To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

He opts out of any risk, so you have to opt in. Condoms are far from fail-safe, so if you do get pregnant, the risk load falls entirely to you.

You can call that a ‘compromise’ if you like, but it isn’t one.

As I said, many men don’t need to be ‘pushed’? They willingly do it.

How is this relevant to the OP ?

The OP isn’t trying to make her DH do something he doesn’t want to do. She asked him to consider having a vasectomy. He dismissed it out of hand. He’s watched her go through hell with multiple pregnancies and miscarriages, and they have a child with a birth defect. He knows the potentially serious consequences should she get pregnant again and he knows how much intervention she’s had, including surgery and hormone treatments. And yet he’s left her with those as her only options - hormone based contraception or sterilisation surgery. Condoms are not a viable option because they’re not 100% reliable and OP understandably doesn’t want to take the risk. So exactly who do you think is making who do something they don’t want to do here ?

You don't know if my situation was relatable to the OPs.

I agree the discussion needs to be had, but you are one of many condemning the man for not having the snip. He may decide to when the discussion is had, he may not.

I'm not trying to undermine any argument. I've not read your very many posts to the level of depth you seem to expect. I wasn't trying to have an argument. I'm shocked that you would call my experience gaslighting. It's dangerous.

I think you'll find you're the one using that aggressive language of fighting.

you can try and kid yourself that you've come to some kind of reasonable compromise, but ultimately your husband has won here, he gets....within the realms of low risk. I'm sorry your DH doesn't value you more, but please don't try and gaslight other women just because your DH has successfully done it to you.

Honestly, the mental gymnastics deployed by women stuck with sub-standard men is incredible.

It’s men who won’t have vasectomies forcing women into doing something they don’t want to do, and taking the full risk load - over and over again.

How can people - women! - not see this……?

For the record, I do know full well why women don’t see it.

They can’t see it.

If they did, they’d be forced to recognise they’re stuck with sub-standard men, who won’t prioritise their needs at all.

@Globules I do think it's gaslighting, "manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality" he has convinced you that his emotional wellbeing is more important than yours, opting for condoms kept you at a higher risk of pregnancy.

In what world does it make sense that a woman remains at a high risk of pregnancy because the man won't undergo a freely available, quick, low risk procedure? Why do we value women so little that this is an acceptable argument being made on this thread?

You don't know if my situation was relatable to the OPs.

It’s not relatable because, among other things, you are advocating the use of condoms when the OP has already made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t consider them reliable enough to stop a pregnancy which could potentially be harmful. By refusing to even discuss a vasectomy her husband is the one forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do - to rely on hormone based contraception or have more surgery. You’re resorting to mental yoga stretches to avoid acknowledging that.

The risk isn't zero, that's the point. I've said earlier my husband had it done and no problems at all, my colleague had it done and was in agonising pain for months, had surgery to try and correct the problem. I don't know if it was ever resolved. I'd hate to be the wife who'd guilt tripped him into having the op and then had to live with the consequences just as much as I'd hate to be the husband who guilt tripped his wife into having a baby/sterilisation/boob job or anything else that then resulted in her living in pain for the rest of her life.

Just because it wasn't an issue for my husband or many husbands referred to on here doesn't mean it is always OK.

I find it truly shocking that some men are prepared to put their partners through difficult, painful, often body and mind damaging preganancies and births, and often terrible loss and massive damage to, again, both body and mind- now THAT is really dangerous! Selfish b***ds!

So much love and respect for men who are prepared to step up when their turn comes. And without being asked.

Look ladies, we can all agree that no method of contraception is 100% effective, eh @Rosscameasdoody

A vasectomy is not 100%. Like I've said twice, our decision to not have XH have a vasectomy was very clearly coloured by the 3 humans we knew that had been born to others post vasectomy.

Condoms are not 100% effective. But this is the route we chose. It was preferable to us.

My emotional wellbeing was far far happier with using condoms than trying to force XH to have a procedure he did not want to have.

Please don't keep trying to claim gaslighting @artpkvea . You're wrong. The 3 wonderful children we knew who had been born after a vasectomy meant I felt XH having a vasectomy was a pointless exercise. I was in full agreement with his decision.

And his decision it was. His body, his choice.

I had two horrific pregnancies, two planned C-sections and two recoveries. My hormones postnatally were completely out of whack. My H volunteered for a vasectomy and off he went. Took 15 minutes. He rested for a day. No complications.

Because he saw the value of what I’d endured so he could have his two children, and said I’d done more than enough and it was his turn to step up.

He’s not a fucking superhero, just a decent man and a fair partner.

Some of the replies on here are just mindblowingly bleak.

@banananas1999

a person doesn’t need to procreate for their life to have meaning. Just FYI Hun.

A vasectomy has an overall failure rate of 0.15%. Follow up tests ensure all sperm has left the semen. It’s designed to work completely and permanently. Condoms typically have a failure rate of 12%. So no, no method of contraception is 100% effective but your choice of condoms as more effective than vasectomy isn’t borne out by the figures.

This! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

And we've even descended to cries of " Misandry!" Who let the MRAs in?

Of course the risk isn’t zero - nobody’s claiming it is.

But women deal with risk from the minute we start to menstruate.

Risk is a daily part of our reproductive lives.

Yet the minute SOME (sub-standard) men face any sort of risk, no matter how low, they baulk.

Sorry - zero sympathy.

These are very different figures to earlier in the thread.

I can't find the relevant post now as I need to sleep, but a quick Google shows condoms being 98% effective, vasectomy 99% effective.

Real life experience made the 1% difference irrelevant to us. 3 babies born post vasectomy easily swung things into the condoms favour for us.

Real life experience made the 1% irrelevant to us. 3 babies born post vasectomy swings things into the condoms favour.

That’s a complete failure of logic.

Babies are born as a result of condom failure all the time. You just don’t happen to know them personally.

Your DH is just lucky that you are - once again - willing to take on 100% of the risk load, while he - once again - takes none.

Not at all.

Why have a vasectomy when we can see the evidence of how it isn't 100% effective?

There may or may not have been babies born with the use of a condom we didn't know about.

Having had a discussion about birth control as a married couple, and deciding on how we would take things forward, condoms were our conclusion as neither of us wanted to interfere with our bodies. The risk load, as you put it, between the 2 methods...too miniscule to even worry about. I'd have got pregnant if I was going to get pregnant. Condoms, vasectomy, 1% difference... Potaaaato, potarrrto in our book. And like I've previously said, no method is 100% effective bar no sex.

I didn't view it as chivalry or him doing the right thing by getting a vasectomy. I listened to his reasons for not wanting one, just as he listened to mine.

I believe in body autonomy. He had every right to say what he wanted, just like I did. He had every right to be heard, just like I did. It's what reasonable adults do.

I wonder how your colleague and all the whining men on here would feel if not having the snip caused another living being to grow in their abdomens that reconfigured their internal organs, made them swell up and gave them fatigue, diabetes, piles and incontinence, and could only be removed by painfully expelling it through their genitals - which had to be stitched up afterwards - or via a surgeon's cut through all the walls and muscles of their pelvis?

If the choice were that or a weekend with sore balls, I wonder what they'd choose?

(Pardon my evil cackle here)

And yet you’re using a method of contraception that neither of you actually want to use (as per your original post).

And there’s no way you can argue that condoms make for better and more enjoyable sex, than no condoms.

Either way, it’s your look out, and you’ve obviously been convinced you’re on to a good thing.

Sigh. Tell me you didn’t read the whole comment without telling me you didn’t read the whole comment.

The entire point of my comment is that this discussion is not about “his body, his choice” or her abstaining from sex ultimately. It’s about what he said to her and how much it hurt her after all the pain she’s been through. We’re not fucking idiots. We know it’s his choice. I said so several times. But he doesn’t have the right to belittle what OP’s been through by saying, “I wouldn’t put myself through that,” without the consequence that OP feels hurt and their relationship is affected. Stop relying on this being as simple as repeating “his body, his choice” again and again and a-bloody-gain because about 100 people already did it before you.

What he said doesn’t belittle what she went through. It doesn’t mention it. It’s just a form of “no”.

By not mentioned it @brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I would say he discounts it completely, implies that she hasnt been through anything, or that she should accept that she bears all the physical cost, makes the sacrifice.

Womens labour & sacrifice is so often discounted compared to that of men. Can this inequality be avoided? Should this be discussed before agreeing to bear children?

HIS BODY, HIS CHOICE.