To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Not saying it’s right that men feel this way. It is what it is.

I am flabbergasted that someone suggested you get your tubes tied! That's major surgery! After all you've been through they suggested major surgery for you instead of minor surgery for him! There are barrier options too of course.

Not about heir and spare- would your life be the same without your children? What would be the purpose? There would also be no grandchildren

not uncommon for parents to take their life after loosing a child

It's possible your suggestion was a bit of a shock and you know how funny men can be about anything to do with their 'bits'.

Maybe when it's had a chance to sink in, you'll both be able to have a proper conversation about it.

he'd soon find a new partner and possibly want children. And i think that may be part of the "problem" for him. It's a valid thought, but it is a shitty one.

TBH given the DHs attitude, in OPs position I'd be going in for a sterilization myself.

Ok, let’s ignore the massive impact on OP, because you’ve deemed it irrelevant. How would I respond to someone asking me to get my tubes tied? If it was some random on the street, I’d tell them to piss off. If it was my husband who I love and care for and know has suffered and I could take that burden from him by being sterilised, I’d have a grown up conversation with him and give it some serious consideration. Wouldn’t you? Or would you just leave your husband to suffer?

You seem to be blissfully unaware of the potential side effects of a vasectomy.

Any medical procedure has its risk, it’s ok to ask but it’s also ok for him to say a straight no.

My FIL has to take pain medication every day since his vasectomy as he developed chronic pain syndrome. It’s one of his biggest regrets.

I bet any money most of the women on here saying how unreasonable this man is would have a lot worse responses to asking to have their tubes tied.

He does need to consider it - but it kind of sounds like he hasn't had a chance yet. It sounds like a poorly phrased inital reaction to a really tricky conversation. Which happens.

I say this with kindness as you have been through a lot and it sounds like you’ve had a dreadful time but your level of suffering doesn’t reduce your dh’s autonomy on some kind of sliding scale. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy so you need to leave that idea behind and work through remaining options

This isn't a good idea. He knows what you've been through.

He doesn't need you labouring the point home by being condescending.

If he doesn't want to, that's up to him as much as it was up to you to keep trying for a baby despite what you went through.

Like PP said, if he remarried for whatever reason, he might still want more kids.

Has he ever asked you to have your tubes tied?

Are you wilfully being stupid? I didn’t say he had to have it, I said he should at least listen to her, have some empathy and consider it rather than flat out dismiss it. Try reading what people actually write rather than projecting your own nonsense onto their posts.

ita a chance that ir can happen,he can still have childre. In his 50s or 60s or even 70s-

i have posted here before i know where a woman asked her man to do it and then 2 years later decided she did want another child,reversal did not work,found a new guy and had a new child

no other woman is interested in the guy who has no chance of giving them a child,he failed also with another woman she too left him

i feel sorry for him,he pays for the decision his wife made,now he seems hai only child on the weekends too instead of seeing him every day like he used to at home

Not about heir and spare- would your life be the same without your children? What would be the purpose? There would also be no grandchildren

not uncommon for parents to take their life after loosing a child

So what, those of us with one child should remain fertile in case they die?

If my DH tried to use his next wife as a an excuse for anything, he'd be out on his arse looking for her already. Get some standards.

are you hard of understanding? or unable to understand basic human reactions?

It’s perfectly normal to have a bit of a knee jerk reaction to a request like this. I know myself if my husband asked me to get my tubes tied my initial comment would be for him to have a date with one of the cucumbers in the fridge. But I’d probably then calm down and have a chat, like this man might do later.

The only unreasonable people here are the ones calling the OPs husband a selfish prick

If this situation was reversed and the OP's partner was insisting she was sterilised, there would be uproar. Posters would be insisting he can't make her, it's her body etc etc.....

Up to you,her husband dosent want to make such a final decision,understandably

i think op needs to pull some big girl pants on,unlike losses and heartbreak, this is an operation with purpose for what she wants for herself,to avoid future heartbreak

if she dosent see it that way then perhaps she has subcouncious doubts that she wanta to keep options, she and husband kight not be together in 5 years ttime,he has still decades ahead of him to have more kids

People can say what they want about body autonomy and I don't necessarily disagree, but this says A LOT about your DH and his lack of respect for you. It would genuinely be a dealbreaker for me. He has a right to say no, but equally, you have the right to judge him for it and re-evaluate your relationship as a result, I know I would.

If my DH tried to use his next wife as a an excuse for anything, he'd be out on his arse looking for her already. Get some standards.

Indeed.

By all means consider the medical implications of having a vasectomy but don't come at me with this bullshit.

I think a lot of people are missing the point- it’s his reason for refusing that’s the problem “I’m not putting my body thought that” It’s a simple procedure with a couple of days discomfort. In contrast the OP has suffered immensely and doesn’t want any more of it. The husband isn’t prepared for himself to suffer slightly but seems ok with his wife being at risk for more harm to her. It isn’t unreasonable to hope your husband would be prepared to protect you. He doesn’t seem to have considered what the OP has been through

No vasectomy, no sex. Your choice, mate

What a disgusting, nasty and selfish thing to say.

I'm as flabberghasted as you are.

I think he needs to hear how offensive his views are and seriously think how he is damaging your marriage with this!

People have purpose beyond kids!!!
Not having kids or grandkids doesn't mean not having a life.

Being childless or having a child die doesn't stop you having purpose in life.

Parents and grandparents can have/had purpose pre-kids too.

I had two high risk pregnancies.
My partner didn't think twice about a vasectomy, he suggested it & organised it.

So even if your husband had massively struggled and be through hell and back because of his fertility (not that there is a male equivalent to what OP has been through), and you getting your tubes tied would remove anymore burden from him, that would be your reaction? Don’t you love him or have any empathy for him? Not even enough to hear him out? Poor guy.