Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

[Allthingsdreamy]

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

Op the more you post about your dd, the higher her needs sound. I don't blame your mil for not wanting to have her more. She must be really exhausted taking care of her other gc, and taking care of a child with extra needs is harder. It really isn't a comparable situation. She's providing one night a week of a child with extra needs- she deserves a medal not extra nights. If you are financially comfortable, your dp can choose his additional hours then why don't you get some help at home ?

Life isn't fair. That's the first lesson I was taught in life.

Yes, you get less support than your SIL. But in comparing, you're getting entitled. What you receive is still a lot more than many.

I find it surprising that the school won't warm up a homemade lunch for her? Id be focusing on that.

If your DD is non verbal, is there any chance that MIL doesn't feel able to look after her for longer? After all, your DD can't tell her if anything is wrong, has a very restricted diet, won't eat breakfast - I would have thought that looking after her for short periods of time would be enough for your MIL, just in case there is something wrong somewhere and DD can't tell her?

YES. No one wants to have a child stay who is crying. If MIL doesn't understand that this is her way of expressing that she wants to stay, that's your fault.

Also, there's a big difference between caring for a 4 year old and a 6 year old, even without accounting for the additional needs of your 4 year old. I don't buy that she's "chilled and easy" when you say you quit your job to be her carer and being a SAHM to her is harder than a 9-5. You can't have it both ways.

Being a SAHM cannot be harder than working 9-5. Working mums still have to do the same amount of cooking, cleaning and housework as a SAHM. Especially if your kids are in school and you don’t have them through the day. And you have 1 night a week childcare. That’s loads more than most people have!

Grandparents can’t win can they! If I was getting one day a week off I’d be over the moon. We get zero help and have to pay for all childcare.
Also, is it her daughter? If yes then she’s clearly going to be doing more for her own daughter. My in laws do a lot more for their daughter but we get zero help. They provided weekly childcare so she could go back to work but they do live a bit closer to them. She can’t afford childcare so they help and I totally respect that. My husband (her son) and I can afford childcare though but it would be great to have 1 day off every so often. The only time they helped was when I was in hospital giving birth to my youngest and we needed someone to stay with my eldest. Other than that they never help.

This

Make opportunities to get your DD together with family and cousins but with you hosting. That way the family cannot be worried they are "in charge", it's not affecting their existing responsibilities and your DD gets to play

You're comparing need and want.

The GP are meeting a NEED by providing childcare for your niece.

You WANT them to have your dd more, because your dd WANTS to stay more.

They already have her one night a week because they want to.

You really are being unreasonable to sdk them to do more, capacity is limited and need trumps want.

As for your comment about being a sahm being harder. Seriously? I do everything you do AND work 40+ hours a week, and I've been a SAHM - I was never flat out like I am now. But hey, you do three hours a day of school runs (after choosing to move) so it must be so much harder.

Give your head a wobble.

Oh and both my parents, and my MIL are dead and my FIL is disabled. No grandparents having mine one night a week...

Exactly her poor DH working 70 hours + you could go self employed as a cleaner to fit around school hours!

I think the suggestion of having your niece come to yours for a playdate is a good one as it would please your daughter, strengthen the friendship between the 2 girls and give your MIL a break!

So, why don't you explain to your MiL that your DD wants to stay longer with her grandmother and to play with her cousin? I'm not sure what you mean when you say your MiL dismisses your DD?

I've often wondered what SAHMs think working parents do when their working day has finished...Exactly the same as SAHMs but crammed into a few hours after working all day. Working parents are also full time parents, they've just got less time to themselves.

a 4 year old is more work than a 6 year old. Add in the special needs - it sounds as if your mil doesn’t have the stamina to have your child for longer (and maybe auntie was helping nana out by taking the other children out). Why don’t you have niece over at yours so that they can play together?
auntie took children to play area - your child gets 1:1 time with Nana.
you have told pils that your child would like more time with them - they have told you they cannot do that. Accept their boundaries- it is not like they are not having your child at all/ not seeing them…

The one person who deserves a break in all this is mother in law.

Have you explained to DGM that your DD is crying as she wants to stay and play a bit longer ?

could your neice not come and play at yours ?

my son is autistic could you explain to dd that crying isn’t working and explain how to ask to stay and practice it ?

Yes you are being unfair to your MIL. It’s her choice if she wants your daughter to stay & play LONGER with her cousin (as if the playing together they’ve done that day hasn’t been enough!). She isn’t being unfair or treating your daughter unfairly by not reading her signs to want to stay. Maybe she just wants an easier evening without your daughter being there.
it’s not up to you. It’s not up to your daughter - maybe start teaching her this. As she is in school she is able to learn, yes even with autism.

Or here’s an idea - INVITE YOUR NIECE OVER TO PLAY AT YOUR HOUSE.
then your daughter gets to play longer. You live within walking distance to your MIL so that would be an easy solution.
your a SAHM and you’ve stressed how much you do during the day so your house will be perfectly tidy with no household jobs left to do, so you’ll hardly be slaving away and can give your attention, as a hands on mum, to your daughter & niece.

Just be grateful your MIL spends quality time with your daughter. She has her plenty.

In your op you said you thought mil should spend more time with her and have her extra nights through holidays, now you’re saying it’s about time with her cousin.
i found being a sahm exhausting and thankless and my partner was resentful even though I did everything and his job meant I had no way of working. I understand the imbalance is rubbish but her situation with her own daughter is different and I would just be grateful you get a night off. Maybe mil is really overwhelmed and not saying and that’s why she doesn’t answer when your daughter wants to stay longer.

When is this happening though? If beige is only there a couple of hours after school? Mil prob thinking it’s too much to have your daughter there when she is going to have her overnight at weekend? Your op was about mil spending more time with her and now you’re getting annoyed with people’s reactions to that and changed it to being about cousin

Honestly op, you sound a bit selfish and are changing your story when this thread hasn't gone the way you hoped.

1. Relationship between mother and daughter is always going to be different to daughter in law.

2 you get a night off every week to go out with your husband. I pretty much know of no one with small kids who have that guaranteed each week. I certainly didn't when kids were small.

1. You are a sahm who's kids are in school. You have that bit of free time each day that your sil doesn't have if you need to get your hair done or meet someone for coffee.

Op. You could be in real danger here I'd biting the hand that feeds you . Be very careful if I was sil and got wind of the fact that you were giving out about my mom who had been supportive to you. I'd be giving you a very short shift .

Hi,

So you have 3 other children (you mention being a family of 6)? What was/is MIL's relationship with the others? You sound very lonely and stressed OP, if your only social time is 2 hours a week with your sister - is there no- one else in your family you can turn to? I wonder if that's really the issue? I agree MIL is spending a lot more time with your niece - but 6 year old are easier, and it sounds as though SIL has verbalise she needs help. Does MIL understand your DD wants to stay longer but can't communicate it? I do get your frustrated, but calling someone who works full time lazy was never going to help people to empathise with your situation.

I think you may have misread "be a sensible 1"'s scenario.

When she says "Her mum has quit her job to ensure she can make her appointments, cooks and takes her lunch to school everyday."... the "mum" in this sentence is the OP.

NOBODY is entitled to have their mother or mother-in-law look after their children.

Whatever she does for her other granddaughter is irrelevant. It's an arrangement between her and her own daughter due to their family's needs.

YOUR daughter is YOUR and your husband's responsibility.

Appreciate the support you do have, put the green-eyed-monster to bed and move on.

YABU. It is not unfair. The children are different and your MIL can do what she wants. Be grateful for the support you get and stop comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy.

You don't work and your MiL has your DD nevertheless one night a week. I think you are being unreasonable.

I think this is a much higher level of support than most people get. Have you also considered the impact on your MIL of having your DD more often? In what way would it help you if DD spend more time with MIL? If you cannot cope, contact social services and push for a social care assessment to get respite. Bit I don't think this is on your MIL. Sorry