Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

[Allthingsdreamy]

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

She won't eat cold food. She won't eat school dinners. She has sensory issues so will only have very limited food. Rarely eats breakfast (this os offered every day) if I dont take her dinner then she's going all day without anything to eat.

You're being very petulant.

I dont think you're coming across right when you're stating how a SAHM has a harder job that someone working 9-5, and that the 9-5 worker is lazy.

The 9-5 worker might wonder what you're doing in your free 30 hours per week to choose what you do with them, and also your 1 night a week you get off too.

I've been both a SAHM and a 9-5 worker. I'd be a SAHM 100 times over if I could, it was a breeze in comparison and I had so much flexibility on what I wanted to do and when. Whereas as a 9-5 worker I'd be chocker all day and then get home and now take on 50% of all the SAHM duties too until what time at night.

She hasn’t. You have.

i just think you need to try and put yourself in her shoes a bit.

Of the two of you SIL needs more help for a multitude of reasons. It’s not equal but I don’t think it’s unfair.
You can meet all of your DDs needs, SIL by your own admission cannot meet her DDs.

Either way cut your MIL some slack, she’s probably knackered.

My day sometimes starts at 4.30am, I usually wont get sat back down until about 9pm.
So you're expecting the grandparents to do this also? What horrendous tasks are you doing other than dropping off lunch in the school day that us lazy working parents aren't doing after work?

you don’t work 4:30-21:00 though

Your child goes to school

It is you that has plenty of time to toss off

No one said that. That posted said you had quit your job to look after your children.

OP, you sound in denial about how much more difficult it is to look after your daughter than a child without her additional needs. You say she’s ‘chilled’, but you also say you’re up in the early hours, presumably because of her, and that she eats a very restricted diet etc.

Yet you claim she is chilled

which is it?

high needs so of course you’re the most over worked person on earth

or super chilled and easy to look after

3 hours a day goes straight onto school runs and pick ups. We dont live local to the school where children can walk. We are a family of 6, so always washing, cooking and cleaning to be done. Daughter has lots of appointments for her needs also. We do swimming and other activities. Other children do boxing and football, dancing, youth club, etc Partner also does activites and things he enjoys outside of work. I gave my activities up so he could do his. Other than seeing my sister for 2 hours a week i dont really see anyone. Just becasue i am a SAHM does not make me lazy, which it sounds like you are insinuating. I am far from it. I am very hands on with my children. Again you clearly haven't read my comments. If you did you would see I am not expecting her to provide childcare. At the minute I am not looking for work. I don't need to work. Even when i have worked we used a nursery and paid for our childcare. We are financially comfortable. I am very capable of looking after my children. You are very much missing my ppoint. I have never expected MIL to to 'babysit'. I am asking am I wrong to think it's unfair that she doesn't let me daughter stay and play with her cousin.

She is fussy with food as in she will only eat certain things. All these things are very easily accessible in the local supermarket. MIL House is one of the places she is familiar with and very comfortable being at. This helps massively with her behaviour. If we were to go to my sisters house it's unfamiliar and therefore doesn't settle. During Covid MIL was in our 'bubble' so therefore grew a better relationship with her than she did with my Mum.

Everything you describe above is everything I do around my 40 hour per week job though. I think its the point where you say being a SAHM is harder that lost some people.

You get far, far more help from your in-laws then the vast majorly of people, particularly given that you don't work and therefore don't actually require childcare. I'd just be grateful for the help you're getting

Feels like most people are jumping to conclusions without properly reading my comments.I DO NOT EXPECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF HELP AS SIL. I DONT EXPECT ANY HELP WHAT SO EVER. I AM ASKING IS MY MIL RIGHT TO IGNORE MY CHILD WHEN SHE IS SHOWING SIGNS OF WANTING TO STAY A PLAY FOR A WHILE? IF I NEED CHILDCARE OF ANY HELP WITH ME DAUGHTER THEN I HAVE MY PARNTER WHO CAN HELP, MY SISTERS WHO CAN HELP.

I dont need help with my daughter. I don't ask them to have her one night a week, this has always been their choice to do this. Many times they havnt had her if she hasn't been sleeping very well. Which is understandable. You need to read my comments properly before commenting.

Hahhaaa never once have i said this. I am explaining my day, as some people (like yourself) are assuming I am demanding all this extra help from MiL. This is not the case at all. Read the comments before having an opinion.

This. The poor woman. It will be claimed she ‘enjoys’ doing it and is great for her to ‘spend time’ with her grandchildren when let’s be honest this is about free childcare.

If I were her I’d move further away and do the odd few days in the summer holidays and emergencies only.

I'm not complaining. I am explaing my day as others are insinuating that because I am a SAHM, that I don't do anything. I am also not asking for any help off MIL. Just wondering am I In the wrong to think she's been unfair to my daughter when she wants to play with cousin. Please read my other comments before you judge me.

You've posted in AIBU and the consensus is that yes you are. Don't ask for other people's options and then get angry when they give them.
I'd be interested in some clarification on whether your statement that your sister in laws kids stay over 6 nights a week is correct? So they only spend one night with their mother? Is this every single week? This seems like an absolutely insane situation.

Aw piss off. Read the comments instesd of assuming I want free childcare. I never ever ask for help withy children. Ever. Daughter stays over once a week because grandparents want to see her. NOT because I expect it. There's many times she hasn't stayed. This is not a problem.

How often is your DD asking her DGM if she can stay longer? It’s not really any different to you asking; the outcome for DGM is more childcare. Teach your child to stop asking, it’s rude.

YOUR MIL HOME IS NOT A PLAY CENTRE!!!
YOU AND YOUR DD DO NOT GET TO DECIDE WHO VISITS!!

Does the capitals help?

Im not angry at the comments, im annoyed and rightly upset that people think im expecting all this childcare from MIL, when this is not the case at all. Daughter cries to stay and play with niece but gets sent home upset. Im asking if i am wrong to be upset at this. Yes this is correct about the 5/6 nights a week through school holidays. Even had her each day at the weekend this week. I am giving a comparison as to the amount of time spent with each child. Yes I don't. No I don't expect the same amount, if any, childcare. Just for them to take my daughters feelings into Consideration at times.

Hahahaa it's also rude to have an opinion on something that you know nothing about. Read the comments first.

If I were you, I would definitely make it a priority to work on the lunch issue. Having to hand deliver food to the school every lunch time is completely unreasonable, no matter how much of a picky eater your daughter is. Unless you plan to do that all through her school career, she is going to have to learn to eat a packed lunch or school meal. Or have a big breakfast and maybe just a snack or go without until you collect her at 3pm.
Not having to do the lunchtime delivery, will free up a fair bit of time in the middle of the day, which you could spend doing whatever you wanted.

It’s still expecting more childcare, whether it’s you or your DD who asks