To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Well seeing as the only way she can get pregnant is from a man’s sperm, and it’s her body her choice, she can just tell him she no longer consents to him putting his sperm in her body. No need for her to discuss any further, right?

Tell me you’re a man without telling me you’re a man.

This is completely untrue btw. Contraception is a very useful tool to balance abnormal hormones in many women

I'd be very interested to know your credentials for dismissing that point so entirely. The history of hormonal contraception is complex and political.

Im child free by choice and i was refused sterilisation in my mid/late twenties back in the 90s. Im 51 this year and on the mini pill but really want to stop taking it. (ive been on the Pill Norplant (the first implant) then nothing for years then Depo Provera then nothing for few more years, now the mini pill No periods last year at all only three light bleeds the year before , been on mini pill since Oct 2021 (waited for period to start but it never came so just started taking it) partner has orgasm but doesnt ejaculate hes 67 and diabetic and i wonder what the chances are of pregnancy in this situation. Ive seen doctors write in womens magazines its best to take contraception until 55 so another four and a bit years of this. Bloody 55 FFS

Ive seen doctors write in womens magazines its best to take contraception until 55 so another four and a bit years of this. Bloody 55 FFS

I thought it was safe to stop contraception after you've had 12 continuous months of no periods.

The average age of menopause is 51-53 (?) so hopefully you'll not have to take contraception til 55.

While I agree with his body, his choice, my H had one and it took less than an hour all in (paid privately as covid times), I took our baby and toddler to the playground next door while it happened. He walked out himself and we headed home for lunch.

My labours weren't complicated but a vasectomy is a walk in the park in comparison. Also things that can go wrong are minimal to the risk of a chronic birth injury.

I find the importance some men put on their virility after their family is 'done' baffling. Do they think less of women post menopause too?

i was refused sterilisation in my mid/late twenties back in the 90s. Im 51 this year and on the mini pill but really want to stop taking

You'd also imagine they'd be much more likely to sterilise you now, how long the waiting list would be though ..

I think most people would assume that the decision to have a child is a mutual one within a long term relationship. The decision to engage in IVF to ensure live birth would also have been a mutual one, but only one partner would have to endure all of the procedures that entails. The woman shoulders all the burden of that, to have a child that both of them want. I don’t think it’s unreasonable therefore, having been through all of that and having endured considerable trauma as a result, for the OP to expect her DH to step up and at least engage in a discussion with a view to making another mutual decision about what form of permanent birth control is most suitable - given that it is she who would again shoulder the burden if she were to become pregnant again.

I also note the implication that 'many women' are disordered when it comes to their hormones so much so they need the pill to, what, make them normal?

You’re not going against the grain. There are dozens of responses saying literally the same thing “his body, his choice”. Happily he is not being forced to do anything with his body against his will, so this sloganeering is irrelevant.

Okay down kitty! Looking at the voting at the top I would say yes while a few people have said what I said MOST have not. You can put away your claws now.

I find the importance some men put on their virility after their family is 'done' baffling. Do they think less of women post menopause too?

If some of the views expressed on this thread are anything to go by, it’s because they consider their partners to be entirely replaceable at will.

In theory this is a great idea, in reality I fear most men and people would just roll their eyes to be honest. It also will come across as you trying to pressure him to have an operation on his body that he has said he doesn’t want.

He shouldn’t be forced to have this because you have chosen to do things that hurt your body. It’s not tit for tat.

If you don’t want to risk having sex with condoms only then you’re just at a stale mate. You should be working together not trying to guilt him or ultimatum him into having an operation. Either one of you must change your mind of your own accord, or you just don’t have penetrative sex going forward.

for what it’s worth though what he said was thoughtless. But I’d bet he literally hasn’t thought what your body has been through. Men don’t have the same procedures we have so they just can’t understand the trauma.

"Pregnancy and giving birth is filled with dangers and complications. 25% of women died before modern medicine. A snip is easy and trouble free"

For many men, it is trouble free but there's literally multiple posters in this thread saying their partners have had long term complications from the snip so it is not always "trouble free"

This post reeks of misandry because many births are trouble free but you're not missing the risks from it for women who have a different experience....

They still try to discourage female sterilisation where a laparoscopic procedure isn’t possible, as vasectomy is quicker, safer and cheaper. You’d have loved it in my day. I have a congenital disability which can be passed on. I became pregnant despite birth control in 1985. Tests showed the disability was present and I decided on termination and sterilisation at the same time, as I wasn’t prepared to take the risk again. The medics agreed but I had to have my husbands’ consent for both procedures before I could go ahead. The bad old days are not that far in the past.

Nothing is "always trouble free". Statically, the risk of ongoing complications is extremely low. Of course a thread about vasectomy will attract people with strong opinions about vasectomy.

There are so many disgusting responses on this thread insinuating that men should have less autonomy over their bodies just because they are men. Can you imagine if a man came on here asking how to force his wife to have a tubal that she didn't want?

And as for taking sex off the table, as some kind of blackmail, this will likely just end the relationship, I would certainly leave if I felt my partner was coercing me into having medical procedures and weaponising intimacy because, quite frankly, it's a disgusting and ridiculous ultimatum to make. People who do things like that don't deserve relationships.

He doesn't have to have the procedure if he doesn't want it. There's nothing else to be done or said about it and nagging, guilting or blackmailing are signs the relationship is doomed. No sane person would stand for that.

If op is so terrified of pregnancy she can take control of her own reproductive choices and either have a tubal or use a different form of contraception. I have had my tubes tied, I was laid up for a few days, imo it's worth it and I made the decision for myself not because of a man or for somebody else. It was after all me who did not want to fall pregnant.

@Anotherparkingthread are you suggesting that contraception and the prevention of pregnancy is the sole responsibility of women? Rather than something that is a joint responsibility, particularly in a long term relationship?

you have chosen to do things that hurt your body
You can speak as if she's had an accident participating in dangerous sports or something! Ifact she has carried and given birth to his children. Having children is a joint enterprise and she has taken all the hits for it.

"Nothing is "always trouble free". Statically, the risk of ongoing complications is extremely low"

Statistically most people are risk averse, and it seems like the op's husband is one of them. If he is not willing to accept the " extremely low" risk of life like long complications he should'nt have to.

@Anotherparkingthread why did you have to have your tubes tied? Would your husband not get the snip?

If op is so terrified of pregnancy
'Terrified of pregnancy' well that's one way of phrasing it. . . A way which implies that she is being irrational. I would say that it is quite rational and proper that she wants to avoid pregnancy in order to preserve her health and prevent any more trauma to her body.

Most men are risk averse. Most women take risks with fertility every single day. In part becuase most men seem to think their willies are just too special.

No, @Anotherparkingthread didn't say that contraception was the woman's responsibility. She said that men have as much of a right to bodily autonomy as women do. It would not be fair on a partner of either sex to try to force an unwanted surgical procedure on their partner. Surely that is just common sense?

@Anotherparkingthread suggested getting tubes tied or another form of contraception. That would include condoms, so the onus isn't necessarily on the female partner.

I don't understand why anyone thinks it is even remotely reasonable to dictate what a partner should do with their own body.

I wasn't married and I love sex! No husband involved.