To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

oh that sounds really stressful, OP.
His body his choice.
Choices have consequences: the only reliable birth control from your POV is now not to have PIV sex. Can he live with that?

That is the choice I'd be giving him in your shoes, that he can decide how to use his body, and you will choose how to use yours.

These comments are not surprising but still sad

Everyone is entitled to body autonomy

he isn’t selfish, or a prick for not wanting a medical procedure.

As for avoiding operations, there are many other operations that could happen- op what happens if you needed appendix removed? Cant sign your husband up for it

It also increases the risk of others. Aside from all the other side effects.

I'm sorry that you're in the situation you're in, OP. A lot of men are absolutely paranoid and irrational about their fertility and masculinity. I used to have nice sensible middle-aged neighbours who got a dog. She wanted the dog to have his bollocks off, the husband was adamant that it would never happen and always grabbed his own crotch if the subject was mentioned and started talking very loudly about interfering with masculinity. He was really, really uptight about it and it sounds as if your husband is similar. I hope he comes round.

Male infertility does still carry a stigma. Fertility and virility are strongly associated in the minds of most men and some women too. It’s very unfortunate and wrong, but it’s there. For such men it’s no small thing to voluntarily make yourself infertile and it’s not completely unknown for women to no longer fancy their husband once they’ve had it done.

The lack of comprehension on this thread is staggering.

Nowhere in the OP does it state she is planning on blackmailing or forcing her husband to have a vasectomy.
She asked him if he'd consider it and he shut her down with zero consideration as to what her body has been through so they could have a child.

His reaction was selfish and inconsiderate.

No, he’s a selfish and a prick for the way he responded. Completely insensitive and lacking in empathy.

What a load of male apologist nonsense

And I wager if the OP had posted saying her husband had asked her to get her tubes tied responded would be to shut that down straight away and ‘no, is a complete sentence’

He doesn’t need to consider anything. It’s his body, his choice.

The fact grown women on here are calling someone a prick for saying no to a medical procedure is a bit pathetic

@Butterdishy On balance, for most women, it reduces the overall risk of cancer. And yes, there can be side effects, but also benefits, such as managing heavy periods and pre menstrual low mood.

So it's a complex health decision, and needs discussion with a health professional.

How would you respond to someone asking you to get sterilized?

He does need to consider it. Because that's how marriage works. (A good one anyway)

but OP has had lots of invasive procedures for IVF - so let's assume her DH is ok with that because he also really wanted a child.

so now? he doesn't want to destroy his fertility, hedging his bets maybe? who knows, that is his right.

but it is also OPs right not to take hormones, or have any other procedures that don't directly benefit her. In a true partnership they would find a compromise that suits both of them. My suggestion is that unless and until that happens, PIV doesn't happen because OP doesn't want to risk a pregnancy.

How about condoms, OP? used properly they are VERY reliable.

How would you respond to someone asking you to get sterilized?

It's a perfectly reasonable conversation to have in a long term relationship.

There is nothing wrong with discussing the various birth control options which can include sterilisation.

He needs to consider his wife, who he married, is meant to love and has whiteness going through some horrific stuff. Why do you think a man doesn’t have to show his wife empathy? To even hear her out? And you comparing him asking her to get her tubes tied, as if that’s the same, as if he could have ever experienced what OP has been through? Clearly you have no empathy for her either

What? They're not royalty, they don't need to have an heir and a spare.

I was in a similar position. I'd had 4 miscarriages in between first and second live birth so absolutely knew we weren't having anymore. Plus was getting on a bit so permanent birth control option was a no brainer. My midwife at the second birth knew we weren't having anymore as we'd said all the above to her and we were already discussing vasectomy. Husband was initially reluctant but midwife said that it's the kindest thing a husband can do for his wife. Also, one of his friends had a vasectomy a year before so he could speak to him for info. Turned out to be simple procedure and best option for us. It's done and we never need to think about it.

How do I get a man pregnant and put him through what OP has been through? Answer that and then I’ll consider it a fair comparison.

If it was that or seeing someone I love suffer, I'd get sterilized. Because in a partnership it isn't all about you, it's about the pair of you.

There are lots of issues in your reply. I think I’m wasting my time trying to address any of them. We will have to agree to disagree. Have a lovely day!

He doesn’t need to consider anything. It’s his body, his choice.

He does need to consider it though. He doesn't have to say yes but if you are an adult who wants to have sex but not have children then you should consider what form of birth control you want to use and not assume you partner will take care of it.

Nope, answer the question

How would you respond if someone asked you to get sterilized?

Im betting it wouldn’t be a considered initial reaction or comment

Oh, also I'd mentioned that I'd be out of action for quite a while if I was sterilised and DH would need to look after the kids on his own while I recovered. He preferred the idea of a bit of down time himself rather than seeing to the kids 😁Didn't blame him

So what you’re saying is ‘my body, my choice’ only applies to women, and men should just do as they’re told including going under the knife?

Flip that around, and you’ll see why your point is absolutely ridiculous

He doesn’t need to consider anything. It’s his body, his choice.

And possibly the end of his marriage and the beginning of a new life as single part-time father.