and I am currently not working because of my mental health with losing 3 close family members in the space of 4 months so I just can't right now.
They have been understanding and all they have asked from me is to provide a fitness note from the doctor, let the doctors know your situation and that you can't work right now they should do one for you then you will be paid. When I briefly split from my husband a few years ago they paid me his wages. Find somewhere to rent, if you can apply for housing I would as rent prices is ridiculous right now. She will get through this in time stay strong especially for the children x

Yes because they were married. It is a very rare order in divorce cases. This couple is not married. It is a really fundamental difference.

Isn't it amazing how many men who leave their wife after decades because the wife is absolutely mental / hell to live with / beyond help etc still leave their kids in the wife's care while they fuck off with another women?

It's almost like the ex wife isn't mental at all, isn't it?

What a shit excuse for a father he is.

I'm so glad she has you OP

You write and spell perfectly well. Better than a lot of people without dyslexia (!)

In the gentlest way possible, get the phone away from her.

Can you imagine if it was a man bombarding someone with messages, losing his temper and generally behaving like an unstable twat?

Why has she lost all her friends? Why is she still permanently exhausted when her youngest child is 13 and two are adults / nearly adults? This is all odd even before the bombshell

Maybe their being married made a difference.

It might not be a good idea to text the other woman, but it's not hard to understand why someone who has had all power taken away from them might grab onto what small weapon they do have, in the form of texts. I did some weird things in the immediate aftermath of bereavement and this isn't so different.

OP, is there any way she can 'lose' her phone? Even for a few hours?