To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

This post nails it.

What's this got to do with anything?

I would be very upset and disappointed by his reaction but I do think many people would react in a defensive way at first.

So I would give it a couple of days and see if he brings it up and wants to discuss it.

If he doesn’t, then I would bring it up and say exactly what you’ve said on here.

Couples need to be able to communicate and discuss things.

Ultimately, if you don’t want to go on birth control or get sterilised and he doesn’t want to get a vasectomy then you’ll both have to go without sex until one of you changes your mind.

There is so much wrong in this post I genuinely don’t know where to start with it. OP’s husband hasn’t used a potential next wife as an excuse not to have a vasectomy. Posters on here have. Women - or at least I assume they’re women, but judging by some of the opinions expressed here I have my doubts - are actually advocating that another woman put her husbands fertility for a potential future relationship before her own needs when she’s been through more shit than most of you will ever experience. Actually allowing him to plan for the end of his marriage and to continue to be able to father children in the next one.

It’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that another pregnancy would be dangerous for the OP. FFS people, she’s had four miscarriages and their only child has a birth defect. The IVF treatment seems to have been necessary because of a defect in the natural selection of viable embryos. Any of you here have any idea how devastating that can be ? No ? Thought not. OP has had surgical interventions, hormones and has been poked and prodded from pillar to post. She’s clearly had enough and posters are trying to guilt her into ‘taking responsibility for her own decisions’, put her DH’s feelings about his infertility first, and undergo yet more surgery to have her tubes tied. Someone upthread actually suggested a hysterectomy, and yet another insinuated that she should think herself lucky when compared to other women around the world who don’t have bodily autonomy !!

She’s entitled to empathy and understanding from the one person in the world she’s supposed to be able to trust with her welfare, and in one sentence he’s proved that she can’t. Having children, or not, when you’re in a loving and supportive relationship is a choice you make together. When one of you has been through what the OP has, the choice as to how to avoid further distress for her should also be a choice they make together - not one dismissed in one sentence that effectively says ‘this is your problem, get on with it’.

And @banananas1999 - I suggest you educate yourself. A tubal ligation is not an outpatient operation, it’s surgery under general anaesthetic. And it carries risk. OP is right to want to avoid any further surgery that isn’t absolutely necessary.

I absolutely agree.

No, it's not obvious that another pregnancy would put OP at risk. She's not had an above expected number of miscarriages, and she hasn't said what her child's condition is.

Yep. I actually think it goes beyond embarrassing. Some of the opinions here are quite disturbing. I can only think there’s a strong male presence on the thread because I can’t countenance any woman supporting the view that this mans’ fertility has to be protected at all costs - including the mental and physical wellbeing of a partner who has been through so much, and for whom another pregnancy could well be the straw that broke the camels’ back.

I’d challenge you to find one post that says that tbh.

She doesn’t need to give that information - it’s not hard to read between the lines into the reason for IVF. If selection of viable embryos is the problem, another pregnancy could well result in another child with a birth defect, depending on the genetics - or indeed the decision to abort in that scenario. Not something you want to risk when you’ve already been through the mill. Utterly unbelievable that another woman could be so dismissive of such things.

His body his choice. Nobody knows what the future holds. I wouldn’t have a hysterectomy and permanently take away my chance of never having another baby unless that’s what I actually wanted for myself. You don’t know what the future holds.

Fucking hell. Haven't heard of the cap for more.than 2 decades. I'm assuming you're a bloke to come out with something like that.

Sadly some men just can't cope with a bit of discomfort OP. No more bareback for him is really the only thing you can do.

Are you joking? This thread reaks of blokes

This!! She asked him if he would think about it and he immediately shut the conversation down without even listening to her. People are jumping through so many hoops to frame her as “demanding” or “forcing” or “blackmailing” when there is nothing of the sort in the op. JFC.

So as expected, can’t find one post that states what this post is accusing others of posting

If IVF was needed to conceive previously, would OP easily fall pregnant now? As far as I’m aware, IVF is used as a last resort for couples that haven’t been able to fall pregnant after an extended period of time. Therefore if chances of conception are lower than standard, is a vasectomy necessary for this couple? Plus IVF is hard - whilst OP might be certain she never wants another child, is her husband certain?

Nobody has said that. Only that he’s not being unreasonable to want to protect his own fertility.

I agree that how he voiced his objection left a lot to be desired considering what the OP has been through.

The whole point is her not being in any place physically or mentally to get pregnant!

It wouldn't kill him to discuss it!

So as expected, can’t find one post that states what this post is accusing others of posting

Hereforaglance is a bloke, and not a very pleasant one if you look at his posting history.

The Op's body and what she has endured won't have changed

I wouldn’t let this thread make you doubt that your husband isn’t a great man.
Men really have a different way at looking at things and honestly I don’t think he’s dismissed everything you’ve been through at all with his reaction, he just clearly didn’t think. As others have said, vasectomy’s do funny things to men (doesn’t make it right I know) but it’s almost programmed into some of them to not want it.
My husband would give his right arm for me, but to mention a vasectomy would throw him out
completely.

I think to list the pros and cons of both of your situations would be best, he can then see it in black and white that clearly the vasectomy would be the best option here and then that’s it.

Don’t look too much more into it after a decision has been made and don’t let it affect your relationship when you’ve both already been through so much x

Depends. If he wants another I assume it would be with someone rlse

This is a stupid comment, are you saying that if you lose a child you need to make sure you can replace them with a new one?

The simple solution is no vasectomy=no sex. See how long he lasts.

Yes her, so she needs to take responsibilty for her decision and make that irreversible decision on her body.

her husband isnt a conjoined twin he can change his kind about being a father to just one child and go off and have 6 children with someone else.