Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

She needs to be so careful not to hound this other woman by text, the last thing she needs at the minute is to be charged for harassing her and it would really be in favour of her ex if this were to happen.

My sister went through similar. I am afraid that she got him to behave decently by being unfalteringly polite and accommodating. It sticks in the throat of course, but brought him to the negotiating table and she received a fairer financial contribution from him as a consequence.

So my advice would be for your sister to stop angrily messaging him and ow, and avoid blame when talking to the dc and other relatives.

Ideally, you'd secure a commitment from him to pay towards living expenses for an agreed number of weeks while she finds her feet, and then yes she will need to claim benefits and child maintenance whilst also looking for unskilled work.

She also needs to find out how much equity is in the house. Would he answer this question if you asked him? It's not unreasonable for her to want to start planning her future. If not she'll need to contact the mortgage provider to ask that question.

Apply for free school meals and council tax reduction

What a shit he is , but there are two Sue's to every story.
However , he shouldn't have left her without even being able to buy food for the kids.
Can you message him @Newchapterbeckons ?
Even if he sends money to you , you can give it to her.

The perils of relying on somebody else's earnings. Its fine until it isn't fine. If she is on the title deeds of the house she owns half. But if there is mortgage outstanding they are both liable for the debt. He will need to pay maintenance. If she has nothing it's a shame but she has had her head in the sand for 20 years. While other folk have been working and paying taxes.

If you're in London (SW) I know a very good civil lit lawyer who may take this on, he's got a good track record of winning too, sadly the family law person there is nice but a bit disorganised so wouldn't use him, I know of another good female family law lawyer though and will PM you if you like

As they’re unmarried the house sale will be done through the civil courts not family courts. Ideally I’d encourage avoiding court because the house will have to be sold and the legal costs of a dispute could eat up any equity there is.

If there’s a dispute over child arrangements then that would be family law, but unlikely that the court would realistically get too involved given the ages of the children.

Thanks for coming, Viv.

What do the teens know or understand about what's happened? Your OP isn't clear, the eldest is obviously aware of something but the youngest you said you don't believe she's told them? Do they know their parents have separated and their father has moved out and started a new relationship? Are they in contact with him independently? Has he spoken to them about future contact and explained he has new housing? Your description of the children is that they seem very passive, they are not babies and must have questions about where dad has disappeared to and why mum is having a break down with no food in the house? It must be frightening for them to be kept in the dark for over 3 weeks.

If your sister won't speak to them you need to explain what's happening, as neutral as possible, that their father has left the family home, mum is very upset but you are there for them and school can also help them.

Do you never read back your tone deaf posts and feel embarrassed afterwards?

Callous

@Newchapterbeckons it’s really important that your sister stops contacting the OW. If the police get a complaint she could be in an even worse situation.

The children need to know exactly what is going on. They are old enough to understand that their parents are no longer together and their mother is struggling both financially and emotionally. Their father will be sure to put his side across (if he hasn’t already done so) and the children may choose to live with him unless she starts communicating with them and pulling herself together. It might be best for you to talk to them.

Her ex is a bastard but she needs to deal with the fact that she is on her own now. The sooner she accepts that he isn’t coming back the better it will be for everyone. She sounds like she needs to see her GP urgently and she is very lucky to have you supporting her.

Thanks for explaining mortgages, home ownership and what the clickety-clack knitting needles at the guillotine sounded like.

If you or your sister like to get help/ support from reading there is an excellent book on this subject. I went through a lesser version and found this book incredible. As you realise this happens to so many women and it is not personal to you. There is no shame in the past choice made to be a caregiver.
'Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal'
They are all so lucky to have you.

If there is evidence of coercive control and financial abuse (particularly him disposing of her assets), as well as a criminal offence she may be able to bring a civil claim for compensation.

I'd let him know that unless he makes money available immediately for the bills and the children and behaves decently in terms of the finances, you'll be looking into reporting him to the police.

Child benefit is going to his account currently, she just texted him to say she would like it sent to her account as she is looking after the dc 100% of the time, and he just told her to get stuffed he is already paying enough

Probably pointless to ask why she aallowed the child benefit to be paid to him - hasn't she put any thought into this at all? - but good luck getting maintenance out of him with the attitude he's displaying, especially as he's self employed

Frankly she's very lucky to have you, and yes this will pass. It'll be difficult for now, but hopefully she can build a brighter future with more open eyes

She needs to stop texting the other woman, it’s harassment and she will get herself into trouble.

While it’s awful what she is going through, she is the adult and she needs to step up and be a parent. I’d be trying to talk some sense into her and get her to snap out of it and focus.

GP appointment, legal aid due to financial abuse and fight him for every penny. Forcing a sale will take him ages and she can use this time to get her life together.

She needs to call Child Benefit and get it put into her name.

You can pay the last 6 years of missed pension but no more at present but perhaps the child benefit will give her some protection for her state pension?

I doubt it if the youngest is 13. He has probably got all the pension contributions.

Op,I mean this gently, but you need to be thinking ahead here, I’d be concerned your sister thinks you will now step in and care and provide for her.

it does read like she’s had a nervous breakdown, so the doctor is key, but honestly I’d be asking the husband what he meant by mental health issues, in case there is something there to be aware of.

marriage breakdowns are incredibly complex .

Right . . . .

My husband walked out on me and our three DC just before Xmas and has refused any contact with the kids since, so I speak as someone who has been in a similar situation very recently and is still reeling from the shock and misery of it all.

I do not pretend to fully understand your sister's position because I have a job and thank fuck for that. However, I very much wanted to get into bed and not get out if it. And possibly drink myself to death. I couldn't. The kids had already lost one parent. First step for me was to see my GP and be honest. Please get your sister to the GP as a matter of urgency. I am taking antidepressants, the effect of which have now kicked it, and I am functioning. I can start to deal with all the other things.

GP, job centre, job. If you can temporarily move in with her (or someone else can), then do. Tell the kids' school what is happening so there are other eyes looking out for them too.

Callous it might seem but totally true.
Many many younger women could learn a huge amount from this woman's mistakes.

Absolutely this! regardless of the rights and wrongs, the other woman is not her business. It is her partner who has done the dirty on her. She needs to understand that if it wasn't this woman it would have been someone else at some point as he wasn't committed to his family any longer. It will also have a detrimental effect upon her health, the ex and the new woman will say 'See! told you she was crazy and how justified am I to leave her!'. She has lost so much, your dignity is not worth losing also.

Yes,and of course ,danger that he'll use it all to support his claim that she has MH problems .