Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Yes basically. That he will take her to court and it will be forced through, and she will be left with considerable legal costs (leaving her with even less) so that is the advice she has received, they encouraged her to sell. I always thought if you had dc under 18 they could remain there but that is not what we have been told. Has anyone successfully stayed in their home via the courts? Recently?

She is now talking about sabotaging viewings and has sent numerous messages to the other lady, I have implored her to stop as it’s making things worse. He will end up having a case against her for harassment if she isn’t careful, but she isn’t thinking straight at all.

This is so heartrending. Women so need to be educated about their rights and finances, and told that marriage is not just a piece of paper, or an outdated institution.

MNersSufferFromContextomy

They are not married.

Can the 19 yr old step up a bit? Talk to her, manage the house, take care of the pets.

Which he would do, and win, and she'd have to pay her own legal costs plus quite possibly his for being unnecessarily obstructive, which could exceed the value of her equity.

She's not being turfed into the street right now. She can live in the house until a sale completes, which is at a minimum several months away, and once it does she has her share of the equity to house herself with.

I always thought if you had dc under 18 they could remain there but that is not what we have been told.

I think this would be a mesher order tied to a divorce only

Yes basically. That he will take her to court and it will be forced through, and she will be left with considerable legal costs (leaving her with even less) so that is the advice she has received, they encouraged her to sell. I always thought if you had dc under 18 they could remain there but that is not what we have been told

The only cases I know where women stayed in the family home until the kids were 18 was where they were married, the husband wanted this to happen and it was 20+ years ago. I would imagine with the cost of living issues now, not many people can afford to keep two households.

Your poor sister-hopefully the GP has some good suggestions. The last thing she needs now is some sort of restraining order for harassment :(

I always thought if you had dc under 18 they could remain there but that is not what we have been told. Has anyone successfully stayed in their home via the courts? Recently?

Mesher orders are vanishingly rare these days and would only really be considered if both parties were able to adequately house and support themselves and the children… and, crucially, only when parents were married.

As your sister sadly wasn’t married her proceedings would be in the civil courts, not family courts, and the children wouldn’t come into it at all.

They would be looking at these proceedings: https://www.irwinmitchell.com/personal/family-law/unmarried-couples/tolata-claims#:~:text=The%20Trusts%20of%20Land%20and,can%20remain%20in%20the%20property.

In Scotland there is help available for un married women.
Has her ex put the house up for sale without her consent ? If there is a dispute then lawyers make up a document that they are on control over the monies from the sale so it’s split evenly.
Coupd your sister call and als the legal aid board they are helpful . Again it all depends the area you both live

It's shit but she will need to get a job and support herself , they are separated he doesn't need to pay her food and bills

The OW is entirely irrelevant, especially for the purposes of this post. For all we know the OW is a clever one who watching this man dismantle his family’s security, will know to carefully protect herself whilst enjoying whatever advantage this relationship offers her, for as long as it lasts.

The consolation this woman needs is getting help to boost her mental and financial wellbeing, and to her get back to being well enough to continue raising her children. She’s dealing with a Grade A bastard who is fine leaving his children hungry, so her sole focus should be on handling HIM in such a way as to secure the best outcome for her and her children.

Unfortunately I can not offer uch in the way of advice but it's something I have helped a friend through. Not the legal stuff or finance but the form filling, the emotional side, arranging appointments, making food. Reading your post's where your explaining how she is right now I instantly understood and it's so hard to explain.
There is no reason to my post other than to tell you, you are doing amazingly. You will see your sister through this and when the time is right go to the sun yourselves, it may be awhile away but it will come. I'm heartbroken for your sister.

It would be foolish to jeopardise viewings.

She can't afford to stay there so needs to sell quickly, and for the best price.

But right now she is in denial and shocked. He has had a long time to plan his exit but this is sudden for her and it will take time for her to accept it.

However, accept it she must and I certainly found it very therapeutic to start making plans and taking small steps towards them.

It is surprising that he is so hateful. He is the one who had an affair yet he seems to hate and want to punish her.

Apologies, no advice here.
To the people who told me off in the past for listening to "man haters",
may this piece of garbage rot in hell.
Full stop.

Sususudio The 19 yr old is a 1st yr uni student who has taken out loans for education for their future, living elsewhere, most likely in halls.

You need to help her contact a solicitor asap . She does not need to sell the house , he must pay child support and your sister can claim UC . If you truly believe there has been emotional and financial abuse speak with police too and consider a non molestation order to prevent him getting near her .

We only have your side of the story. Wonder what the ex has to say. The way she is behaving towards the OW and now the plan to sabotage viewings makes her sound unhinged. may not all be as black and white as if seems. but if she has energy for all that, shouldn't she put that towards some more productive channels such as being a grown up and getting a job etc?

If he won't pay proper CMS tell them she can't afford to house them so they'll have to live with him. It will not be what he or his new gf will want. It will likely make him pay proper maintenance.

You seem oddly keen to jump to the defence of the OW and seem to want to minimise her part in this. It doesn’t place more importance at all, this is anonymous and the OW can’t see this. They’re both as guilty as one another and the thread can be about whatever people would like to contribute as long as it’s relevant and not derailing which it’s not. Just because you have “decided” it’s not relevant, that doesn’t make it fact. I’d say as multiple users are posting about it then it must be fairly relevant. You’re the only person who’s going out of their way to take exception to it. If it wasn’t then the OP would not have included it and would have just said he left and not elaborated. She felt she needed to and people are entitled to their opinions without it being dictated to by other posters. You don’t get to make that decision. What makes you think your opinions count more than anyone else’s or that your opinions should be adhered to more than anyone else? This is not in the spirit of Mumsnet and is quite frankly fucking weird behaviour. Offering different stances are the whole point of these online forums and if you don’t like, I suggest you either scroll on or keep of Mumsnet as it’s not the place for you.

Zoreos, I'll post where and what I like within guidelines, thanks. Happy to ignore your illogical mutterings though.

I expect she is unhinged at the moment. That's a pretty natural consequence of having your whole life implode. It isn't necessarily the mark of an inherently unstable person.

But it's true she needs to do what will improve her position and obstructing the sale and harassing the OW isn't it. I don't know how to get her to do this but the immediate GP appointment seems the best start.

How does she plan on paying the mortgage, even if she were allowed to keep the house?

I don’t even think her position would be amazingly different with marriage. He is self employed so no pension. Maybe she would have a stake in the flat he bought and their savings. The biggest mistake was giving up her job for so many years, and not having any money of her own to fall back on.

I have been a SAHP for a shorter period and I have worked for years , but I am not sure I fully understood either, all those years ago how vulnerable having children makes us. How much we have to sacrifice to have them. How unfair it all seems.

My sister has been dumped with all the kids, pets, house and work whilst he swans off on holiday for weeks on end, gets the lion share of everything they have both worked for. She carried all 4 kids, nearly died having one of them. Lost her career, her friends for the most part and all for this? It’s just so utterly shit.

Drag her to the GP, if necessary, and get her some help so she can stop messagig the OW.