Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

[Allthingsdreamy]

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

You've posted in AIBU, you've given all the detail about you not working and SAHM being harder than 9-5, and so on and so on. People are entitled to an opinion, you don't happen to like their opinion. If you wanted to know about the 1 issue of your DD being able to stay longer why didn't you just post that? Why talk about lazy 9-5 and SAHM shenanigans?

I do see how through a four year olds eyes, it seems unfair, but then life isn't always fair. Maybe the six year old thinks it's unfair that in summer she hardly sees her mum and dad, while your DD gets to spend loads of time with her mum. This is how I would explain it to my DC.

This is something we are working on. I don't plan on doing this forever, but at the meantime it is what It is and fingers crossed she will start trying more foods soon.

Yes, she is right to ignore your daughter wanting to stay longer. The poor woman is already overloaded.

Your MIL is putting in boundaries on what dhe can manage and if that's only the one child, then yes, she has the right to not agree that your DD can stay longer. You look at it in terms of GC, MIL is looking at it in terms of helping her DD as best she can. Her having your DD one night a week is keeping the relationship going and when your DD is a bit older things might change. However if you need help then you should be asking more of your family.

Yes this is correct about the 5/6 nights a week through school holidays. Even had her each day at the weekend this week.

You don't want to get it, do you?
MIL is providing CHILDCARE so her dd and dh can WORK during the school holidays rather than spend a bloody fortune on holiday clubs.

I’m starting to see why your MIL might not want to help you out as much.

You sound seriously difficult.

Kids cry to stay all the time. They cry to stay at the park, they cry to stay at soft play, they cry to keep a stick.

It’s the adults job around them to teach that things end and it’s ok they can come again another time.

it is not an affront to you or your daughter that MIL says no.

Why don’t you arrange some play dates with her cousin at your house.
That way DD gets more play time with her cousin that she is wanting and MIL gets a break

You say you just want your child to be able to stay and play but an extra child to keep an eye on and look after is more effort and they must already be exhausted. If you daughter wants to play with her cousins why don’t you invite them round to yours one night a week? Then your daughter gets the play time you and she want for her and your PIL get a little respite.

Bingo! Excellent idea!

Poor mil. Looking after all her grandchildren and no one seems to appreciate her.
Id be advising her to go on holiday for a month and have a nice break.

am I wrong to think it's unfair that she doesn't let me daughter stay and play with her cousin.

Have you ever offered to take the cousin to your house to continue the play when your child has expressed a want to stay? Easily solved; offer to have the cousins at your house with you looking after them all; the kids get to continue to play, GP gets a break. win/win

Offer to take all the kids out? Play date? Park? anywhere? somewhere not at GP house.

I think you are confusing the issues of your daughter not getting to mix with family so much with your opinion of SIL/MILs relationship (which you are viewing almost completely transactionally).

You say the hard part of being a SAHM is being isolated, so why don't you stay at MILs with DD, so she can play with her cousin and you can chat to MIL, why are you dropping her off?

The following is not under your control:
-what MIL does for SIL
-that SIL doesn't appear to be coping with DD
-that your perceived needs re childcare are less than SILs
-that MIL doesn't want to have all the children all the time

Another solution would be that you offer to have your niece, to give MIL a break and allow the cousins to play together? Then MIL might have more capacity to have both girls and they will get more used to being together.

Your solution is to get angry at the bits you can't control, this isn't going to do anything but alienate you and your DD. Try looking at it from a different angle.

I think what you're not getting is that, from MIL's point of view, this isn't about treating one child better or different from the other, this isn't about bonding/quality time with a grandchild, this is just about helping out her daughter. It doesn't matter whether you think SIL deserves this help or not - she thinks she needs it and her mother is happy to help. You've said yourself that you don't need help, hence why your daughter doesn't stay there as often.

Yes and why not invite MIL over for dinner and a huge cup of tea to enjoy watching you play with them together ?

Exactly...because OP said it's not about childcare is it?! 😂

My MIL treats mine differently we don’t get the same care or childcare that my SIL does.

You say “I dont work no, I'm carer for my daughter, which can be hard work sometimes”, even though she is in school?
Then say “my daughter is really chilled and
really easy to look after”. Not adding up. Your MIL is amazing looking after your daughter overnight for one night a week .

Your not being unreasonable however having a now 16 and 21 year whom both are autistic with complex needs i have learned not to rely on family for help. It's sad but like me you need to find your tribe. Look for local parent support groups for those with children with needs. If your exhausted you can ask for a social care assessment which may fund enablers in the holidays and overnight to give you some respite. I totally get hubby working hard one wage etc but could he reduce a little to support you more?

OP you say the way your daughter expresses that she’d like to stay is to cry. A lot of people think a wailing child is over tired and ready to go home. Have you tried using your words to say that you believe she’s crying because she’d like to stay and is that possible?

I also find your statement that she’s chilled out and easy to cater to sits oddly with the fact you’ve had to quit work to support her additional needs?

It might be that your MIL favours the other child or gets on better with her daughter but it might also be that your child isn’t that easy and since you don’t need childcare (as you’ve said repeatedly) offering to have her stay longer isn’t a priority.

I AM ASKING IS MY MIL RIGHT TO IGNORE MY CHILD WHEN SHE IS SHOWING SIGNS OF WANTING TO STAY A PLAY FOR A WHILE?

Yes, your MiL is right. Ultimately, it is her house and time, and therefore up to her who she wants to stay over.
I will add, though, that when I was your DC age, I would also cry and sulk when I had to leave my grandparents, or my aunt's, etc (especially at my aunt's where my cousins were). Quite simply, I was having fun, and going home meant the boring stuff like dinner, then bath, and bed. Most children would choose to stay and to play with their cousins over the everyday mundane. The reality is though, my GPs could have let me stay for another half hour, or hour, and I would still have reacted the same when it was time to leave - it really didn't matter to me that I had already had the extra time, and an extended stay. Maybe your MiL just sees your DCs crying as something similar to that?

There are a few things going on here. Your MIL might be closer to her daughter than her son - very common. Her daughter works - you don't need as much childcare. Your child has additional needs which the MIL may find harder to deal with - this is upsetting but understandable. Overall, I would say (and I speak as someone who doesn't have anyone to help with my 3 kids as a working parent) that you are very lucky to have one night a week's help with MIL! Be grateful for what you have.

I think it’s fair enough if you don’t work, they are helping out with childcare

Most mothers would prioritise helping their working daughter over non working daughter in law. Maybe it does seem unfair when your dd is crying to stay longer (if she can’t communicate that why don’t you tell MIL this is what’s wrong?). But you contradict yourself saying you’re a carer so can’t work yet then say DD is no harder than other kids. If that’s the case why do you need to get paid as a carer? Maybe she deliberately doesn’t help you more as you’re getting paid to care for your daughter and her daughter is working up to 40hrs a week. There is a distinction and I think you and your partner guilt tripping MIL is very unfair, she does a lot already and maybe your MIL thinks it’s your mums turn to help too. Honestly one night off a week when you don’t work is really good and you’re being very unfair to your MIL.