To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Could not agree more. I could never be with such a pathetic man.

Another divisive post, wow - there are lots today. My DH didn’t want to either and I am still very disappointed about it. It wasn’t a reason to leave him and I couldn’t force him but it made me view him differently.

Would you think it unfair of the woman to have or not have an abortion without discussing it my her dh?

She wasn't dictating. She was asking to consider it and he dismissed it.

This isn't always the case. I can get pregnant naturally (very easily), but I have a genetic condition which can affect a baby meaning IVF with genetic testing was suggested to us to select an embryo that wasn't affected.

Surely ops husband has heard of vasectomies and already knows his stance on it? I have never taken any hormonal birth control,if a doctor offers it to me i say no ta before she finishes the sentence,i have already done my research

Would you get pregnant again after what the OP has been through?

But op asks her husband to make a decision not to have another child in his lifetime?

she can still change her mind and try with another guy next year if she changes her mind

No.... Where did she say she didn't particularly want children but did IVF and experienced the miscarriages for him?

If she didn't want to try IVF, she had the right to decline it. She didn't invoke that right, but he's now invoked his right to decline a vasectomy

I stated to my husband that if I couldn't get pregnant I was unlikely to attempt IVF as it can be quite an emotional and difficult process. The decision to do IVF would rest with me, the decision for a vasectomy with him

You don't get to say "because I did this you have to do this or it isn't fair!"

It's terrifying how many women don't think men even owe them a rational, open minded discussion. The bar is so low.

I would think any decision like that should be discussed first, the woman may have the final say in that situation but it’s important to discuss it, it affects both parties and if you are in a relationship you are a unit, you should work together in these situations not against one another.

Every single hormonal contraception I've ever used has had horrible side effects that I'm just no longer willing to put myself through for a weekly shag.

Can't have the pill due to migraines.
Implant and depo injection caused continuous bleeding for 8 months alomg with hideous mood swings before I gave up and decided no more.
Same with coil, continuous bleeding.

I'm not doing it just so DH doesn't have to wrap up for an hour. It's selfish to expect me to.

OP, I see you’ve had such a difficult journey in your attempts to have children. However some of these responses are so binary. The OP has said that her DH is a ‘good man ‘ yet he is being demonised for making one apparently knee jerk response.

OP, is there somewhere in your mind that feels uncomfortable and insecure about the fact that you are unable to have more children but that he can? Nobody can predict the future where there are unknowns. Is there a fear of you separating one day and your good man having the privilege of entering a new relationship and having children with a woman who is able to do so?

You have done your research. I doubt ops husband has done his. I think it's a knee jerk reaction and a not uncommon one among men.

I think the breezy dismissal is awful considering what she's been through. Yes it's his body and his choice, but he could have had more thought for op and discussed it maturely instead of just instantly batting it away.

This is aibu though so not surprised at the response this is getting 🙈

It sounds like she brought it up rather abruptly, asking him to have a vasectomy rather than asking how he would feel about it or would he consider it, which might have led to a fuller discussion. I agree with the PP who said he might change his mind when he has had time to think about it.

She’s had invasive IVF treatment plus miscarriages. She also has numerous gynaecological issues. What about her body? She’s been through enough. Nothing I have read suggests she is emotionally blackmailing him. She has suggested it as a solution because she feels like her body has been through enough.

If he doesn’t want to then ultimately it’s his choice but you can’t just flippantly say “you do it instead” like you are.

Why?

My ex and I discussed it, I knew I never wanted anymore kids so I was sterilised also after 20 years of being told I couldn't physically have a child.

We got pregnant through contraception. I had a horrific pregnancy, several hospital admissions, lost a significant amount of blood during child birth and am still suffering spinal complications following an epidural. Nothing tondo with the administration of it, just got unlucky.

Given medical information i had been given was clesrly wrong about my ability to conceive and the fact we had fallen pregnant on contraception i wanted a more guaranteed option.

He didn't want a vasectomy, he had reasons I didn't particularly agree with but ultimately it was his choice. I didn't think any less of him.

I chose to be sterilised. In fact I actually wanted a hysterectomy but the hospital refused despite knowing my history.

You either believe on body autonomy or you don't.

That isn't misogyny ffs it's equality.

Some of you are bloody dangerous

Pathetic

And what about when not in a relationship? A one night thing or fwb?

You cannot have it both ways

Also, not to mention the fact that many women cant have it done at the GP (I did and had no problems but thats just me). Im a big fan of the coil but I haven’t been through any medical trauma and had straightforward pregnancies. Never had a miscarriage. I have heard many stories of women needing to go into hospital to have it fitted, dreading having it replaced, not getting on with the hormones, the coil slipping down, months of bleeding etc. The OP has been through horrendous events and doesn’t want her body messed around with.

He is not even prepared to enter into a conversation about which is the biggest risk - his wife having an extremely risky pregnancy/more trauma or him having a vasectomy.

In a marriage, couples make decisions together and compromise. He shut her decision down without even looking into it. He could offer to discuss it with his GP, even if he says no in the end after weighing up all the benefits/risks.

And how many women believe it's okay for men to opt out of taking any responsibility for birth control.

Did you read her OP?

Everything that's happened/is still happening to her body?

Why do I feel that way - because I do - just being honest. I can’t see how that is dangerous. It felt like a small low risk thing he could have done after many big, less safe things I had gone through. Ultimately it was his choice and as I am adult I respected that. I have never told him I was disappointed, so not sure how that makes me dangerous. I am not obliged to feel a certain or even rational way about it.

I have had several rounds of IVF and traumatic births. I still wouldn't force my husband to have a vasectomy.

I think that if you had a balanced conversation about the way forward for you as a couple, where you might have explored sterilisation procedures for one or both of you, you might have been able to discuss and hear his reservations. It sounds as though you made an emotional request (or demand, to male ears) and he has shut it down.

It is his right to decline to have surgery - for eg. Men who have had vasectomies are 60% more likely to develop prostate cancer (per the Nat Institute for Health), so the idea that it’s a quick snip with no complications is wrong. Could you not have the Mirena Coil instead? This is what I did as I also had PCOS and 5 miscarriages and simply did not want to risk getting pregnant again once my dcs were born.