To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

You’re not looking hard enough - the thread is peppered with them.

His body. His choice. He might feel differently in time. Why don’t you get your tubes tied or use a Dutch cap or something?

No, it's not obvious that another pregnancy would put OP at risk. She's not had an above expected number of miscarriages, and she hasn't said what her child's condition is.

Then surely the more so she should be keen to have the operation, what happens if ops husband has the proceduee,will become depressed as he already inagines he will be,will suffer from erectile dysfunction (also a side effect), sex will be out of the window and relationship falls apart:

I say this with kindness as you have been through a lot and it sounds like you’ve had a dreadful time but your level of suffering doesn’t reduce your dh’s autonomy on some kind of sliding scale. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy so you need to leave that idea behind and work through remaining options

This isn't a good idea. He knows what you've been through.
He doesn't need you labouring the point home by being condescending.
If he doesn't want to, that's up to him as much as it was up to you to keep trying for a baby despite what you went through. Like PP said, if he remarried for whatever reason, he might still want more kids. Has he ever asked you to have your tubes tied?

i think op needs to pull some big girl pants on,unlike losses and heartbreak, this is an operation with purpose for what she wants for herself,to avoid future heartbreak. If she dosent see it that way then perhaps she has subcouncious doubts that she wanta to keep options, she and husband kight not be together in 5 years ttime,he has still decades ahead of him to have more kids

And that’s only a few. Every single one of these comments completely dismisses what the OP has been through, her distress at the thought of yet another unsuccessful pregnancy, another child with a birth defect, or more surgery in the form of a tubal ligation - which is major surgery in case you’re in any doubt. Every single one of them puts his fertility above her needs.

Obviously children are like wills. One should always make a copy and store it away from the original.

I hope you'll be this pleased if your DHs trades you in and has more in his 60s.

Google: How long is recovery from laparoscopic tubal ligation?
You can usually recover from sterilization within a couple of days.

NHS: It is a minor surgical procedure performed under a general anaesthetic, which provides permanent contraception by blocking the fallopian tubes.

What is OP going to do if she ever needs any of the fibroids removed,or an appendix etc- all operations in the same area with same recovery time. Does she want to make sure her husband dosent even change his mind and think of having more children with someone else?

If he no longer loves his wife, yes.

This doesn't appear to be the case here

Given the context of the original post, this is not really funny.

This. 100%. His feelings about his fertility trump her physical and psychological health — and he won't even discuss it.

It's not supposed to be funny in the slightest.

Uh... It might have escaped your notice but almost everything to do with women's reproductive systems & invasive procedures get covered by 'might be uncomfortable'.

Look at the shit we have to endure just for a smear, cranking open our vag like someone is going to climb in there!

Coil insertion? Removal?

Shit, I once had an abortion at 12wks with no anesthesia cos I couldn't afford that bit extra!

The kid gloves men get treated with is hilarious in comparison.

he could only downgrade in that case, husband is in 50s and youngest was born last year

My DH also won't have a vasectomy. He's concerned about increased levels of prostate cancer... Yes I have pointed out the pill etc comes with increased chances of other cancers. My insides are screwed from giving birth and the aftermath, I found condoms uncomfortable so I'm now on hormonal contraception, and I'm a moody bitch a lot of the time. 🤷

have you been watching too many tiktok videos- no one in the uk pays extra for anythin,definitely not for anasthesia. It would be done under general anasthesia,walk in and out same day with no bill.

I understand why you're concerned, but also it's his body, his decision.

Have you thought about maybe trying cycle tracking apps. The chances of getting pregnant are even lower when you don't have sex very often.

I hope 1999 is not you DOB.

I'd say suggesting it could well have been shocking to him. Sadly a lot of men will see the issues we suffer through childbirth, fertility etc as "women's stuff/ our choice if we have kids/I can't help it if your body does x,y z etc"
In this case it's his choice, use a condom, or no penetrative sex. He might change his mind if it becomes 'his' problem.

Oh the sad cliched comment of "you don't understand it until you have children".

Of course most peoples' children are an important part of their life but that doesn't mean people without any have inferior lives. Nor does it or should it mean that grandchildren should be an expectation

Not everyone is suitable for a laparoscopic procedure. After what the OP has been through there will likely be scar tissue in the area - and she has fibroids, so that option is likely impossible, leaving open surgery as potentially the only solution for her. Laparoscopic surgery may be considered minor but open tubal ligation is not. And if the OP needs future surgery that’s unavoidable, that’s completely different from putting herself through major surgery for sterilisation if she doesn’t need to. And any kind of tubal ligation increases the risk of ovarian cancer, bladder incontinence and prolapse. And when it fails it presents as ectopic pregnancy or spontaneous abortion, and accounts for 12% of all ectopic pregnancies. So much more risk than that of vasectomy, and potentially a source of more distress to the OP after what she’s been through already.

And why do you keep banging on about him having more children with someone else ? Are you a second wife - projecting ? Or is the expectation of, and planning for failure really your outlook on life ? If so, it’s depressing.

I’d like to know what she means by ‘downgrade’ to be honest.

If you look upthread, I think it’s clear why the OP doesn’t want to trust condoms.

So you are expected to take the risks and feeling the impact already in your moods. Is it worth it?

A man who leaves one woman for a younger woman can always 'upgrade' as you see it again...

My DH also won't have a vasectomy. He's concerned about increased levels of prostate cancer... Yes I have pointed out the pill etc comes with increased chances of other cancers. My insides are screwed from giving birth and the aftermath, I found condoms uncomfortable so I'm now on hormonal contraception, and I'm a moody bitch a lot of the time

My DH getting the snip has been life changing. I spent my late teens-mid 30s a slave to my hormones. I suffered terribly with PMT, I had a copper coil for the majority of that time which I thought was the smart thing as non hormonal. I just assumed I struggled with my own hormones. I've had the coil out for 6 months now and my life has frankly changed. Turns out coils can cause an inflammatory response which in itself causes changes in hormones. With no contraception I have short, light periods, I have almost no PMT, for the first time in my adult life. I am the happiest I have ever been.

Please don't sell yourself short. Men not taking responsibly birth control is more than just "his choice". He is choosing your suffering. That isn't love. It isn't a marriage. Women should not be forced to live like this and it's awful to see how many women here are condoning it.

Not read the whole thread.

A surprising number of men, consciously or subconsciously see their virility as a a sort of trump card in their back pocket.

They may have absolutely no inclination whatsoever around having more children with anyone, let alone going off with another woman who might want children, but they know that for a lot of women being with a man who could have children theoretically is a major pulling factor.

Not having had a vascetomy is for some men the sole and only (deluded in my opinion!) pulling factor they think they have in their favour and they will battle to maintain that. I actually don't think its about the pain (other than in the most superficial way) - if you gave them a straight choice of being ££££££ in debt for the next 18 years to raise a child or having a vascetomy I think a lot of them would undergo the pain of the vascetomy if they thought it would not damage their pulling power with the opposite sex.

People are assuming the OP has had IVF because of difficulty in conceiving in when in fact it’s more likely to have been because of the inability of her body to naturally select viable embryos - she’s had four miscarriages and has an only child with a birth defect. The potential risk of any future pregnancy includes further miscarriage or birth defects in the event of live birth. Would you really want to risk all that to a tracking app ?

You have been through so much I'm so sorry.
His response was selfish and thoughtless.
Not because he doesn't have the right to not want a vasectomy - he has that right.
But to frame it in terms of physical distress to himself, rather than eg "it's a big permanent decision and I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to no further children ever without more thought" is really hurtful, given how much you've been through physically.

I had a partner once who definitely didn't want more kids. He was under all kinds of stupid misconceptions about vasectomies because he had never properly researched it. It made me so angry because women aren't given the choice to live with such ignorance about reproductive health and choices. A different situation but illustrative of the different mental AND physical loads men and women bear on this front.