Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

You can apply to have them transferred to your sister if they are in his name - I looked into this for my MIL a while ago as she was screwed over like this by her first husband.

Wouldn't he have to agree to this?

A free hour of legal advice is actually quite useful in some cases, to gauge if you'll get on with the lawyer and also if they give you sound advice. I wouldn't always recommend it but wouldn't discount it out of hand either. And yes, most clients who do use this free hour especially family/divorce are often sleep deprived/stressed and can't eat. Have seen this with my own eyes. Usually they come with a family member/friend.

Great news that the national insurance credits might be able to be transferred over!

You have. The flat was sold and the proceeds invested in the "marital" home. He then used the reduction in mortgage payments and his own income to buy another property in his sole name.

Your poor sister, her partner sounds like a total bastard.

I might be tempted to phone the GP and try to get some medication for her in the short term. A friend had a mini breakdown once and beta blockers just for a couple of days really helped.

This is exactly why the cohabitation bill needs to passed. Absolutely unfair, and it’s no good for those saying she should have got married - there needs to be protection outside that institution, as most of these cases are down to long term financial abuse.

I am so sorry for your sister. Think best to sit with her through the shock, she will eventually feel strong enough to battle on. Are the bills in his name? I mean, what a legacy to leave his daughters. Has he parents or family that could be spoked to?

Agree that a loan for your sister so she can go about the usual business and then get applying for eveything to help.

Situations like this absolutely enrage me - particularly when the views here shift away from his appallling behaviour to “she should have been married”

A free hour of legal advice is actually quite useful in some cases, to gauge if you'll get on with the lawyer and also if they give you sound advice. I wouldn't always recommend it but wouldn't discount it out of hand either. And yes, most clients who do use this free hour especially family/divorce are often sleep deprived/stressed and can't eat. Have seen this with my own eyes. Usually they come with a family member/friend.

I can only go by my own experience but when my family needed legal advice, it was a brief half hour free consultation. Literally had to go in with the questions we needed to ask written down and it was like a quick fire Q&A session! But I appreciate this might not be the case everywhere.

I think the poster that posted the comment that I replied to, meant that the sister apparently can't eat or sleep, doesn't open the curtains, hasn't fed the cat or her children, hasn't cleaned the house and is practically not even acknowledging the children are there but she managed to access an hour of free legal advice in amongst that.

Who knows?!

I am a SAHM with kids of a similar age. I think some of these responses are less than helpful. It is only in the last few years that there has been reasonable adjustments by employers for women. So many women with children under 18 have been in a tricky position with employers not offering any flexibility at all. I had a senior management role when i first became pregnant but would not have been able to return to part-time or with any adjustments. My team (of men) refused to work with a part-timer and my boss ignored my emails for months. In the end I was given a career break of 2 years . When i returned I was expected to stay late every evening even though my nanny had to leave at 7. My husband has always begged me to stay at home because his job (partner level global organisation) means he has to be on call at all times and wouldn't have the capacity to help me. Being a SAHM mum has meant that he is able to travel on a whim, take on extra work, get promoted etc... I undertake voluntary work using my work skills and will return to work at some point but I will never achieve what I could have achieved when I had my first child. This was a joint decision. Some of my peers carried on with 2 'big jobs' but they either had strong family support or amazing nannies who were able to work hours. Some peers don't see their kids that much but their children are very independent and resilient. Other children don't cope as well. Overall , in my experience, someone normally steps back and either stops work, works part-time or changes jobs to a less 'career demanding ' role.

Just ring child benefit and tell them new details and ask for it weekly. I did thus and it really helps

I would let her husband's parents know. Are they as grandparents going to standby and watch their grandchildren become homeless and hungry ? Ask the grandparents for money since the mother has been left high and dry.

OP, tell your sister not to block the sale of the house. It will be used against her.

Make the kids go to stay with the ex from Friday afternoon - Sunday night. He can feed them and look after them. That will give your sister time to sort herself out. Whatever things the kids need, tell them to ask dad to take them shopping. (if he is not spending it on the kids, he is spending it on the OW). If ex- doesn't take them, take the kids to stay with grandparents of the ex every weekend. They can pay for the food and lodging and go wtf at their lovely son.

I have also noticed among my peers who are getting divorced it is the women who seem to have a raw deal these days. This is irrespective of whether they were a stay-at-home parent or whether they worked full-time.

Then go on child maintenance and start that 20 quid tho but worth it.

This thread is eyeopening. I'm so sorry your sister is going through all this. You sound brilliant. You've said that you're all shocked because he was such a lovely, decent, family man and it makes me wonder if he's been a total bastard all along. They're generally good at making themselves look wonderful to outsiders.

I agree with the suggestion that her kids need to be sat down and have everything explained to them. They're old enough. And if your niece is getting blackout drunk then she needs support. What about his parents? Are they on the scene at all as grandparents?

Inform the school about what is happening so that they can monitor the children and give them school counselling if it is available.

She gave him the money from the sale to pay for the mortgage on their joint home and he bought himself an apartment. Idk how much of this was discussed over text or email and even if she kept the messages. It’s financial abuse. But can it be proven?

@WhatHeSaid33 the state muscling in on people’s private business is not something we should aspire to. If boyfriend and girlfriend want legal protections they can very easily opt in, by signing a marriage contract. No one should be pushing for cohabiting people to have ‘rights’ without consent, it’s obviously a terrible idea.
@atotalshambles you’re a married SAHM, so not relevant to OPs sisters case.

This isn’t what op has said at all.

If she's on the edge, get her to a GP, explain she's fraught and depressed and get her a sick note (not sure how it works now) It won't be easy for her to suddenly get a job after all those years if she's cracking up and shocked. Then the process of putting her life back together and eventually getting a job might be ameliorated by one less stressful element. (The obligation to apply for gazillion jobs every week or risk losing benefit). She has so much on her plate.

I've recently been through a similar situation and it really does feel like the world is ending and will never be right again. Your sister is going to need time and patience to get over what has happened to her and her children.

I see you've already made an appointment with the doctor and that's good. Not only will the doctor be able to prescribe something to help her, he or she will also be able to counter that nasty claim of his that she had mental health issues.

Contact the mortgage company. They will be very helpful, the same with any other bills or debts she has.

Universal Credit will not demand she finds a job immediately if the doctor signs her off sick. She needs to put in her claim as soon as possible. Also contact Citizens Advice, who will advise what she is entitled to and where to get support.

Take one day at a time and don't try to do too much.
Housework can wait. Leave all the unimportant stuff, get the kids to help out, too. Of course they think he's wonderful at the moment, he's their dad. They'll very soon have a different opinion of him when they see what he's done.

I was amazed at how quickly mine came to terms with the situation and stood by me. For now, they'll look after her, not the other way around. She won't need it for long.

When she's feeling better, then she can look for work. Right now, her priorities are food, sleep and recovery.

I thought I'd never cope. I did, and I'm in a much better place than I was. She'll get through it with support. It was my sister who saved me, too.

I agree with this, it really, really isn't about the OW. She may be all kinds of horrible person but she's so irrelevant here. OP's sister must stop contacting her because the last thing she would need is a visit from the police. This horrible pair (partner and OW) have the mental capacity to do this - it would likely destroy OP's sister to have to deal with a legal problem. It wouldn't bode well for job seeking in the future either.

OP, I agree, you are a great sister. Close ranks. Can you get to your sister's phone, write down the relevant numbers and then delete them from her phone so that she can't carry on doing this pointless texting? He isn't going to help so no point contacting him. Close ranks.

I agree with all the helpful posts here - GP first, your sister's health/mental state is a priority and that must be dealt with first. Sick note and access to state money next.

I'm so sorry to read about this but not surprised to hear that he has managed all of these deceitful things in the background. This has been brewing for months if not years. I don't know how much a forensic accountant would cost but given the hiding of funds and lack of documentation, I'd be looking for one.

I have been going through everything with my sister. I have had to be quite girl with her, because I need her to get it together so we can work out what to do.

The free advice I am sorry to say was worse than useless. The woman was very judgemental and said my sister has legally put herself in a precarious position by not getting married, and basically there isn’t anything they can do. There appears to be no protection at all. Even in this day and age.

So anyone expecting help from that particular avenue may find it’s a dead end.

In the laws eyes 5 years or more is classed as been married . Get her to make a appointment at the CAB they can advise and help .also she can claim universal credit for her and the kids and she would be able to get a budgeting advance to tie her over till she gets first payment . Also I would go to thr council and explian and speak to them about going on a list for for a house but they will find them tempoary accommodation. Sorry I could not be more of anyhelp xx

Rachelsthorns what a fantastic post, so timely too. High-fiving you for coming out the other side and upwards!

Yes we all know that, but no-one else is saying it because being a smug bitch isn't remotely wanted here

I read you first post with ‘partner’ and knew what was coming next. You sound like a lovely supportive sister.
Look on her local county council website. There’s lots of jobs on ours for passenger assistant or catering assistant in schools or cleaning operative paying foundation living wage. She will have experience as a mum for these type of roles and you can assist her with application online.