To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Imagine being smug about marrying a man who had already refused to ever use condoms or get a vasectomy but presumably expected the relationship to involve penetrative sex. How convenient for him!

Did he also make it clear that he doesn't like changing nappies or cleaning the bathroom? If not he's missed a trick!

Haha no

Same but youngest born two years ago. DH is a very fit fifty something.

And if it was? Plenty in age gap relationships.

What’s he going to do if he wants sex and doesn’t like condoms, then? I think I’d be really upset with him after all you’ve been through.

I can't believe the people suggesting the one at threat is more responsible for prevention. What shitty sad marriages you must be in. I had two pregnancies and two surgeries to carry OUR children for me and my husband, I would not think much of him if he then turned round and said that contraception is more my business because I stand to be harmed. MY harm is OUR business. Because we're married.

Personally if it was that much trouble for me I would have a procedure myself to prevent any future recurrences. If not, try condoms or other birth control. The women saying to just not bother having sex with him, yeah great advice then in a few months or years there'll be another post wondering why they've split up/ he's cheated!

You're not going against the grain at all you're saying what loads have said. Totally missing the point that although it is ultimately his choice, he refused to even discuss it and phrased his refusal in an extremely insensitive and thoughtless way.

The only sensible advice I can offer you, OP is just to talk to your husband about it again.
He said something insensitive but it might not betray a total lack of empathy and respect - just poor judgement in the moment.

We have 3 children and our youngest was born by harrowing c section. I have asked my husband to consider the snip and he declined. The first time I found his response to be dismissive and disrespectful. Like you, I felt totally stunned by it and later I felt angry.

Later still, I asked him for a proper explanation. He gave it. I didn’t agree with it but I accepted it.

Another year has passed and he has been researching it more and more - as a result of it being a topic in men’s health that we have discussed and which genuinely interests him now. He is reconsidering his position.

You say he is generally a great guy so just talk about it again. A lot of issues can be resolved by talking to your partner. Nothing will be resolved by seething and posting it on here.

I’m so sorry to hear about everything you have been through.Xxx

There are ways to ensure no pregnancy. This is very extreme and closes off all options for him forever. I do not think this is a fair thing to ask him to do

like playing chess with a pigeon. Sooner or later it will shit on the board and strut around as though it won anyway
that's even better than the 'dont wrestle with a pig' thing😆

Personally if it was that much trouble for me I would have a procedure myself to prevent any future recurrences.

It's not as simple as that though is it, once you get to that stage you've exposed a fundamental problem in the relationship that, for women with standards, would be hard to just move on from.

Sorry I’m probably a bit sensitive today and was unnecessarily grumpy. You’re absolutely right and I totally get where she’s coming from. I’ve refused to go on hormonal contraceptives ever again after trying sooo many, as they make my mood insane (either furious or super low) as well as a myriad of other side effects.

I hope, as she says he is usually a good man, that he realises that the conversation meant more to her. He felt this was a discussion about his body - really, for her, it was a discussion about her body and wanting someone to share the burden.

sometimes, even just someone wanting to hear you is enough.

It really doesn't.

Is he meant to feel what OP feels? They are different people and OP's experiences, as painful as they are, were not felt the same way by him.

Yes he can afford to not feel done as it is his choice after all.

OP feels done, so she can either have a chat to convince him, say no to sex, use condoms or chuck him.

She has choices too.

OP says he's a good husband, but how many posts have been on here about good husbands who "didn't have it in them" to blindside women by asking for a divorce/having an affair/fathering another child.

This may well be him letting OP know they're not on the same page and he still wants more kids or at least the option to.

Doesn't take away from her experience, he just has a different one which hasn't made him want to have a vasectomy, or at least not yet.

Like I said, he could have handled it better, as any loving husband should.

Hopefully they can come to an understanding that both feel happy with. Otherwise resentment will set in from either.

i really wouldn’t describe any of the birth control choices offered to women as good. All we can actually state as fact is that for most women, the available birth control choices are less risky than being pregnant.

men complain about vasectomy risk or male birth control risk because in comparison their risk is zero. Women are presented with multiple risky options and expected to accept that there is no alternative.

For couples done procreating, there is an alternative.

Disappointing to wake up to lots more posts exhibiting shocking levels of interposed misogyny, forced into excusing sub-standard men.

Reassuring though, to see that the vote stands at a strong 83% saying you’re not being unreasonable!

Most thinking people know it’s the least a man can do. Most decent men recognise the right CHOICE for both his body and his partner’s, which is great.

Men not taking responsibly birth control is more than just "his choice". He is choosing your suffering. That isn't love. It isn't a marriage.

Indeed, @artpkvea. I hope Mr OP has calmed down and is getting his head round this reality now.

I just asked my OH what his response would be if asked him. I told him everything you’ve been through and his immediate answer was Absolutely yes. Your OH is being really shitty, especially as he immediately tried to shut down the question without even a discussion.

What’s really embarrassing, of course, for these shitty, sub-standard men, is that they’re shown up not by the likes of me berating them for their stance.

But by so many of their actual fellow men, who willingly step up and do what’s right.

I think anyone who bullies another human being into being sterilised is a horror. Disgusting

This

Where has this happened? Show me even one example.

Imagine if a man was pressurising a woman to do this

The entire POINT is that decent men WANT to do it.

Who’s bullying?!?

I think anyone who bullies another human being into being sterilised is a horror. Disgusting

This is like stating water is wet. Duh.