To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

This is a perfect response; unfortunately I can never think of replies like this on the spur of the moment.

@Cymruhills I think it’s perfectly fair to say you are still using the items Bro has asked for and that, given the cost of kids doesn’t decrease as they grow, you had planned to sell them and generate some cash for your own DCs benefit. There is also the fact that, I assume, your DH/DP will have also paid for some/all of them so it’s not just your generosity they are leaning on.

For those saying they would never charge a sibling/family member - well, I would never ask one to ‘give’ me their stuff, especially if my DCs are still using it and I’ve already been generous enough to give clothing etc - it should be offered freely and without coaxing…And I say this as someone who regularly contacts close friends/relatives to check whether their little ones would like a new bed/book case/wardrobe/boot-full of lego/playmobil/Thomas the tank engine trainset, no charge. I’ve even arranged and paid for couriers to get the stuff to theirs, but not once have they come and actually asked me if I have anything going.

I don't think you were being unreasonable.

It was very rude of brother to ask about items therefore putting you in an awkward position.
If you had have wanted to pass them to him the expectation is that they are offered.

Think it was really cheeky he even assumed that he could use then return. Putting the whole cost of the item on you.

I think just send him a message to clarify that having a baby is very expensive and cost you a lot which he can clearly appreciate. That you need to sell some of the items on to help you with the costs, he has first dibs but you will be sticking with your intentions to sell the items.

I think it would have been easier to say you’re selling the items and someone had offered x amount as you need the money for XYZ. Might make things easier than directly asking them for the money

But why should they get everything for free? Baby stuff costs fortune so they should expect to be buying stuff for their baby - new or second hand

@Cymruhills do you mean a quarter of the price or just a quarter off the new price? If the latter that's so mean.

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them

Well, that’s kind of his problem. Looking ‘shocked’ doesn’t get you stuff free anywhere else.

OP, just tell him you need the money and are going to sell the bigger items.

That's what I would have done.

I would have said “I’ve still got them but I’m planning on selling them. If you want first dibs let me know.”

Why should you be expected to gift a lot of money to your brother - because that is effectively what you would be doing by not selling the items. Loaning stuff wont work, they may have other children so keep your things for years and then they have less value.

25% of current retail is not expensive. if items are in good condition.

It says in the OP 25% of the RRP!

Even if it was the latter no one has to pay it if they don't want to!

Loaning is extremely problematic.

Unless you really don't mind the state the items may come back in, never, ever lend baby things

So you'd gift a fully-equipped nursery?

But your son hadn't paid for them. So he shouldn't make a 'profit' when done.

Totally different

Passing on the low value items to family and reselling the higher value items is perfectly fine. Do not let your brother or anybody on here encourage you otherwise.

They should have said what they need and not asked you. It’s unfair as you feel like you’ve no choice then. I would absolutely offer family money for something, if it’s a more expensive item. It’s cheeky of your brother not to. Even loaning the item means it’s re-sale value is lower and often if you need it back it’s not in the same condition and some people cheekily loan out your items to others.

Stealthboast - everyone I know is wealthy enough to give their stuff away.

Back in the real and normal world absolutely fine to say I was going to sell it online for £x and maybe discount it slightly for friends/family. The money does towards the next load of stuff for her own kids. Is she supposed to in effect pay for her siblings younger kids too? N

I disagree. When we gift something, it is a gift, no ifs, no buts, understand.

Therefore, I guess our son, DiL could have easily sold them for good money as they, like us look after their things.

Therefore, you are completely wrong to say what you said.

This x 100.

I said this to friends and family-some bits we gave (clothes we wouldn’t need any more), some bits we lent (maternity stuff when a friend was pregnant but I was still planning more children) and other bits we sold (pram, door bouncer).

Please don’t give the CFs anything else! Not one single bib!

Don’t even sell them anything, the twunts.

And you are wrong for not seeing OP’s brother is a CF.

People like this ^ are so alien to me.

We have always passed quality items between family member that we have no use for, and not just between siblings but aunts, nieces and nephews who now have kids, cousins.

We had a singing duck training potty that was sterilised and passed on maybe 5 times. Buggies, cots, beds, scooters, bikes, clothes, winter coats, anything still in good condition that has been outgrown, no money expected.

One year, my nephew had been shopping for things for Xmas for his son, from a very popular at the time programme. My mum and sis had mentioned it in conversation anyway. My son had the whole set up which he had outgrown and uninterested in now and was all great condition, boxed up and could have been sold on, but I gave him it, saving him a good couple of hundred pounds. Him and his fiancée didn't expect it but were very grateful. Why have the attitude of " I paid so why should they get it free" instead of "why should they pay when I have it free"

I guess that's why many of us have fantastic relationships with the majority of our family, who will go out of their way if you need them, and others don't.

I see no problem to charge a smaller amount for bigger items especially when you want to use the money from the sale to buy your own children new things! You sound like you were already really generous giving them things to help out. If it were me I would charge a discounted rate for them being family (say £40 for an item that was bought for £200) which is still incredibly fair they will still save alot of money from all of the generousity they have been shown.

WTH is a "CF"???

I’m with you - I was the first of my siblings to have children and we spent thousands on cots, car seats, buggy, double buggy, etc. I bought them new and of decent quality because I knew that the resale value meant I could sell them at the end. I took the decision to spend more knowing I could recoup a little at the end. For eg I bought an Icandy buggy and accessories for £1000 and then sold it for £200.

My sibling who had a baby after me I gave them a shit tonne of stuff for free - clothes, Moses basket, steriliser, books, toys, bouncy chair, sling, maternity clothes etc. And for the last 15 years I have continued to pass on all grown out of clothes/toys/books. They’ve received for free stuff that has cost me thousands of pounds over the last 15 years and I don’t mind that. All of the stuff I’ve passed on I would have given to the charity shop, so no loss to me.

If I’d bought second hand bigger items, or they had been gifted to me then of course I would pass them on again for free. But I didn’t. Just because I had children first shouldn’t mean that I spend £5000 on cot, buggies, car seat etc ………. And because they are younger than me they get it all for free.

I sold the cot and then put that money towards a new single bed. I sold the buggy and used the money to buy their first bicycle etc.

I think your mistake was asking if they wanted to buy it. It would have been better to say “Sorry but I have always planned to sell the bigger items in order to recoup some of the large amount of money I spent buying them.” And just leave it there, end of conversation on your side. If they decide to come back and say “hey we really like the look of your cot - how much are you planning to sell it for, maybe we could buy it since we need one?”

Cheeky fucker