To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

It’s really not as simple as that is it? It’s not a black and white situation with a right or wrong answer, it’s a highly personal and sensitive and everyone has their own opinion on it.
Personally even in those circumstances I would inform them of what’s happened and I would discuss it with them but that situation is completely different to two people who are in a committed relationship.

My only hope is that the birth rate continues to plummet worldwide.

Then there are condoms and avoiding sex

why blackmail the husband who already know becoming infertile male would make him depressed,its not like a pill that you can take one day and not if you want to stop

ops husband could have children probs for another 40 years,he might meet up with a 20 year old when he is 50

or op might change her mind and want a child in a few years,as many do when they realise its their last chance-i know a guy who took the vasectomy for his wife,wife moved on had a new child, guy failed to conceive witg his new gf as well and she moved on too,he has bene single wver since because no child bearing age woman is going anywhere near him,he is in a friend zone, and he is in his 30s.

he could have had 40 years to meet up with someone else and have a family

all because one woman did not want to take responsbilty for her own body

The British birth rate is falling.

I'm sorry that you're in the situation you're in, OP. A lot of men are absolutely paranoid and irrational about their fertility and masculinity. I used to have nice sensible middle-aged neighbours who got a dog. She wanted the dog to have his bollocks off, the husband was adamant that it would never happen and always grabbed his own crotch if the subject was mentioned and started talking very loudly about interfering with masculinity. He was really, really uptight about it and it sounds as if your husband is similar. I hope he comes round.

If he doesn't, if I were you OP, I'd ask to be sterilised. I don't know if it's always done laparoscopically using keyhole surgery, but that's certainly how one friend had it done. She said the worst thing about it was the trapped wind afterwards. They inflate your belly area to create a bit of room for manoeuvre inside and according to my friend trapped wind afterwards was the most painful aspect of the operation.

For hundreds of years women weren't in a position to do anything about their fertility and had to go on having babies (and losing them before or after birth) until menopause or until they died — often as a result of pregnancy and birth. Men could also legally rape their wives. At least we now have legal, safe alternatives.

You can't use the risk of prostate cancer (which remains ~1%) as an excuse without also acknowledging the increased risk of cancer with hormonal birth control.

he could have had 40 years to meet up with someone else and have a family

all because one woman did not want to take responsbilty for her own body

Only a man would say that @banananas1999

And Korean, Japanese, Italian probably lots more. Time for women to say no more

YANBU for asking, but if he doesn't want a vasectomy that is his choice and it is his body.

What you have been through is dreadful (I know, having been through similar fertility experiences - it's horrible).

But still, I don't think he should be expected to go through a surgical procedure, just because you have been through a lot.

It is still a big deal for him and he has the right to say no. There are other ways to prevent pregnancy - it's not a choice between only hormonal birth control or surgery - there are less invasive methods like condoms and natural cycles.

Hence I said that they needed to have a nuanced conversation about the way they move forward and discuss the options in a balanced way?

PS - out of every 100 men, 13 will get prostrate cancer, 2-3 will die (acc to US CDC data); if OP’s DH/DP has a family history of prostate cancer this risk increases. Watched my dad go through it so would want my DS to be very sure of risks if he explored this option.

I’d be telling him you’re not putting yourself through more hormones and pregnancies so it’s condoms or nothing from now on and don’t budge.

If he doesn't, if I were you OP, I'd ask to be sterilised. I don't know if it's always done laparoscopically using keyhole surgery, but that's certainly how one friend had it done. She said the worst thing about it was the trapped wind afterwards. They inflate your belly area to create a bit of room for manoeuvre inside and according to my friend trapped wind afterwards was the most painful aspect of the operation.

That is how I had my “lap & dye” 30 years ago (when they squirt dye through the tubes to check they’re not blocked) and yes the trapped wind was the worst part.

What’s wrong with condoms anyway?
just use those

Blackmail?! I can only assume you don’t know what that word means.

Why? We are hoping to have a third soon.

Agree with all this. I’d suggest trying to have a more open conversation about the different options open to you both and your reasons for wanting a reliable method of contraception. See where you get to- there are lots of possibilities and you may even find he comes round to a vasectomy but it has to be his decision.

Sorry you have been through so much and I do agree that your husband’s response was clumsy and upsetting.

You didn't mention those risks though did you? Only offered an alternative that places all risk back on the woman. Your own argument is far from balanced.

I found that quite painful. 😬

Why are people saying OP's husband shouldn't be forced into having a vasectomy?

All OP said was that she asked him if he'd consider it and was upset that he wouldn't even discuss it. She's allowed to be upset by his response and lack of consideration for her and everything she's been through. She hasn't asked how she can force him to do it, just said she's upset by his lack of consideration.

If he'd replied something along the lines of, "I have thought about it, but it's not something I'd want to do because the risks of x, y, z. What else can we look at to eliminate the risks of pregnancy because I do understand how awful the last few years have been for you and I wouldn't want you to go through that again." I'm sure OP would have then had a discussion with him about it all.

Hopefully it was a knee jerk reaction OP and you can have a proper discussion about all the options soon.

They are welcome to say no. Plenty want them though.

Agree that only a man would say that. And the man would be completely wrong and irresponsible. Men's fertility also decreases rapidly once they hit 40.

Even if fertile, older men also have a significantly elevated risk of the child being born with lifelong health conditions. Research is only just starting to show how (and why) it's often a really selfish idea for older men to try to have babies.

Man would say what? Im a woman and the guy himself hasnt blamed his wife, he said he did at the time what he thiught would be best for their relationship, and lets be honest he is ended up being screwed over

if op dosent want to have a child its up to her to book in for an outpatient day operation, unless she has sleep apnoea etc she would get home the same day if her surgery is in the morning. its laproscopic minimally invasive surgery,not an open heart transplant

@Butterdishy Thought this was an discussion forum and therefore not my responsibility to educate. My original post was sufficient to highlight that a vasectomy has risks that other PPs are ignoring and that perhaps DP has reasons for not wanting one… which is why they need to explore options in a balanced way.

Do I need to repeat that again for the people at the back?

A bit morbid but there is only the one child. What if something happens and he has had the vasectomy?

@Butterdishy The pill protects against some kinds of cancer.