To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

I don’t think anyone should do something to their body they don’t want to. Surely condoms will suffice?

You seriously cannot have even engaged with the thread, if you’re suggesting condoms.

Condoms are very far from fail-safe, which means 100% of the risk falls to the OP!

I've forgotten the worst bit of it all - he actually got as far as phoning the sexual health clinic to speak to them about it. We were fast tracked for it because clinically I really should not get pregnant again, so we were told to phone a few weeks after my last birth to discuss it.

The sexual health doctor suggested to him that I get the Mirena coil as an alternative to the vasectomy. She said that on the phone to him. He was basically handed a get out of jail free card in that moment. I felt really let down.

That’s appalling @DontForgetWhereYouCameFrom

You need to read the thread because it was established early on that the consequences of another pregnancy are serious for OP and condoms are not reliable enough, and put the bulk of the risk back onto her.

@DontForgetWhereYouCameFrom fucking hell! But what if you had said no to the coil?

Honestly you’re a lot more understanding than I am! DH hasn’t had the snip yet as I’m not sure if I’d like another kid yet but I don’t think I’ll be giving him a choice when the time comes. The snip or no sex. I’m not willing to risk an unplanned pregnancy and a termination.

The more I read this thread the more Koreas 4B movement makes sense to me. Never ever would I be sacrificing my health to further the lineage of below bare minimum effort men which sadly a great number of them.

Yeah. Massive sulk. Good idea

Er. Yes she is.

Er. No. She asked if he'd think about it, he wouldn't even do that.

Spot the male posters. Cannot believe some of these posts. I hope they're male anyway; otherwise the level of internalised misogyny is truly terrifying. Op yanbu. Your DH is being a selfish prick. But then, that's what men do best imo.

Not sure you do get it.

yes, his body, his choice not to have one
her choice not to have sex

both fine. No need to shout.

I’d argue that he is. He knows the potentially serious consequences of another pregnancy for his wife, and that his refusal to even consider a vasectomy forces her to consider the only two options left to her - hormonal birth control or tubal ligation. Given that she doesn’t want either - and with good reason - they’re at stalemate.

Spot the male posters.

Indeed

But - once again - the pathetic male posters are continually shown up by all the good, decent, caring men (and there are a lot of them) - who willingly go for vasectomies.

That’s really embarrassing for the sub-standard men.

And, of course, for the poor women who have to defend the sub-standard specimens.

@SlumberDearMaid yep, I've enjoyed sharing some of these posts with my husband today, reiterates to me I've got one of the good ones!

@artpkvea - nothing like coming onto MN to make you appreciate the hell out of your own DH!

I didn't want to use condoms.

XH didn't want to use condoms.

But I didn't want the pill or coil.

He didn't want the snip.

So condoms was the only option available if we were to continue with our sex life. We got used to them very quickly.

Both of us respected the other enough to not push them to do something, like have surgery or hormones, we knew they didn't want to do.

Yeah I've been holding off but my bra just spontaneously combusted

Hear fucking hear

@Globules you can try and kid yourself that you've come to some kind of reasonable compromise, but ultimately your husband has won here, he gets to carry on having sex risk free just with some loss of sensation, you're the one at risk of pregnancy and the medical intervention that comes with that, and given the rates of success of condoms especially if used incorrectly, is not what I'd call within the realms of low risk. I'm sorry your DH doesn't value you more, but please don't try and gaslight other women just because your DH has successfully done it to you.

The snip isn’t ‘surgery’. It’s a minutes-long procedure, under local anesthetic.

Luckily there are lots of men that don’t need to be ‘pushed’ into anything. They willingly do it.

What the actual @artpkvea ?!

Two human beings have had a conversation where neither thinks it's reasonable to try to cajole and push the other into doing something they don't want to do.

XH reason for not wanting the snip being the 3 children we're aware of being born after the snip.

I find it extremely reasonable to not make another human being so something they don't want to do.

I find it shocking that so many women on this thread think it's ok to do so.

Btw: bingo on the use of the word gaslight. At me as well. Wow. Just wow.

I'm astounded. You're dangerous.

After 3 live births, and a difficult long labour which ended in emergency Seciton- my husband said I had been through enough and that is was HIS TURN to go through a minute amount of comparative discomfort- and take one for the team.

THAT is what any man with an ounce of love and respect would propose without being asked.

Oh yes. As said, some men. Not real, caring, loving, intelligent men, fortunately. I wouldn't continue to be married to a Neanderthal.

@Globules but your situation isn't in anyway relatable to the OP's? She has said how risky pregnancy is for her, her husband hasn't even attempted to engage in a a reasonable discussion. I haven't said anything about forcing anyone to do anything, as you well know but it's the only way you can try to undermine the argument. I think if you love someone you do the right thing for them because you WANT to, not because you have to be forced. I think it is pathetic that a man has such a simple, and relatively low risk, means to protect his wife against what can be a high risk (emotionally, financially, physically) thing, but he chooses not to, just because. But yes sure, I'm the dangerous one....