Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

We are homeowners and we got benefits. UC, ESA and PIP, not once did owning our own home go against us. My dh had a breakdown and the GP happily provided fit notes which were immediately accepted by UC and no pressure was put on him to seek work. He was eventually assessed by the DWP and found to have limited capability to work and work related activities. We found people to be very sympathetic.

It sounds as if your sister is in a very depressed state and should see a doctor before she will be able, both physically and mentally to start to look for work and claim any benefits that she might be entitled to. If I was in her position though, I would wait until I could at least function on a day to day basis before I made any effort to get the house ready for sale. Both parties need to agree to the property being sold before it can happen, as far as I am aware. Like previous posters have said, the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to advise her on a number of issues. I hope she is able to get her life back on track soon.

I feel very sorry for her but she should've forced a marriage or civil partnership or left and got a job.

If I were here I'd clear all his/their accounts etc and even sell what's his. Play dirty as he will.

Never though of that - yes, play the deciever for every penny with a measured smile and talk practicality and for the sake of the children and try and at least get your fair sahr eout of him

If he does come back as many do, don't be tempted to take him back

Not sure if this is helpful OP but I asked Gemini - the AI help from Google some legal questions:

If an unmarried couple split in the UK, who have four children of school age and both parents are on the deeds of the house is there any requirement for full disclosure of assets?

While an unmarried couple splitting up in the UK with children does not have an automatic requirement for full disclosure of assets, the process can be complex, and having a clear understanding of each other's financial situation is often beneficial. Here's a breakdown of the situation:

Financial Disclosure:

Unlike married couples, who go through a formal divorce process with mandatory financial disclosure, unmarried couples have no legal requirement to disclose all their assets during separation.
However, courts generally encourage both parties to be open and transparent about their finances to reach a fair and equitable settlement, especially when children are involved.
This is because various factors, like child maintenance and living arrangements, might be influenced by each parent's financial situation.

Owning the House:

Being on the deeds of the house simply confirms ownership rights. It doesn't necessarily determine ownership percentages or how it will be divided upon separation.
If the house was jointly purchased with a specific ownership split (e.g., 50/50), it can be a starting point for negotiations.
In the absence of a pre-existing agreement, the court might consider contributions made by each partner towards the purchase, mortgage payments, and other expenses when deciding on a fair division.

Recommendations:

Even though full disclosure isn't mandatory, engaging in open communication and sharing relevant financial information might be beneficial for both individuals, especially when children are involved.
Seeking legal advice from a family solicitor can help navigate the complexities of the situation, understand options, and ensure a fair and amicable outcome. They can guide you regarding potential disclosure needs and strategize solutions based on your specific circumstances.

Can someone who has no savings but has partial equity in a house with a mortgage, apply for legal aid in the UK

Yes, someone who has no savings but partial equity in a house with a mortgage can potentially apply for legal aid in the UK. Here's why:

• Equity in your home: While having equity in your home counts as an asset, it might not disqualify you for legal aid. There are certain limits and exemptions to take into account, particularly in cases related to family matters and domestic violence.
• Financial eligibility: Legal aid has a financial eligibility component that looks at your income, savings, and assets. Equity in your home is considered, but it may or may not prevent you from qualifying depending on your specific circumstances.
• Type of Legal Case: The type of legal issue you need assistance with is highly relevant. Legal aid is often more readily available for cases like:
• Family disputes involving children
• Domestic violence injunctions
• Housing disputes (particularly if at risk of homelessness)
• The "Exceptional Case Funding" Scheme: If your legal issue doesn't typically qualify for legal aid, you might still be eligible under the Exceptional Case Funding Scheme. This is determined on a case-by-case basis, considering the seriousness of your case and the risk of human rights violations.

What to do:

1. Check the Legal Aid Eligibility Tool: Start by using the official government tool to see if you might initially qualify based on your circumstances: https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
2. Find a Legal Aid Solicitor: Seek a solicitor who specializes in your particular area of need (e.g., family law) and offers legal aid services. They can assess your individual circumstances in more detail and guide you through the application process.

Important Note: Even if you have some equity in your home, don't let that deter you from inquiring about legal aid. The eligibility rules can be complex, and seeking expert advice is the best way to determine your options.

I sadly don't think she can do much about her flat being sold and him pocketing the proceeds to buy a new flat in his name only but nothing wrong I would say in contacting solicitors who handled this case at the time and asking for docs signed, they should have it in their archives. Can't recall the amount of years they have to keep archived docs for though. Nor how many years LR records go back. A sympathetic civil lit/family law lawyer may help her with that and also what she's entitled to.

If you're in London (SW) I know a very good civil lit lawyer who may take this on, he's got a good track record of winning too, sadly the family law person there is nice but a bit disorganised so wouldn't use him, I know of another good female family law lawyer though and will PM you if you like.

Can I ask what did he mean when he said she couldn't have the chikd benefit as he was already paying enough?

In court, the flat that your DS's DP has bought for himself would be taken into account. The flat that she sold that was used to pay off some of the mortgage would also be taken into account. And the remaining funds he used to buy his own flat would also be taken into account.

Your DS needs legal advice because otherwise she'll be taken to the cleaners. His aggressive stance shows he's hoping to push her into submission by scaring her with threats and top lawyers.

If she can get some legal aid and start to push back, he'll see that this isn't nearly as clear-cut as he thinks it is - because it's not.

There may well be some charitable organisations that would also help:

https://www.flows.org.uk/support-for-women/legal-support-options

Women's aid has also been mentioned too. I'd get in touch with both of these organisatons.

If the DP of your DS sees her taking action (even if it's you behind the scenes!) he'll realise this isn't going to be an easy fight and may start to become more reasonable.

As for your DS, she probably can't bear the truth and that's why she's in denial. She gave everything, all her trust, her money, her love to this man and he's tossed it aside and of course it's a punch in the gut. Give her time and she'll come round.

I am so sorry your sister has been left in this awful situation. It will be devastating for her but not doing anything will not help her. She needs to claim benefits, certainly, and should be entitled to UC as well as making her ex pay for the children. She also needs to see her doctor. Help is available on the NHS for depression etc. It usually involves anti-depressants and also something like TEAMS meetings online, which can be interactive and in a group, but I found them really helpful, and it did not take long to arrange this. Talking therapy takes longer to get unless she shows signs of self-harm.

Wow he's really played a blinder here, hasn't he! What an absolute bastard. Your poor sister, thank god she has you in her corner.

What's the plan for the DC? Could they stay with their dad during the week? Then your sister could stay with you Mon to Fri at least? Maybe even the weekend too if there's space for the DC at yours?

Op you are blooming fantastic helping your sister like this. Poor lady x
I hope you can get her into see her GP soon , that’s the key you can’t fight is you are feeling so Ill .
x

She should be able to at least get the child benefit, as the claimant will only get this if the children are living with him. She can make a competing claim. Google the website of the low income tax reform group, they have information there about the child benefit issue, and other info which may be helpful.

What does the second sentence mean? The man is not anyone’s husband. Why would the sister ‘get on the council’ when she’ll eventually get half the equity/sale of the house?

thank god she has you, you're an absolute rock. Please also try and find time for you, as this is no doubt horrendous for you and takes its toll.

From the sounds of it she's best to sign off sick on a MH sicknote, which at least gets the benefits going while she gets her feet.

I don't have any great advice, but MN has your back collectively.

Do you have any other siblings/close family members/family friends OP? You sound like a devoted and capable lady, supporting your sister and her children in their hour of need. However, the brilliant lists that other posters have drawn up bring home just how much urgently needs to be done. You won't have time to do all of this, particularly as you have a family of your own. Can you spread the load at all?

So sorry, hopefully in time your sister will feel stronger. As far as a job is concerned, how about suggesting she looks into becoming a registered Chidminder.

If you can contact utilities companies and anything else where bills come in, warn them of the circumstances - they like that much better than unpaid bills and may defer payment, offer temporary hardship fund etc.

This is a massive shock but she'll be better off in the long run without this turd of a man!

That's not impossible, but it requires a stable home, various qualifications and registrations and a client base; we don't know what demand is like where they are. It's very much a long term plan.

She needs to speak to the mortgage company and tell them what has happened.

She needs to register for benefits immediately.

She needs to go to her GP and let the GP know if she is suffering from anxiety as they can help and it will be on her medical records which might be of help if she isn't able to recover.

She needs to contact a local law centre or the Citizen's Advice Bureau for a personal appointment as she isn't able to pay for legal representation.

She needs to gather as much financial information as she can about her ExH and the house incl. payslips, savings, insurances, mortgage - anything and everything NOW.

She needs to contact the council immediately as if he has put the house on the market, she and the children are functionally homeless and get on the housing list. Her GP should be able to support her housing application.

She needs to get any and all photos and items that are valuable or have sentimental value out of the house NOW and stash them somewhere where he can't get his hands on them. There is a risk she might come home one day and the house has been stripped.

She needs to dispossess herself of any notion that he will be fair or nice or will treat her well based on time together/being the mother of his children.

She needs to do everything she can to get some stability as she is just floating and has been dependant upon his largesse. Those days are gone and the sooner she understands that the better. Divorce often turns a partner into someone that you no longer recognise. He isn't going to soften, not with a new woman in the picture. He wants to skip off to his new life unencumbered. Pack his bags and tell him to collect and also tell him the kids need to stay with him for a while as she is too devastated to cope. It will be amazing how quickly the shine comes off the affair when you have kids hanging around....

Is it even possible to get temporary power if attorney for her financial affairs so you can deal with these matters on her behalf?

I know when my dad left abruptly, my mum got a legal separation- this protected us kids whilst the divorce was going through sadly she passed with a heart attack before the divorce, but it meant dad didn’t automatically get all their Joint assets - shed changed her will to protect us.
He wasn’t happy!

I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but her Ex can not be trusted to look after their kids futures & it sounds like you are her last line of defence whist she so poorly x

Oh yes, I would also say, once she has obtained legal advice, get them to help her draft either a legal separation or a divorce petition ASAP. She needs to take control. It will be a nasty shock for him. he thinks he holds all the power.

I think if you have contact details for his family, that's a good avenue for applying pressure for him to not be such a dick.

Or they might help out financially if they can afford it.

She will have to get a job asap. I would make this my priority. Is there a reason she cannot work (e.g. illness or disabled child she is caring for). She also should open a claim for UC.

with four kids she has always been permanently exhausted, and let him sort this side out

With respect, all of her children are teenagers and at least one is a legal adult. Nothing has been stopping her from working in at least the last five years other than her own choice. It's very unusual for an adult to be this passive and helpless, to the extent that I wonder if there's anything to his claims that she's mentally unwell.

Also, PP: RTFT they are not married and there isn't going to be any divorce settlement. The proceeds of her flat sale appear to have gone into the property she jointly owns so she will get back at least some of that. It's very unlikely she has any claim whatsoever on the flat he has bought in his own name, since it has come from a diversion of his own earned income and they aren't married.