To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

A decent husband would do his bit.

ALL the middle aged men we know in our family and friendship group have had it done. It’s basically the day surgery equivalent of having a tooth out so fuck him if that’s too much of a sacrifice for your marriage.

His response would be a divorce level conversation for me. What fucking disrespect and disloyalty. I’m sorry for the swearing - I’m angry for you op, after all you’ve gone through… 😠

If the OP refused to have sex with him I think he’d have a rethink pretty quickly. If he resorted to cheating then he’s pretty much proved he’s an all round arsehole hasn’t he ? Condoms are not reliable and - as evidenced by the fact that OP asked him about a vasectomy in the first place - there are potentially serious consequences to OP getting pregnant again. She’s had multiple surgeries and interventions, and has fibroids - potentially rules out laparoscopic sterilisation so the alternative to his vasectomy is either OP resorting to hormone based birth control or submitting to yet more surgery. Personally if I was with someone who demonstrated such a lack of empathy and shut down the conversation with no discussion, I’d be rethinking the relationship and dumping him as a viable solution. No man, no problem.

The only people I’m ‘bullying (LOL) are the shitty sub-standard partners of some of you, whom I’ll never have the misfortune to meet.

And they’re all blithely unaware of it, cowering as they are in the corner, too afraid to have a minor procedure that so many men are perfectly willing to have.

ALL the middle aged men we know in our family and friendship group have had it done. It’s basically the day surgery equivalent of having a tooth out so fuck him if that’s too much of a sacrifice for your marriage.

Yes, and yes - to all of this.

Why.
The.
Fuck.
Should.
She?

There’s higher risk and less success with female sterilisation. It’s a much more serious procedure for women. My GP surgery does vasectomies, however.

His body, his choice, sure. But I’d have fuck all respect for a man who’s witnessed his partner go through so much and still expects her to be responsible for preventing pregnancy. 🖕🏻Especially as I’ve never met a man who hasn’t claimed to despise using condoms.

By refusing to even discuss it that's essentially what's happening.....

The OP’s husband is!!

And this is the crux of the matter isn’t it ? The decisions to have children, and to have IVF have presumably been mutual ones. OP has been through hell as a result, but his fertility trumps the distress she would suffer as a result of any further pregnancy, so he makes a unilateral decision not to ‘put himself through that’. I’m flabbergasted that so many women are supporting him.

Honestly some men are selfish twits.

My own brother refused to get one after my SIL gave birth to two babies who had additional needs or health issues.

So my poor SIL had to get sterilised.

My brother is an utter sod and I'm ashamed of him.

I've missed 28 pages of discussion about this but OP if you're still reading I totally sympathise with you.

DH said the same, he refuses to consider it. He's worried about something 'going wrong' and apparently he 'knows someone' it happened to... 🙄

So it's back on me. Always, always on me. Who cares about the risks and the inconvenience to me, as long as he isn't putting himself at risk or inconvenience.

It's a source of lingering resentment for me to be honest. I don't bring it up and we don't discuss it any more but he knows how I feel and that I'm absolutely furious and disappointed at his selfishness.

@DontForgetWhereYouCameFrom out of interest, and sorry for being nosy, but is he just happy using condoms? Or does that mean you have to stay on hormonal contraception?

After child no.3 I had one. Like many third children she was a bit of a, welcome, surprise.

Like the OP my DW didn’t enjoy a healthy or trouble free pregnancy. A 4th would have brought more problems - some lasting.

So 25+ years of either a coil, cap, condoms, pills or abstinence didn’t appeal.

Had the snip. Took doctors advice and didn’t rush back to work. Bed rest/afternoon on settee. No problems - itched for a bit as pubes grew back!

According to doctor those who had problems were generally those who rushed back to work/played football the next day etc.

Treading on a lego brick in bare feet is far more painful.

I think some men worry whether it’ll all work as before. I was later asked by a colleague, on learning that I’d had the snip, asked ‘How is your performance, is it ok?’

They all seem to know someone with complications don't they? Which, statistically, is staggeringly unlikely.

This is a personal question, and clearly you don’t have to answer…. But how do you even have sex with someone like this? Surely it kills the love and intimacy. And surely it kills the really crucial factor in mutually satisfying, long-term relationships - actually liking him. Once the ‘like’ goes, a relationship is really in trouble.

He wouldn't want to use condoms. In all honesty neither would I. They've never featured in our sex life since the very very early days.

I now have a Mirena coil fitted which I do like and has been good, so I'm not complaining about that necessarily. It's the lack of responsibility he is willing to take. The lack of tiny risk, the lack of inconvenience, small amount of pain, etc. Whereas women experience it repeatedly throughout their fertile/sexual lives and it's just expected. Makes me sad.

Thanks for sharing your direct experience @Todayzname - that’s what it’s been like for DH and all his friends, and my friends’ DHs.

Spot on. He knows she’s exhausted. He knows she’s worried about the consequences of another pregnancy and he knows she wants and needs a permanent, reliable form of birth control. He just doesn’t want to facilitate it and he’s hoping that by shutting down the conversation she’ll take responsibility for it herself. Shitty way to treat your life partner.

This is an excuse. He knows someone it happened to, and that’s enough for him to put the consequences to himself above any concern for you. It’s beyond selfish.

It certainly hasn't helped our sex life, I'll put it that way.

DH has a strong selfish streak in many aspects of his life, and it does lead to resentment. Although I was shocked and disappointed by his reaction to the suggestion of a vasectomy, it does fit with his general approach to the world.

He's not a monster - far from it - but he is self centred.

It’s absolutely mind-boggling that actual women are MORE horrified by a man having a simple, minutes-long procedure under local anaesthetic - than by a woman spending her entire life dealing with -

menstruation
contraception
the ongoing risk of pregnancy
risks from being pregnant (usually multiple times)
complications from pregnancy
childbirth (often multiple times)
breastfeeding
more years of monthly menstruation
peri-menopause
menopause

And then not even getting into issues like endometriosis, collapsed prolapse, piles and the multitude other physical and emotion issues we deal with, as part of being the child-bearing sex.

I just cannot get my head around it.

What did you mean by *they’re shown up not by the likes of me berating them for their stance.” Ghastly behaviour. If someone berated me because they thought I should be sterilised I’d LTB.

Who is doing this ? Apart from OP’s husband who has adopted a bullying attitude by refusing to even discuss it ?

I mean YOUR sub-standard men are not shown up not by me giving them a hard time on here (they have no idea what I’m even saying).

They’re shown up by all the good men who willingly go and get vasectomies every day.

Not sure what’s confusing?

Maybe read the quote ?

I just cannot get my head around it.

I strongly suspect they have husbands who have refused, or they know would refuse if discussed, and they are in denial as to what that means about him, their relationship and how their husband values them, so they are deflecting.

🎯