To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Is it also only women who are expected to show their partner empathy and understanding, because that’s the actual issue here, not if he gets the snip or not.

This is completely irrelevant. Nobody is advocating bullying anyone. The point is that OP has been repeatedly traumatised by horrific births and medical procedures and wanted to suggest this as a means of protecting her so that their sexual relationship can resume...and her husband's response was completely lacking in any acknowledgement, validation, empathy or concern, so OP is understandably incredibly hurt.

Interesting edit there. So your husband is the 50 year old man who left his wife and is now on his second round of children with you, but you’re not projecting?

I think OPs thread is trying to convey she feels she's done enough and can't cope with more. You're totally right, his body his choice, but I wonder if he could now take some of the responsibility and use birth control himself. Dutch caps are bloody miserable and messy and more internal messing around which she is trying to avoid I think.

Typical mn men are inhuman n just there to work n pay bills n do as mn say lol

In the case of most MNs, yes it’s only women who have that choice.

And on most on MN comprehension is poor.....

The issue isn't him saying no. It's him dismissing it without discussion or acknowledgement of what this wife has endured to give them a baby.

I'm going to guess the women who are completely ignoring the post and points about discussion and going straight to bodily autonomy and bullying are either (insecure) second wives, or have husbands who have refused vasectomies and are kidding themselves that it's not a reflection of their relationship.

Sorry OP I think he didn't answer it very tactfully but I think YABU. It's upsetting all that has happened to you but I wouldn't put having a vasectomy as an equivalent.

Men can't grow children within their bodies and there are well known effects on the body during pregnancy and possibilities. Unless you didn't want to have a child then you willingly put your body through the pregnancys accepting tbose possibilities because you wanted children.

I also think the POV that men owe women a vasectomy due to them having hormonal contraception is wrong as well.
Many women/ Mumsnetters make it sound like they've been doing their partners a favour by being on birth control when it's a mutually beneficial decision because presumably the woman also doesn't want to get pregnant at that time. And I think that's another contentious point vasectomy is final ( can't always be reversed) whilst other methods are temporary.

A bit of a tangent now but when it comes to children who have been born and men not wanting to have any responsibility for them it is often said that if he didn't want to have children he shouldn't have had sex/ unprotected sex as he knew there was a possibility it would result in a child. Surely the same could be said about women who take on the possibility of pregnancy and the possible symptoms of pregnancy on the body when they choose to have sex.

Luckily there are still non hormonal types of contraception available to you, and him as well as mutually agreed abstinence if you don't come to an agreement.

Can you read?
Maybe read the thread before making such an idiotic comment

Not projecting at all- i know 3 guys who are in their 50s and had babies last year

Three men doesn't equal ALL men though does it?

How old is he? That would make a big difference to me. If he is, say, 30, I could understand reluctance.

His response was knee-jerk and if he’s as decent as you say he’s probably kicking himself already.

I'm starting to think we do have an influx of men on here sticking their oar in.
But back to OP, you are not wrong, he's a bit of an idiot or a lot if he hasn't seen what your body has been put through.
If he won't take on the birth control, then I would not be wanting to have sex with him. No way I'd chance getting pregnant with what you have already been through.
I've give him some time to reflect on his knee jerk reaction to your suggestion and re visit the idea again.

and it is an appropriate projection, people change their minds,people divorce, people fall in and out of love, there are enough blended families are out there to be proof of that

op needs to take responsibilty for her own decision, if her husband wanted to have vasectomy he would have come up with the idea himself or would have spent some time considering it- as i said,unless he has lived in a cave he knows what it means and his instinct and initial strong response is no

Seems appropriate......

Considering i dont have such a wide circle of friends 3 is quite a few. There is a chance that ops hisband might want a child too sometime, op leaves door open for herself why cant he?

One of them is her husband.

You're well out of your depth here, mate. Try your local Facebook page.

So if you don't have children your life has no purpose? What a sad outlook on life.

Even sadder is the "there would be no grandchildren" comment. Oh boo hoo no grandchildren. So many couples choosing not to have children now so there will be many women and men who do not get grandchildren.

Considering i dont have such a wide circle of friends 3 is quite a few.
Erm still doesn't make it representative of society though does it? Less so if you only have a small circle of friends.....
I have a very wide social circle and it's quite rare for men in their 50's and 60's to have children.

My DH is 53. He wouldn't want another child as he wouldn't want to be an older dad. He already worries about that as he was mid 40's when we had DS.

There is a chance that ops hisband might want a child too sometime, op leaves door open for herself why cant he?

If my DH had used that excuse then I would have been initiating a very serious discussion about our relationship.

One of them is her husband.

Ahh explains an awful lot!

You dont understand it until you have children. Once you have had them they become the most important part of your life and you love them literally more than your own life

Until they reach 18, then, whilst you still love them so much, they become responsible for themselves. My DP is the most important part of my life, closely followed by the kids. Though there’s a GC on the way so DP will move down the list 😂

You dont understand it until you have children. Once you have had them they become the most important part of your life and you love them literally more than your own life

What a patronising comment 🙄

Shit the bed, this thread!

OP is not upset at the refusal so much as the response! It's the entire reason the pill doesn't exist for men, not because it can't (they bloody did it, years ago!) but because the side effects were considered unacceptable to men...the same ones women just have to deal with.

If you're in a committed relationship then there at least needs to be a discussion at the point where one person truly doesn't want more children (ESPECIALLY if pregnancy could put her at more risk THAN IT DOES ANYWAY!!)

Most women spend most of their lives to that point dealing with & managing our fertility. If there is any failure in the management to avoid it, or just an accident or split/wandering condom SHE then has to go through the trauma of abortion.

Or you could be like me, 3 kids, cannot use hormonal contraception at all so reduced to the copper coil which gave me 10 years of extremely heavy 10 day periods with 15 days in between - ending up so anaemic I could barely function & needed an iron infusion on the condition the coil came out.

But women's problems being such low priority for Dr's, my insane periods were brushed off for years despite constant anaemia.

Those periods were ruining my life, I couldn't do it any more & it was DH who suggested a vasectomy. The reason he'd held off doing it prior was the feeling if something happened to one of our monkeys then maybe we'd like another.

Damn right that at a certain point it's the man's turn to at least CONSIDER taking the weight. Had DH not done so I think my resentment & sadness would have built so much I'd have left in the end. Not cos I didn't love him, but cos I couldn't see how he could love me by letting me live like that when there is an easy solution.

I'll close with this -

A friend, who you could assume was a selfish, ignorant & misogynistic dick if you didn't know him, announced his vasectomy with the phrase -

'yeah, she's been through enough'.

That's all there is to it.

This is true but there is a sensitive way to say things. He should have had a grown up discussion with the OP about it rather than being so thoughtless and nasty in his response. I hope he is sorry for his awful attitude!