To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Ok. You will always see the man’s side over the woman’s. Cool. You are in good company here.

@JellyCatPenguin On give and take - it doesn't actually sound like they've actually had a proper discussion about it.

I think he should discuss it calmly with you as a PP said but I don’t think he should get one if he doesn’t want to. I don’t think you should go on the pill either as you don’t want to. It is a bigger deal than that though as it is permanent.

Nothing is guaranteed and he doesn’t know if you are going to get fed up with him and leave him in a year or two. It has got to be 100% his decision.

@JellyCatPenguin Actually, my medical history is surprisingly similar to OP's. My husband offered to have a vasectomy. I told him that I thought that would not be a sensible option when I could get a mirena.

The misogyny on this thread is appalling. And the majority view it seems.

It's not misogyny to think that the person who absolutely doesn't want more children is the one who takes the permanent step. It's tiresome when people cry "misogyny!" at everything.

You can't make another person go through a permanent physical alteration to their body just because the other has gone through X, Y or Z.

It sounds like the OP has just sprung it on her DH without having any kind of initial discussion about future contraception.

He sounds selfish as fuck. Having said that men seem to have an issue with having a vasectomy. My DH refused even after 4 miscarriages. I had my DS in 2020 and the pregnancy and birth were horrific. The doctor said if I got pregnant again it could kill me. DH decided to get a vasectomy but if he hadn't I'd have got sterilised.
Is that an option for you? After everything you've been through he should do this for you and the fact that he won't would make me question how much he cares about you

Why should he bring his reproductive days to an end for a woman who may just decide that she doesn't love him any more or that he's "abusive" 5 years down the road?

Use something else.

@LameBorzoi not saying she should, others mentioned it as an option for her and it’s something I’d be hugely against as the risk are far greater and it’s a more complicated procedure.

Well, you are clearly unable to see any side other than the woman's so you're being equally discriminatory.

If a man has had a vasectomy that has failed and his partner gets pregnant, should he be able to insist she goes through with an abortion because of what he's already been through? Or does bodily autonomy only work one way?

This is how my husband replied so I had my tubes tied and was then plunged into early menopause which was a nightmare. Why the heck should OP go through any more. Bloody hell.

Can you fit gaslighting in the mn bingo?

Why would you martyr yourself like that? Such a cool wife. DH can't possibly have a sore willy for a few days.
My Dh offered to get snip, so I said "yes please, thanks babe". My turn was over.

Having said that men seem to have an issue with having a vasectomy.

Some men......

My DH and a significant number of our friends don't seem to have an issue with it.
They're mature enough to understand that when you're a couple birth control should be a joint decision and joint responsibility.

I’m on the waiting list for sterilisation and have recently found that it really is a man’s world. I can’t take contraception due to hormonal changes in my breasts. My sister died of breast cancer at 39 so I choose to be very careful about what I put into my body. I have suffered miscarriages, have an autoimmune disease and chronic pains so another baby would tip my body over the edge it is already very close to. My DP does not want the snip (his choice), but my battle for the sterilisation was a tough one. I got asked several times about my DPs view on this and what would happen if he wanted another child (a boy as we have a girl together). Even though I am determined on my choice I got told to take leaflets home and discuss it again with DP, even though DP has said this he is happy with any decision I make. Feels very 1950s and if men were the ones who had to carry babies there’d be miracle medicines to help them be more of a man 😡

@banananas1999 I’m going by my husbands experience plus I know about 5 others who have all have the procedure and it was a quick recovery for all of them, none of them have regretted it or had any issues.
My one friend’s husband wasn’t sure at first but his wife had gone through an awful lot and almost died giving birth and as contraception didn’t prevent their last pregnancy he decided to get it done, it was successful and they are both a lot happier for it as it took a lot of stress away.

I think it’s unfair for OPs husband to dismiss it without at least having a proper conversation about it and looking into the pros and cons fully together.

So she hasn’t been through enough already?!

@SoupDragon

Oh soupdragon, that is a philosophical thought to ponder!

She has just explained everything her body has been through in the last few years. Silly and thoughtless comment.

Not so simple,i know a guy who just did that only to be dumped hy the wife when she wanted another child and reversal did not work,then on top of it dumped hy the next woman too because she wanted a sibling for her only child.

the guy has now no partner and is single for 5+ years i know

thebwife whi asked for him to have vasectomy is married to new guy and has a child with him

@Butterdishy So now a mirena is martyring myself? Oh my!

It's a way better option for us. Controls other medical issues for me without the side effects of the pill.

Should we change our minds in a few years (unlikely, but it happens), we could decide to try and have another kid.

It's absolutely his choice to make between a vasectomy, using condoms or not having sex, it's his decision which of the 3 he wants given you cannot go through pregnancy or take hormobes

'Is there anything left that my body can do for you?'

She's been through the mill and back

What's he done towards having a family?

Then surely the more so she should be keen to have the operation, what happens if ops husband has the proceduee,will become depressed as he already inagines he will be,will suffer from erectile dysfunction (also a side effect), sex will be out of the window and relationship falls apart:

op meets a new guy and asks him to have a vasectomy too because SHE dosent want pregnancy?

ops husband can have children up to his 80s,why should he be blackmailed into such a decision when there are no guarantees they will be together until their old age? Ops husband might want another child in 5 or 10 years

It's a better option for you.
Clearly it isn't for the op who doesn't want to use hormonal contraceptives which is understandable given her medical history.

Right, so your personal circumstances are entirely different and not at all relevant or comparable.