AIBU for telling my friend that being a SAHP and working full time are both equally difficult?

[AnitaLovesIndianFood]

sorry, this is a long post

So my best friend won’t talk to me for days now.

Basically she had an argument with her DH about division of labour in the house. She said that she expects her husband to also do housework when he comes home from his 60 hour a week job as a GP. He says that he is too tired and needs to rest when he is home, but she says “I work 24 hours as a SAHP, so should you”.

She then vented to me and asked my opinion. I personally believe that being a SAHP isn’t as hard as people say it is. BEFORE people jump down my throat, this is my own personal opinion based on personal experience. Both my husband and I had our turns being stay at home parents with both of our children. When one of us was staying home, we made sure that the one working outside the house had to do minimal work in the house. Both of us agreed that having the ability to stay at home and watch our children grow up with a privilege rather than a burden. Again, that’s just our opinion.

Anyway, back to my friend. When she first had kids, she dictated to her husband that she was going to stay at home while he works, even though I remember him asking they could divide the home and work duties so that they both get equal time with the kids. She didn’t agree, and I remember her telling me that she finds a man who wants to be at home unattractive.

Fast forward to now. When she asked me if I think her husband is being unreasonable by not helping in the house when he comes home, I said that I agree with her husband. I’ve seen how hard my local GP works; countless 10 minute appointments one after the other, making potentially life changing decisions in each of them. I can only imagine how exhausted my friend’s husband is. Of course he needs to switch his mind off after such a mentally taxing work.

I then politely reminded her of how she chose this, she refused to accept an arrangement with her husband in which childcare is shared, so now she needs to live with her decision. I again asked her how she would feel if her husband was to reduce his hours to part-time, and she started working part time again so that they could both equally split the home duties.

She then refused to talk to me, said that I was disrespecting all stay at home parents and that I’m a disgrace to women. She said that as a mum myself I should appreciate how difficult being a SAHP is. She basically wanted me to agree that her role is more difficult than his, even though she happily accepts the lifestyle associated with being married to a high earner.

Now she won’t talk to me until I be a good friend and take her side. I don’t know what to do, I’m risking throwing away a friendship I’ve had my whole life, but I fundamentally do not agree with her and I’ve never been someone to just agree for the sake of harmony.

What would you do? What can I do to make her forgive me without compromising my stance?

Having been a SAHP and worked ful time: once they’re both at school, and provided there’s no additional needs, I’d agree with you.

2 pre-schoolers with a spouse who works 12 hour days…. Well, that’s a different kettle of fish. And I absolutely would expect him to chip in a bit with something on weekdays.

In terms of your friend, I’m on the fence. Because I do think that in general he should be chipping in. But she told him not to and actively didn’t want him to! Perhaps she should have been careful what she wished for!

I was a sahm and DH worked full time. Not GP level stress by any means, but out of the house at least 10- 11 hours most days. Apart from the newborn plus toddler time when DH had no choice but to help with housework and childcare, I did pretty much all the household stuff and cooking. I considered it my job, so I do agree with you there OP.

However I would’ve gone mental if DH came home from work and wanted to be left in peace and didn’t help with the bath and bedtime routine. He wasn’t home every night before bedtime, but he enjoyed that time with the kids, and I liked having that break when I cleaned the kitchen and he settled them for bed. Bedtime was done by 7.30.

So it very much depends - is your friend expecting her DH to clean the house for an hour every night after bathing the kids, in which case I don’t blame the DH for complaining about that?
Or is he wanting to be left completely alone, no interaction with kids at all, and she’s just wanting him to help out with bedtime routine and maybe load the dishwasher occasionally, which I’d be unimpressed no matter what his job is!

This is the ages of your kids you have an 8 month year old. My Son at this age did not sleep through for me. You also have a toddler. I imagine keeping a tidy house and cooking is tiring alone!

Being a gp would be intense. Nothing really compares to being a sahm of babies and toddlers if they don’t sleep and there is never a single day you think I can get some sleep. Once they sleep, I’d expect housework mostly done by the evening, except perhaps tidying as that can be pointless. She’d get a cup of tea during the day, a slow stroll to the park, possibly nap time, certainly a little downtime.
i think with the context that he wanted to spend some time at home and that he helps weekends, his stance is fair enough. I also think a single gp would have to clean up after themselves but I guess they could do most of that on the weekend. I would be thinking that if you two split up no one will say oh no dear you shouldn’t have to get a job.

Because you’re home. I am talking about when both people work full time. I still do all the housework a stay at home parent does. And I still parent!

I get both their points of view

depending on how easy or difficult the children are being a SAHM is blooming exhausting and boring!!!!

but getting back from a hard days work to clean is no ideal either!!!

they should DEFINITELY get a cleaner! Problem solved!

And? Who died and made you the boss of how people post?

She is being ridiculously dramatic. But you should have had the EQ not to be so unsympathetic when she is struggling. Whether or not a SAHP or a GP has a more difficult job is really irrelevant here. You could have steered the conversation to what she is struggling with, so you could help her find a solution.

Also don’t make the assumption that her experience is similar to yours. It depends on the children, how much sleep she gets, how much housework is required and whether or not she gets any help. I’m sure if she was given space to calm down, she would’ve realised that it’s ridiculous comparison.

Everyone’s kids are different and each parent is different , therefor some may find being a SAHP much harder.

If Mum has been at home and done walking nights, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her DH to take over for an hour or two each evening. This way she will get time alone or doing something for herself. He also gets time to bond with the kids. He can always cover a good chunk of the cleaning and gardening through employing help.

To she’s rigid, yet in your OP you say that she is asking that things change. That doesn’t seem rigid.

There is a huge middle ground in between: ‘she has it easy and he’s the hardest worker ever’ and ‘being a SAHP is harder than anything and he should do half of everything’. If she was my friend I’d be suggesting ways for them to compromise so everyone is getting some down time and some help.
I have very little time for the ‘he works all week so he shouldn’t do anything’ idea as that’s just a cop out. Single parents so it all the time out of necessity.

He likely works 8-8, gets home after the kids are in bed and doesn’t want to start doing laundry or cleaning or whatever. He contributes at the weekend. I wouldn’t expect to be doing anything much after a 12 hour day if my husband was a stay at home parent, especially if it was at his insistence.

I’ve a baby, a toddler and a fuck ton of farm animals, and this is way easier than my work. Which I do admittedly miss desperately. You can do as much or as little as you want when you’re at home. I personally find it boring and unchallenging, though I do enjoy their company.

Preschool age but at home full time is completely different to school age and older. She will be unable to do even the basics of living without having to first think about their needs, where they are, what they're doing. Then when she's done her day's work parenting she also has to look after them until they sleep and get up for resettling at night.

It's unrelated to how much you enjoy it.

At this age of their lives, this is so much harder than doing an out of the house paid job where it ends.

I think not to take into account their ages makes you a crap friend. I'd be hurt too.

Sounds like you're not making the most of their company at all. How on earth do you find it boring watching them develop and discover the world for the first time?

.Why don’t they use childcare if she is feeling overwhelmed?

^ no way would I ship my babies out to some random because my husband couldn't be arsed doing his fair share.

If he works 12 hours and then has ‘a few hours’ to himself every day that effectively leaves her doing everything 5 days a week. That’s not fair. When does he see his children in those 5 days??

Whats hardest is being a working parent.

I voted YANBU because being a SAHP isn’t like a job because you don’t have to be accountable to anyone or hit certain standards/targets or have a manager breathing down your neck, yes it can be tough at times but you could literally sit in your PJs all day in front of the TV if you liked and order a takeaway for tea if you’re having an off day, and it doesn’t take anywhere near 40 hours a week to clean the house and do the washing and prepare meals.

There are so many variables that's it's hard to compare. Some love being a sahp and find it easier being at home, some find it easier being at work. Also depends on the age, number and temperament of kids and what your job is. I don't think one is easier than other.

What I don't think is fair is regardless of what job is, is that men's need to rest and unwind and relax is taken priority of a mums. Sahp also need downtime and to rest and relax. I'm of the opinion, that outside of working hours, housework and childcare is split as evenly as possible. It's unreasonable for anyone to think they can sack off the responsibility of housework and childcare just because they work and assume one parent will do it all.

I'd like to think most SAHP feel accountable to themselves and the rest of society for the job they're doing.

You'd end up with feral kids if you were a SAHP watching telly in a dressing gown all day.

What on earth do people do as a sahp that takes them all day? Sure if you endlessly do housework but is there any need?

I was one for a year and everything was done in probably an hour a day

Did you ignore your child for the day or something then?

Your childcare provider doesn't just sit the kids in a corner all day (well at least I'd hope not!)

Why does it have to be a competition? I've done both.

I find working easier because I get lunch breaks, quiet toilet stops, adults don't need me to watch them every second of the day in case they get into trouble, I get praise and pats on the back instead of being invisible to society, I get paid.

I find being a SAHP easier because I march to the beat of my own drum when it comes to what I do when (in general), if I'm having a rough day and perform less well, no-one cares as long as the kids have their needs met.

Instead, why don't we just value each other's contribution to the relationship? I do think a husband should help out with evening routines. After all, his wife has been on her feet all day too. In our case, my DH always did the dishwasher because he works on his backside and was glad to be up on his feet for a bit.

Play, read books, take them for walks, socialise them, take them to museums, forest walks, crafts, cooking, music, teach them - and then try to find time for housework. Did you not entertain or educate your children? I'm sure you didn't just leave them to their own devices all day.

Exactly.