AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

Sorry but I agree with your friend. Her DH works 60 hours. My DH also a professional but more hours than that in a stressful role still chips in and cooks most of our meals even when I was a SAHM or part time and shares chores. He doesn't see it as helping me but being something he does because he lives here too.

Your friend is not his hand maiden. Even if you disagree why bother to insert yourself in their issue and just not say anything.

So glad I have a keeper.

your friend takes care of the children and does everything re house for 60 hours a week while your husband is at work. therefore she also has a 60 hour job. and yet her husband gets a break and she doesnt. your post sounds like youre putting her husband on a pedestal. just support your friend.

Was there any need for you to quote the already VERY long OP? Surely it’s obvious what post you’re responding to. It just means additional scrolling for everyone else

When I had newborn twins it took me considerably more then an hour a day.

In fact I'd go as far as if you have two pre-schoolers not at nursery which this lady apparently has then if you are only spending an hour a day meeting their needs then something is seriously wrong!

Hell, feeds alone take more than that with a baby.

@NoneedtoquotetheOP LOVE your username😆

Can I ask how ok earth you managed this? I find there's no time between feeding, toileting and naps to fit in anything expect maybe some reading if I'm lucky!

Some “friend” you have there who doesn’t respect your opinion unfortunately.
I would let her blow off steam for a week or two and hopefully she realises her mistake - after all it is your opinion, nothing wrong with that, certainly not worth throwing a whole friendship away for that much.

Perhaps she just had a bad day and will come round, so if you still want her as a friend, keep the door open for when she eventually comes round, good luck

Exactly, they’re accountable to themselves, and it’s entirely optional, no one is going to fire them or put them on a performance improvement plan if they don’t clean the bathroom or decide not to go to a toddler group.

I’ve seen plenty of feral kids, the bar is unbelievably low to have social services take your kids into care.

I always thought I was accountable to my kids. They don't stay kids. I put in a lot of time and effort. Now they are young adults they are very positive about their childhood home life and we're really close.

If I'd failed to educate them or meet their emotional needs or prepare them for the world, maybe they'd be holding me accountable for that now? One of mine always says she is surprised how many of her peers don't have good relationships with their parents.

I have seen parents put on 'performance improvement plans' by social services.

Eeeeek personally I disagree with you. Firstly, she’s your friend. You seem very black and white and ‘this is how things should be done. Fullstop!’ Most people don’t work like that. Empathy goes along way with friends.

When you were a STAM did you look after 2 preschool kids by yourself for 5 days straight for months/years on end..? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
If you and your partner alternated days when you were SAHP and didn’t do 5 days straight on your own and didn’t have 2 preschoolers, then you really cannot compare your experience with being a SAHP with her.

Regardless if you think you are right, I would never speak to a friend the way you did. You can disagree but do it respectfully.

I’m neither here nor there about the husband helping. And not sure why you are so on his side. Yer, he needs a bit of chill time after work. But when he walks in, help her pack away the kids mess and then both watch a movie together or something. Deep clean on the weekend. It’s not that complex of a situation. They are a team, relationships are not as black and white as you are making it out to be. Let her vent, give advise kindly but don’t attack her

Your friend is being ridiculous, on my days at home with the kids i’n quite happy to do everything needed if DH is working (in fact he’s worked away much of the time since they were a few weeks old) However if he’s home and I’m working that day then I do not expect to do anything (unless he’s ill) as I’m completely exhausted. If we’re both working that day we just do whatever needed to make life easier, take aways etc and if he’s away I just try and prep as much as can. I work in healthcare too but maybe if had less intense job I wouldn’t be so exhausted. If we’re both home (not wfh day) then I do expect 50/50

I think both YABU and YANBU.

Working a 60 hour week in a full-on job is probably more stressful than being a SAHP, but on the other hand ime some people get a buzz from work and being around adults while caring for 2 small children all day essentially alone may be wearing and draining.

But there are plenty of families where there isn't a parent at home and either both or the only parent work full-time in a stressful job and then come home and care for children and do chores. Having a job isn't some sort of "get out of family life free" card.

And there is something deeply unattractive about someone who thinks that they are above doing household chores and spending time with their children. Of course the parent at home will be doing the lion's share, but both partners should be willing to muck in with the grind at least some of the time. It is disrespectful to turn your partner into some sort of skivvy/unpaid nanny by essentially dumping everything on them and never facilitating them having a break. It is also destructive of the fabric of family life.

I'm a full time teacher working 60 hours a week and maternity leave was much easier. I love my job although it's tiring. I've got a cleaner who is worth her weight in gold and children who will put supermarket shopping away, strip their beds, empty the dishwasher etc. I just find it hard when they want to talk at 9.30pm about important stuff. My morning alarm goes off at 5.45 am and I'm at work by 7am, home 6.30pm often with the laptop out like tonight. By 9 I want my bed!

Tell your friend it's not a competition and it's OK to find it hard.

She’s in the period where being a sahm is probably hardest and probably just wanted a moan. Realistically she probably does need a break over the weekend and a chance to be herself without being responsible for small people. For what it’s worth I agree with you that being a GP is likely to be harder but sometimes you just have to remove the need to be ‘right’ and go for the sympathy and a cup of tea approach.

If she remains a sahm once they are in school then she’s laughing. They should also be looking at some pre-school for the older one asap.

If she needs a break they need to look at getting some childcare and maybe a cleaner, her DH will be exhausted enough as it is, perhaps suggest this once she’s talking to you again

It’s easier in terms of workload, harder in that nobody gives you credit/ thanks, you’re the whipping post if things don’t go smoothly, you have to listen to the world tell you how lucky you are and act like you can be at their beck and call, you can’t get in on conversations with your friends about work because you feel you can’t get in on it, you don’t have your own money. Oh and you can’t be tired because ‘what did you really do all day?’

I just don’t get this thing on here about how hard kids are. Maybe I was lucky, but I simply didn’t find it difficult or a chore or exhausting,

you seldom see working parents going god I spent all evening with my kids, or all day sat. Fuck me it was such a chore and I’m exhausted.

yet it’s all I read from sahp. How hard it is, how exhausting, how much of a chore. Like they are down the mines or something,

I was a sahm with DS. Very easy. One parent, one child, he slept? I got a break. One child making mess, one child to entertain, one child for me to fuss over, and take out etc.

Roll forward to DTwins. One slept. One was awake. Simultaneous instant best friends and nemesis's. Two children. One parent. Two lots of mess. One was hungry when the other needed the loo. One child wants to bake, one wants to build a den. Try to leave the house? "Mummy I need a wee."...."Mummy I need a wee too, I go first"..."I want to sit in the front"..."Push me on the swing"..."No, push me!". Ohhhh, the squabbles. And if the noise, mess, arguments, continual food prep, clothes changing, "I want a drink"..."I want the loo"..."I don't want Paw Patrol"..."I want Paw Patrol!" was driving me crazy, could I even take 5 minutes to myself to feel less like I wanted to scream? No. Relentless.

I'd happily take a full time week of employment over that. Not with how it was with one child though, that was a doddle. With just DS it wasn't 50% easier, it was 100% easier.

However. What I would say, with DTwins is, yes they had days where they drove me fucking crazy, but I did do all the housework pretty easily each day. Not cleaning as such, you can't clean properly with harmful products with two preschoolers running round, but laundry was easy, sorting household admin, renewing car insurance that sort of thing, making shopping lists, I also managed to list a lot of their things on eBay/FB for sale.

Your friend certainly doesn't have it easy at the moment. Imagine if someone forced you to sit on a sofa for seven hours, with two TVs playing different programmes right next to each other. And you weren't allowed to take a 5 minute break from it. Is that "easier" than full time work?

I personally find my paid job a lot more interesting, but at the same time easier, than when I was a SAHP. Fair play to all the SAHP's with young children - I couldn't do it. It's non-stop pretty much (unless you are a shit parent and plonk them infront of screens all day).

I agree with all of this.

That's a shame really. I had babies that rarely slept during the day, three preschoolers at one stage, and loved every minute of it. Yes, it was full on but I loved it. I get that some people find it harder and no criticism of them, it was definitely full on, but I really feel I made the most of it.

On the other hand, working 60 hours a week is no kind of life really. I do acknowledge that when I was home full time with young kids, there was no room for me outside being a mother and that was a reprieve DH got at work. He got to be someone outside being a parent and recognition. I enjoyed the time with my kids but, if he had to work 60 hours a week, I'd think something needs to change.

I expect she's just bored and fed up - having 2 toddlers at home is relentless and monotonous. But yes I do agree with your opinion.

They are equally as difficult but cannot be comparable.
I was a SAHP and my partner worked long shifts and was physically and mentally tired at the end of the day so got fed up when I asked for help with DC or to do small jobs.
Meanwhile I was stuck indoors and parenting is relentless 24/7.

You sound like you value your friend's husband far more than your friend.

You also clearly have set ideas about just how easy being a stay at home parent is.

For me, it was. My child was a breeze. An even tempered angel that never once had a supermarket meltdown, slept through from six weeks and ate most things without complaint. I did the domestic load because I'd have been bored otherwise. I also knew when I went to work everything would be equally shared and I knew that if I didn't have all that spare capacity to do everything around the house, my DH would have stepped in without hesitation.

Not everyone has it so easy. My DS went back to working part time for a rest because she found it so much easier than being a SAHP to two much less laid back kids.

Your friend clearly is finding it an exhausting challenge and needs her husband to do his share. He is also the kids parent.

You seem to think it's fine for him to only have to put in 60 hours a week, but you expect your friend to never have down time. Why do you expect her to do more hours than him? Why do you place less value on her work of raising the next generation than on his job as a doctor? Why does he need down time to relax but she shouldn't have any? It's clearly inferred in your post that you see her role as lesser.

That's a you problem and it's no wonder your friend is angry with you.

@TheOriginalEmu please don't quote the OP. It is unnecessary and just makes threads ridiculously long for scrolling.