Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

The problem is that that essentially makes it impossible to cohabit without being effectively married, which a lot of people wish to do and often for very good reasons. Classic example would be a couple in later life who don't want to compromise their children's inheritances. People do need to be able to cohabit and keep their money and assets separate if they want to, and joining them must be a mutual decision in a legal contract - ie, marriage.

It's absolutely awful when this happens, though. I think the only real solution is more education and awareness. Marriage is not outdated at all and at a class level, it protects women.

Please can you not post this untrue rubbish. You are either married (or civil partnered) or you're not. There is no such thing as a 'five-year rule', no such thing as 'common law wife' either.

You're not helping the OP with this, I'm just glad it's the sister and not the woman with the actual issue whose thread this is.

No it isn’t in England?! Why do you think that. We don’t have de facto or common law marriage here.

In the laws eyes 5 years or more is classed as been married

What law? Please quote it.

What was she doing for a job before she got together with him?

Women nearly always come off worse if for no other reason than our earning power is usually much less, less likely to have pensions, career breaks for children and men leave when they have someone else to go to whereas women leave when they have had enough.

My relative went through pretty much the same reaction when her subhuman shitbag left, although she was married she didn’t have the strength to claim anything from him as didn’t want to divorce (nor did he as he’d have to pay up). We honestly worried mentally she would never recover it was such a huge trauma for her. The positive is that within about a year of living with family and being supported emotionally she then went on to rebuild her life and has now got a happy ever after with a wonderful man who treats her better than the ex ever did.

I don't think that's entirely true, e.g. unmarried couples do not avoid tax on inheritance from their partner, for example.

What you've posted is totally incorrect and a myth.

It doesn't matter how long the relationship is or how long you live together. The only thing that confers the same protection and rights as marriage is marriage. Not time.

Just as a consolation, the OW whether she likes it or not will spend however long she is with him deep down knowing he could do it to her also.

Silly OW. I would never be someones seconds.

The only protection would of been is marriage or work.
To get anything from him would of been only possible without marriage if she was working and contributing towards the mortgage, bills, expenses for the children, etc. Partnership only counts as a "marriage" if she had an income, which she didn't- it's all about the finances, the law doesn't care about feelings.

Unfortunately, she made a decision to financially rely on him without marriage, which gives her no protection at all.

The only way now is forward. Look for ways to get child care from him and jobs.

She can’t stay, she can’t pay the mortgage, no way round it. She isn’t married and even if she was she’d still not be just entitled to stay and have him pay. But as she can’t pay the mortgage or buy him out, she can’t stay. The only option is the house is sold.

I'm pretty sure his assumptions are wrong. This link might help. It's unbelievable what some people do. No wonder she feels like she does x https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=A%20property%20may%20be%20owned,to%20stay%20in%20the%20home.

I’m so sorry this has happened to your sister. The OW may thinks she’s the cat that’s got the cream now but one day she will realise the vile, abusive, cheating asshole she’s with. He will for certain cheat on her as well as shes naively opened up a vacancy for her position. Your sister needs to put in a claim for UC and get them to give her an advanced payment. Contact child benefit immediately and report the fact he no longer lives at the address so the payments need to be moved to her. Him withholding and receiving this money from her from the moment he moved out is benefit fraud and they will most certainly be interested to hear of it. My friends ex dp did the same and they were fabulous at helping her. Ask again for it by way of text and get proof of his refusal. You should have contact with him moving forward instead of her.
I know it’s hard but you should be firm but as civil as possible. Rebuff his claims of her “mental health” and firmly dismiss it as nonsense and don’t engage in any
mind games or wordplay with him and make him aware that you won’t also. Apply for Child maintenance straight away and try and reassure your sister that although it feels as though her life as ended, he’s in fact freed her from a dreadful existence. OW has just set herself up for a life of heartache and serves her right. Plenty of people find work after decades in both retail and hospitality etc. you need to sit down with her kids and be honest about what’s happened. Deal in facts rather than emotion, they deserve to know the truth of their father’s deceit and awful treatment of their mother. Good luck OP.

Claim as a single person with children online
Then she will be sent letter to attend job centre with identification
It is not back dated, so claim ASAP
Money should be paid from date of claim
If she cannot work, she will need a doctors note

Good luck

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Not read the whole thread due to time, just the OP's posts, so sorry if this is repeated advice. I have some experience in this stuff due to relevant work so wanted to do a helpful post here.

1. Seeing doctor is a great step. Also tell your sister she can call Samaritans, 116123 whenever she needs to talk, they will listen. Calls are free

2. Getting her applying for Universal Credit, even if she sits next to you whilst you do it online, is the most important. Then she needs to ring child benefit. You can ring, you can say hi I'm X's sister, they will get permission to speak to you from her then you can deal. Tell them the situation and that child benefit needs to be coming to her account

3. Work through her creditors and ring them one by one. Again you/DH/whoever ring whilst sat with her, get her to give permission to speak to you. Be honest with them about the situation, they would all rather know and be able to help than her just pay nothing and screw her finances. Some of them may agree a £1 a month token payment for now, for example. It's perfect if, it they do, you can pay that on the phone for this month-I appreciate asking you to pay isn't ideal but it may be that £1 per creditor for say 10 creditors is worth it to you, to know that pressure is off her for a few weeks

If they were married, she would be entitled to half the proceeds of the house. She has stayed at home for 20 years raising his children so she would be entitled to half his pension. I don't know how it works is she was not legally married to him. She needs to consult a solicitor ASAP

It is not just this day and age, she is a separate adult, and made her choice , to not work and not marry . The law cannot protect her from herself op. I’m sorry.

Why are posters focusing on the OW? She is not relevant. She isn't going to live a life of misery either. The minute she finds that he's a twat, she'll be off. She has no qualms, links or need to be concerned, no matter how much people would prefer otherwise.

But she is irrelevant.

No advice OP, just sympathy. What a cunt.

And I would bet my house the OW has been around for quite some time.

She needs to make sure that child benefit is transferred to her. That will give some income. So if she doesn't have one, a bank account will be a necessity. If they did not claim child benefit due to her P's earnings she can complete a form online to restart it and have it transferred to her account.

There is a good chance that they will not force the sale of the house until the last minor turns 18. He may be entitled to half but that is still their home and the law still would apply regardless of them being married or not. It’s worth investigating this with some free legal advice OP. Have a ring around of local solicitors til you find one willing to give a free consultation.

She needs to open a new bank account and inform the child benefits office of the circumstances. As soon as she gets her new account details she can give it to them. Monzo is a good bank account and quick to set up everything is done through an app.

Your poor sister he's a bastard.

my sister has legally put herself in a precarious position by not getting married, and basically there isn’t anything they can do.

So awful and sad for your sister, but I so wish more women knew this and were able to go into relationships fully armed with the facts. I have read so many posts where women say, ‘marriage is just a piece of paper, it means nothing’ and an equal number of posts like your sister’s where people haven’t worked for decades, didn’t get married and are totally screwed when their partner leaves. Marriage gives you protection and I think you need to know this when if you decide to go part time or quit work to look after kids.

I hope you can get her to the GP. To those posters saying the GP will ‘sign her off’-is that possible when she doesn’t currently work? Or is it called something else when you don’t have a job-ie to help her access other benefits?