Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

[Allthingsdreamy]

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

So you can't work because you are you're daughter's carer.

Yet a) she is at school 5 days per week and all you have to do is take her lunch

And

B) She is no more work than other children for your MIL, her additional needs are not an issue.

I don't think both can be true.

I think that either your daughter's additional needs mean that your MIL can only manage one night a week, or that she is not any more work than another child and you really need to get a job.

If yiu got a job perhaps you would get more support.

Also, 70 hours per week is too much for your husband. Could you at least get weekend / evening work and let him give up the second job?

Personally I think being a SAHM is alot harder than working a 9-5 job. I don't just drop the kids at school and then proceed to sit on my backside all day. Yes im lucky that i can do this, but it can also be draining and isolating at the same time. Partners shifts change every week, he does days and nights, so me getting a job just on a weekend or an evening wouldn't work. I've always worked also may I add.(last job was 6pm-10pm or midnight finish), never ever had childcare off MIL. I gave up working as it was too hard trying to find childcare for that time of the day if partner was also at work. Before that I worked two jobs, again no help from MIL. Me and partner agreed that for the time being I would stay at home. He has a good job so no need for me to work as we didnt need the momey. Daughter had alot of hospital appointments, we moved house so was alot further away from both schools, so it made sense for me to be there to do the 3 trips to school each day. Again I am not complaining and expecting MIL to have my daughter all the time. I did state that as she doesn't communicate very well she always gets dismissed when she expresses in her way that she wants to stay longer. Its at the point that we don't go at all (we used to go quite often) if neice is there as she sometimes wants to stay with her. They play very well and get on well. I asked last week if MIL could watch her for a few hours and when I went to collect her the other children had been to a local play area with their Auntie (same relation to my daughter too)and my daughter had been left at Nanas. I honestly dont think this is fair at all. If all children weren't able to go then surely it would be nicer to rearrange for another day?

You say that you can't work because you're a carer, but then also say that your daughter doesn't need more attention than the other children. That doesn't make sense?

Have you tried asking your own mom for help? Anecdotally I find that mothers are more likely to help their own daughters as they are closer. I ask my mom for help and only ask mil if mom can't do it. It's the same with my sil.

@ Appleblum -
You’re absolutely right about the mother/MIL dynamic. I don’t think the OP is reasonable in expecting her MIL to take on more caring needs when she’s already doing so much childcare. Also, as SIL’s daughter is two years older, presumably she put together the childcare arrangements with her own mother before her mother started having OP’s child one night a week. If I had a working daughter and a SAHM DIL, I would not be expecting to look after DIL’s children other than occasionally - and I assume MIL does doctor and dentist appointments for her daughter’s children because her daughter is at work. Sorry, OP, but I think YABU, and your MIL sounds as though she already does quite a lot for you.

I honestly don’t understand why she has to have her even one day when you don’t do anything, and she is at school all day? What are you doing with your time?

Basically your mil is raising the 6 yr old. She is more like her child than grandchild. Why would you want that?
you don't work, you have an overnight at mil’s once a week for your daughter. You’ve really got it made. That’s a lot of free time for you.
that poor woman must be knackered raised her own kids now raising her daughters and you want more time there too. Give her a break.

She has always had grandchildren 1 night per week. Her having SIL children, this came after I had to stop working as didn't have childcare. Also this isn't about me expecting her to have my daughter. I have already said I am grateful for the night I get each week. It is to do with her dismissing my daughter when she is showing signs of wanting to stay longer. Neice is able to ask outright to stay etc my daughter can't.

Read my comments properly. This is not what i am saying.

The staying over every night is during the school holidays not year round from how I read the OP!

It is tough when there is an obvious imbalance. So I do understand why you feel a little hurt for your daughter essentially being treated differently. I agree it was strange that the Auntie didn't take all the children, but perhaps she didn't feel like she could cope with an extra child or maybe couldn't afford it?

Are you saying you would like your daughter to stay with her cousin sometimes as they get on so well? You are very lucky to get help. Grandma sounds lovely.

Yeah I don't think it would hurt for daughter to stay longer. Obviously I dont expect this all the time. But the times when daughter is showing signs of wanting to stay then I don't see why she can't.

Well, it sounds like you don’t need to post on AIBU, you think you’re not. So that’s fine. Raise it with your mil and see if she agrees with you?
she might and then you could go back to work. If she doesn’t agree then it’s up to you if and what you decide to do about it. You could just avoid taking her to mil’s altogether and be low contact if you’re sure they are discriminating against her and it upsets you and your daughter.

OP I think probably even if you DD is showing signs for stay longer DGM has probably had enough she does A LOT of childcare year round.
adding another child might be too much do her and she takes your SAHM status to mean you need less day to day childcare as that is your Job.

I do get that it is unfair but it definitely is for a reason. And I am of the belief that it doesn’t always have to be fair as children require different things and have changing needs.

At the end of the day SIL is her daughter and unless you have a very close relationship with her or are in need it will be a bit different.
When you did need the childcare did you ask her and she said no? Or she just didn’t offer.

Do you think MIL resents that her DS works so much?

Yabu. Your mil sounds amazing. I'm sorry you struggling being a stay at home mum. It's harder working and being a mum at the same time, juggling everything and dropping alot. It's not a race to the bottom. Your mil is supporting your sil re childcare and views your staying at home as not needed any. Have a word with your mil but sounds like she is doing alot already and exhausted.

Not sure people are reading properly what ive said. Partners second job is when it suits us, if we have no other commitments that day then he will go to work for a few hours. His main job is shift work so can't be off on a weekend, it's all year round. It was a joint decision for me to not work. Hubby has a Very well paid job. I enjoy working so that was one of the main factors when I did work as I think it's important emotionally and mentally to have time out. I DONT NEED CHILDCARE AS I OBVIOUSLY DONT WORK. I am asking people's thoughts on the having both grandchildren when my daughter would like to stay and play. This does not have to be overnight. We live very close so literally walking distance for me to collect her when needed. SIL is very lazy. Works 9-5. Lots of times when MIL has offered to clean her house, help with washing etc. SIL picks and chooses what appointments she can and can't do with children (usually none) children have trouble with teeth where SIL hasn't took them for regular check ups as "she doesn't like dentists". I could go on and on and on about her lack of responsibilities and her putting heavy loads on MIL, but i won't. AGAIN, I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANY CHILDCARE. JUST FOR THEM TO INCLUDE MY DAUGHTER MORE OFTEN. JUST BECUASE SHE CANT BE VOCAL ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS DOES NOT MEAN SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND.

So you don't work, you get 6 hours a day to yourself and 1 night a week.
I hate to say it but you are coming across as lazy and entitled!
You are so so lucky!
My oldest is 8 and they have been with me every night since birth! Not one night off and I work 40hrs a week!

Surely from what you wrote in your last post, you can see why your MIL has her other granddaughter so much. If what you say is true, your SiL isn’t the best of mum’s so your MIL probably feels she has to step in and look after her daughter’s children more.

So, stop the jealousy, be happy your MIL is able to have your DD one night a week and acknowledge what a kind and caring person your MIL is.

Because its not up to her or you if she stays at someone else's home!!
Maybe your mil is pissed her son is working 70 hrs a week while you say you can't because you need to drop off lunch?
What's she having that can't be pack lunch?

What a silly post

Of course your SIL gets more help, she needs the help more as she is working

give your head a wobble

SIL is very lazy. Works 9-5

From the woman who doesn't work, all dc are in school and children are no issues?

Because she is a guest?

FFS I hope this is a joke as it baffles me someone on this planet genuinely thinks like this

also the audacity to call your SIL lazy when she works full time is just obscene

Your S.I.L works 9-5 five days per week, you don't work at all and you call her lazy?
To be honest op, I would be less than impressed if my son was working 70 hours per week while his wife tossed it off at home all day, making excuses why she couldn't work while at the same time expecting me to babysit.
Your M.I.L has the other grandchild because the parents work.
You could find work that fits around your daughter if you really wanted it, even if it's only a part time cleaning job.
Your M.I.L would probably be happy to help out with childcare then.

Look at it this way:

you are 60-70 y/o, you have two grandchildren.

You notice your DD is struggling to meet all child’s needs adequately, their teeth aren’t very well looked after, they’re missing appointments as your DD is being irresponsible.
She is struggling to keep her house clean or the GDs clothes clean. Whenever you see your DGD she looks a bit scruffy as mum isn’t on top of things.

Your DS also has a DD, his wife is a SAHM, her DDs needs are met, she always looks clean and tidy. Her mum has quit her job to ensure she can make her appointments, cooks and takes her lunch to school everyday.
While this DGD has additional needs she is able to attend school and enjoys spending time with her cousins and DGM. You have no worries about her at all.

You are retired/tired and don’t have the capacity to provide wraparound or extra care for two children.
In this situation which DGD needs more support, so they can have a better outcome in life?

Who said MIL had quit her job to look after children?

She literally does that, 9 til 5 then nothing. You sound like you work the same hours and are jealous that you can't sit at home all day tossing off. My day sometimes starts at 4.30am, I usually wont get sat back down until about 9pm. You can call me many things but lazy certainly isn't one of them. Maybe your lazy? Because you clearly havnt read my post properly.