To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

I don’t think she could have chosen a more insulting or demeaning term.

@banananas1999 is indeed a younger second wife and is projecting madly. Possibly very aware that a man who's traded in one wife for a younger model is in danger of doing it again.

Thanks for the information on female sterilisation. I hadn't realised that it might affect urinary continence etc. Far easier for him to have the snip. I once worked with a guy who took the afternoon off to have a vasectomy and was back at work the same say and didn't pretend that he was in agony. He was a lovely, lovely man. He and his wife had tried for a second baby and ended up with twins and were struggling with three children under the age of four. He said it was easier for him to do it than for his wife to have to worry every month. There are decent men who love their wives out there.

Sorry... Are you saying I made up an experience I had over 20 years ago via a private provider?

Are you Actually. Fucking. Kidding?

Selfish bastard.

No glove, no love then.

MAP if the condom ever breaks.

Ain't no way I'd be letting a man who won't have a vasectomy after what his wife/partner had been through, shag me and shoot inside me without a condom.

It's worked for me for years and years, and I'm young(ish - old enough to still get pregant). Never got pregnant. Done properly they are far more successful than other forms of birth control, and I'd never force my partner do something to their body they didn't want. I don't own him, he's not a cat.

I wouldn't go through another pregnancy in that situation though, I'd have an abortion, but I understand not everyone would choose that route.

As people have said repeatedly in this thread, IVF is there to make live healthy babies, not pregnancy. Many patients come to IVF with a history of their pregnancies ending in miscarriage when for some reason their body doesn’t distinguish between viable and unviable embryos. IVF helps identify the viable embryos so that, hopefully, further miscarriages are avoided.

It’s obviously a risk in this case as the OP has alluded to.

Just tell him that if he will not put himself through a minor procedure you hope he understands that sex is off the cards. After all surely he can understand not wanting to put yourself through another miscarriage or traumatic birth. Both things you have very much experienced. A vasectomy is a minor discomfort. My dp had one couple years ago. Few paracetamol for a couple days that was it.

He is a selfish arse! My dh is all booked in to have his done. I was very keen on the idea but it was him who took the initiative. He respects me and understands it's his turn to take one for the team after I carried and gave birth to his children.

Pregnancy and giving birth is filled with dangers and complications. 25% of women died before modern medicine. A snip is easy and trouble free. It's a 20 minute day procedure and paracetemol for a week keeps the pain at bay.

He's being a selfish prick.

Suggest he looks up Lysistrata.

I agree. If @banananas1999 's name is an indication of her birthdate and she's a woman who's had a child with a man twice her age... All I'll say is that I have a lovely, fit, healthy, up-for-travelling and enjoying life SIL in her 60s who married a man 22 years older than her. He's in his mid 80s, very deaf, quite severely incontinent and clearly suffering cognitive decline, but otherwise surprisingly fit and healthy. My SIL is a trouper and never says anything negative about him. But when she heard of a friend's daughter going out with a much older man she insisted on meeting the daughter and having a private chat about her life as a carer for an elderly husband.

*Sorry... Are you saying I made up an experience I had over 20 years ago via a private provider?

Are you Actually. Fucking. Kidding?*

But pp is right, you went private?

This. Words matter.

Pregnancy and giving birth is filled with dangers and complications. 25% of women died before modern medicine
Sadly I think this is one of the things that makes it easier for men to regard women as disposable, convenience appliances which produce babies and then can be forgotten about.

Yes, my inference from what he said is that he regards himself as the important one who must not be violated in any way, where as she is just the thing that makes babies and does not matter.
It's a bit "well she's already shot to pieces so who cares if she's takes a few more hits, no one's touching my precious body".

I don’t think it was meant to be funny. Unfortunately it accurately reflects the view of some on this thread.

Hi @Mumsgotaheadache01 I’m so sorry for your baby losses. Heartbreaking for your family and still very recent and raw, which is why your DH might be struggling with the idea of having a vasectomy right now.

You need to both discuss this obviously but perhaps in the first instance, you could look at getting some grief therapy that you can both attend together.

I think for now, using condoms or abstaining until you’re able to come to an agreement about the future, might be worthwhile.

And what’s the betting that, sex being off the cards, he’ll find himself another woman and it will all be OP’s fault.

If this were the case he would have found a better way to put it than ‘I’m not putting myself through that’. And given the number of miscarriages OP has had, as well as a child with a birth defect, it doesn’t bode well for future pregnancies, or her long term health, so if anything he should be willing to do whatever’s necessary to spare her any more trauma.

Surely this is the kind of topic you discuss at length before starting a sexual relationship with someone? Me and my partner did, i knew from before we got serious enough to have sex that he hated condoms, and never wanted a vasectomy. I too, hate the idea of condoms, and was very happily on the implant for PCOS treatment, so would want to be on it regardless so was happy to use it as our sole form of contraception. I will continue to be the one using female hormonal contraception until menopause, and i made that informed decision before we had sex.
Honestly can't believe people get as far as being married before they have this discussion!

Honestly can't believe people get as far as being married before they have this discussion!

Honestly can't believe you went ahead with the wedding. I wouldn't be so smug, what a catch.

This is completely untrue btw. Contraception is a very useful tool to balance abnormal hormones in many women

So in the view of "his body his choice" it absolutely is, so if I were you OP I would just be completely taking sex of the table.

If he isn't willing to do one thing when your body has been through so much then abstinence is the only solution.

I'm going against the grain here but his body his choice. We can not decide that women should have choice and then get all worked up when a man chooses differently to what we would. Having said that I really do feel for the OP it is a shit situation to be in.

I’m sorry to hear you have had such an awful time. I don’t think you were unreasonable in what you asked. My DH unfortunately always felt the same way about having the snip but I had to respect it was his choice to say he didn’t want it. Hope you can come to an agreement that you’re both happy with