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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL right treating grandchildren different?

136 replies

Allthingsdreamy · 26/02/2024 22:38

Me and my partner have a 4 year old daughter together, I also have other children from a previous relationship. I currently dont work. Daughter has addition needs. Partner works 12 hour shifts, days and nights ,with a second job. Not usual for him to work 70 hour weeks. SIL has two children, youngest 6 years old. MIL has 6 yo all through school holidays (she sleeps over 6 night's a week, they live local so not like they have to travel far to get neice to nanas on a morning etc) picks her up afterschool and has her for a couple hours until parents finish work. SIL works 9am til 5pm, Mon to Fri. MIL has my daughter one night a week. I feel like the level of support she gives couldn't be any different. My daughter is autistic so doesn't communicate her feelings very well. If we go to MIL and she wants to stay she will cry. MIL will dismiss this and so we will bring her home with us. Niece is able to ask to stay etc and they usually let her. She has never taken my daughter out (although grandad does, he is very good with her) never collected her from school. She does majority of doctors and dentist appointments with SIL kids also. My partner has told them last week that in comparison to the time spent with niece and nephew, they don't really spend much time with our daughter. Again this was dismissed. They said its because they work (I don't as I don't have no one to rely on for childcare, also have to take daughters lunch to school everyday as she won't have packed lunch or school dinner). The longest they've had my daughter is for 2 nights, three times (because niece was staying)AIBU to want them to spend more time with my daughter? Regardless if I work or not? I don't expect the same level of support, but I don't think it would hurt to have her even a extra night in school holidays.

OP posts:
Dragon3068 · 28/02/2024 17:47

I think yes its ok for you to be upset that your daughter doesn't get to stay and play with her cousin at their grandparents house. I also however understand why you feel the way you do about your sil and why your mil does so much for the grandchild. Your sil needs to buck up and parent better as her mother currently is definitely the main carer and the one raising her child. This is wrong and it puts a heavier burden on your mil.
Open a conversation up with your mil about all of this as quite frankly your daughter not being able to ask to stay longer is only a small bit of this problem. Your mil could end up literally raising that other grandchild unless your sil is forced to parent after work. Working 9-5 does not mean you can dump your parenting responsibilities on their grandma. Help is good but what your sil is doing is not just childcare but dumping her parental responsibilities on her mother and that's not on. Your mil is very likely knackered doing this but she will carry on untill her health fails her or her daughter bucks up. She can't ever treat her granddaughters the same while she has to do this.
So definitely be upset about how unfair this is as it is. Just make sure you direct it to the right place and where it firmly belongs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/02/2024 18:08

Dragon3068, OP has zero right to talk about mother in law's daughter to her. It's none of OP's business and could result in OP's child not having the time she does with her grandparents. I can't think of a quicker or more effective way than to bring about the end of a relationship or make it terribly strained.

The only thing that OP or her husband could do is perhaps mention that their daughter really enjoys her time with granny and cousins and there's no need - from OP's/husband's side - for daughter to rush off if granny would like her to stay.

Azandme · 28/02/2024 18:19

Dragon3068 · 28/02/2024 17:47

I think yes its ok for you to be upset that your daughter doesn't get to stay and play with her cousin at their grandparents house. I also however understand why you feel the way you do about your sil and why your mil does so much for the grandchild. Your sil needs to buck up and parent better as her mother currently is definitely the main carer and the one raising her child. This is wrong and it puts a heavier burden on your mil.
Open a conversation up with your mil about all of this as quite frankly your daughter not being able to ask to stay longer is only a small bit of this problem. Your mil could end up literally raising that other grandchild unless your sil is forced to parent after work. Working 9-5 does not mean you can dump your parenting responsibilities on their grandma. Help is good but what your sil is doing is not just childcare but dumping her parental responsibilities on her mother and that's not on. Your mil is very likely knackered doing this but she will carry on untill her health fails her or her daughter bucks up. She can't ever treat her granddaughters the same while she has to do this.
So definitely be upset about how unfair this is as it is. Just make sure you direct it to the right place and where it firmly belongs.

You didn't read it properly did you...

The SIL does parent after work. The MIL has the niece overnight in school holidays, not all the time.

BlondeAussie · 29/02/2024 11:08

Redmat · 27/02/2024 21:33

The one person who deserves a break in all this is mother in law.

Agree - and possibly the husband who works 70 hours per week...

nanamoo · 29/02/2024 11:29

Allthingsdreamy · 27/02/2024 09:10

3 hours a day goes straight onto school runs and pick ups. We dont live local to the school where children can walk. We are a family of 6, so always washing, cooking and cleaning to be done. Daughter has lots of appointments for her needs also. We do swimming and other activities. Other children do boxing and football, dancing, youth club, etc Partner also does activites and things he enjoys outside of work. I gave my activities up so he could do his. Other than seeing my sister for 2 hours a week i dont really see anyone. Just becasue i am a SAHM does not make me lazy, which it sounds like you are insinuating. I am far from it. I am very hands on with my children. Again you clearly haven't read my comments. If you did you would see I am not expecting her to provide childcare. At the minute I am not looking for work. I don't need to work. Even when i have worked we used a nursery and paid for our childcare. We are financially comfortable. I am very capable of looking after my children. You are very much missing my ppoint. I have never expected MIL to to 'babysit'. I am asking am I wrong to think it's unfair that she doesn't let me daughter stay and play with her cousin.

SIL is very lazy. Works 9-5. Lots of times when MIL has offered to clean her house, help with washing etc. SIL picks and chooses what appointments she can and can't do with children.

But you are happy to call your SIL lazy because she works and accepts the help that MIL OFFERS her. You sound jealous to me.

Violetsnapdrgon76 · 29/02/2024 15:58

I don't think one extra night when one grandchild is already at the house during the hols is too much...it's not that much extra effort to cook two meals etc, come on! There is no complex medical needs or medication. So what if SIL is working or not: grandchildren should be treated equally during jols. Yes, during the week 9-5, she understands her SIL needs help but 6 days a week during hols is a bit much! She is only asking one extra night. l don't think that is too much to ask, helps with socialising and sharing too!

lolacherricoke · 29/02/2024 19:04

Violetsnapdrgon76 · 29/02/2024 15:58

I don't think one extra night when one grandchild is already at the house during the hols is too much...it's not that much extra effort to cook two meals etc, come on! There is no complex medical needs or medication. So what if SIL is working or not: grandchildren should be treated equally during jols. Yes, during the week 9-5, she understands her SIL needs help but 6 days a week during hols is a bit much! She is only asking one extra night. l don't think that is too much to ask, helps with socialising and sharing too!

This is OP using a different name to defend herself?

The MIL has no obligation to look after any of these children and whether she chooses or not to have some children more than others dependent on what she believes their needs are is totally her prerogative!

OP should be offering to have all the children one day a week in the home to give her poor MIL (who is a saint) a break!!

If you have kids they are your responsibility! Not MILs

BeckiBoBecki · 02/03/2024 00:29

You're a Stay At Home Mom. They have her when you ask from what I gather......yeah. You're feeling rubbish because you're doing solo parenting due to your partner having to support that by working every hour God sends to provide for you and the kid you have that needs additional support.

I feel sorry for your partner - he must be exhausted.

PhoenixStarbeamer · 02/03/2024 01:32

Yabu you don't work and she does, it's completely different.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/03/2024 06:22

Sorry, but I can't believe your MIL has your daughter one night a week and you're complaining

Pheeeeebs · 02/03/2024 06:49

Yabu. You are a sahm. You are parenting your own child from a previous relationship anyway. Mil is helping her daughter by providing childcare, her son doesn’t need childcare, you are the sahp/childcare.

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