Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

[Allthingsdreamy]

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

Will she eat at your inlaws? Is this a factor if she won't eat unless served by you?

She eats at her nanas so this isn't the issue x

It's a really tricky one ... can see why you feel upset. However if SIL is working I can see why they would be having her children more. Could it also be that your daughter requires much more attention when she's there due to her additional needs? Personally, I would think one night a week as a saHM would be amazing help!

But you don’t work. Surely your PILs having your daughter one night a week is a lot?

It's difficult when you feel that your DC is treated differently from the other grandchildren. But to be honest it sounds like you get a lot of help compared to most people. I don't know anyone whose parents or in-laws have their DC for one night a week!

She doesn't require any more attention really than the others. She's usually pretty chilled when she's there. Yeah I totally understand her helping out when SIL is working, I honestly don't have an issue with that. It's the sunday night right through to the Friday that's my issue. I really don't get why she has to have her that amount of time when she only works 9 to 5. I do really appreciate the one night a week x

You get so much help from your MIL compared to many. You don’t work. Of course it is going to be different.

But maybe your SIL doesn’t get why you would need more than one night a week of childcare?

They have your niece so much more because both parents work. That’s it you are really being unreasonable here.

Am I reading correctly that your MIL works, has your SIL’s DD a vast amount of time and also has your daughter overnight every single week when you don’t work? She deserves a medal rather than being guilt tripped into doing more.

I do really appreciate the break. I'm not been ungrateful. I dont work no, I'm carer for my daughter, which can be hard work sometimes. This is not something I am complaining about At all x

She's helping your SIL with childcare because SIL needs help with childcare. Maybe she doesn't need as much help as she benefits from, but that's between them two.

She's having your DD over every week because she likes spending time with her.

Your DD isn't disadvantaged.

It sounds as though MIL is a loving gran. I think it's lovely that you have so much support for your DD who obviously feels safe and loved at her nan's.

Don't compare apples with oranges.

Sorry, re-read it. Because your SIL works - got it. Makes more sense. Even so, I think she’s an absolute gem for taking your daughter once a week. I really wouldn’t be giving her a hard time about having her more.

Your niece effectively lives with your MiL in the week and spends every day and night with her Monday to Friday?

If that's the case that's really not normal, that's not help, that actual being the main carer.

I think in this case its not about the grandkids it's about the parents. She is supporting her daughter more because for whatever reason her daughter needs support. You already have support from your partner who works so that you can be a sahp.

But she's at full time school other than you bringing in.lunch?

But what’s it to you really? They have their own agreement and you have yours?

I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly,
Does your SiL's DD sleep over at her Nans every night from Sunday until Thursday? Or is it just after school care? Your MiL sounds amazing with her dgc.

So you said neice sleeps over 6 nights per week, her mum works 5 days 9-5 so basically only sees her own 6yo DD 1 day per week despite only working during the day?? Something sound wrong there.

You also say you cant work as you are a carer for your DD but then say she is no different to the other children so the fact she has additional needs is not a factor. Again something isnt right here 🤔

Why are none of you looking after your own kids?

When you say “nights” do you mean night these kids are staying overnight?

Your MIL needs to tell you all to bugger off if she’s having 1 grandkid over night 6 nights a week and another with special needs 1 night a week.

I’ve genuinely never heard of someone requiring their child to sleep out over night 6x a week, so they can work a 9-5! What kind of p*ss take arrangement is that?!
I get the imbalance of support would upset you but id also say you are lucky op to get one night a week to yourself, some of us out here working 5 days a week and dc get sleepovers 2 or 3 times a year!

She doesn't require any more attention really than the others. She's usually pretty chilled when she's there.
I dont work no, I'm carer for my daughter, which can be hard work sometimes
Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks
So she does have extra needs then. Poor MIL and your DP must be knackered. Perhaps you get a job, your partner quits the second job.

Can you and partner not swap over the weekends so he can drop the second job?

He must be knackered

MIL has GC 6 nights a week during school holidays and a couple hours afterschool in term time, not permanent 6 nights a week.

Unequal treatment is always tricky, but it sounds like they do do a lot for you. The unequal treatment being down to the fact that you at a FTM and probably also that your child is harder work.

I don’t honestly think you have anything to complain about OP.

Also 70 hour weeks are going to do your partner in. Would it perhaps work better for you to take an evening or weekend job and have him do the childcare then? It would give you a change too.

As a mum of a child with daily complex epilepsy & learning difficulties I totally understand.. for 20 years I had no childcare from anyone on our family who were scared of the seizing or externally . I too had to give up a professional career to be a full time carer .. it was beyond exhausting, isolating and frightening. I ended up going to the social services children with disabilities team for support. It was hard to bite my tongue when mil brought up sils kids five days a week and they got weekends away and we got nothing. I totally get it .