To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

Put them up for sale, send him a link. Job done.

LOLs

On that basis, OP has a point, as I skim read.

What a CF he is, lol.

This. Actually charging your family is grim. I'm shocked you even thought to do it. Whether you can make money selling it or not is irrelevant. It's your brother, money shouldn't come into it. If i was him, i'd just buy new now rather than pay my sister for second hand items. Do you really need the money or something? Be warned, your brother and sil may stay frosty.

Hang on, check your privalge. She says she needs the money, her children need to go without if she does not sell them.

yes, of course it’s not ideal, but if you’re poor, living hand to mouth and you can’t provide for your chilfren, then she had no option

im sure if she wasn’t in this situation she’d not have attempted to sell her second hand kids stuff to her own brother.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

I think this is the main issue in that it's worded as you wanting to charge your sibling for the items rather than you having always intended to sell the items to someone.

Regardless of which, you are perfectly entitled to sell anything you own and bough to anyone who is willing to buy it. It's all well and good saying "I'd never charge my sibling for baby items" but not everyone can just afford to give away thousands of pounds worth of items for nothing - good for you if you can but why are we acting appalled that people don't want to give away their stuff for free? If I needed a car and my brother was selling his old one for £2k then I wouldn't expect it for free, but my £2k baby travel system is apparently up for grabs because it's a baby item and he's my sibling ...

YANBU to want to recoup some of the costs on larger items but I would have worded it more "Yes we still have XYZ items but as they were expensive I have always intended to sell them to put the money towards covering some of the costs of replacing XYZ with <next stage items> that DC need now. If you want to buy it off me then let me know otherwise I'll put it on FB marketplace/eBay/Vinted etc"

If the OP is living hand to mouth, can hardly provide for her children, then it's best to sell the items - but I would only sell to a to a stranger. It's not good selling to a family member.
Say - we need to raise money, we cannot afford to gift anything.

YANBU. They basically asked for your stuff, you said they could have it for a small percentage of the cost, they don't have to accept. You've done nothing wrong.

It's not like you gave them the items, and then said "Oh, that'll be £200".

I think ok to seek to family if you’re desperate like the op.she tells us it’s for stuff her kids actually need, rather than a nice to have, and so they get first refusal. Possibly the brother didn’t realise how much they are struggling. And hence his surprise.

I think it's not ideal because that kind of transaction is tricky. I agree that she should tell her brother that she's struggling financially, so he understands.

The re-sale value for such items is very low.
You (op) have ended up looking cheap imo

Yes based on the numbers she gave it’s like 20 or 30 quid, but if your kids need things and you don’t have any money then that 20 or 30 quid can make a big difference.

How very Mumsnet for so many people to be telling OP she should give away potentially £100’s worth of stuff for free.

Some people just have no idea what it’s like to need the money.

I wouldn't have mentioned the stuff you were planning on selling- if they asked about it then I’d have just said it’s going on eBay to towards new stuff for your kids, but give them first refusal. Your brother will soon find out how expensive kids are, and then maybe appreciate why you wanted a contribution towards the items. He may not realise or he may just be a CF.

Not necessarily. I sold my buggy for £200 (cost me £1000 new). I sold my cot for £100 (cost me £600 new). Probably got about £1000+ for selling on my bigger items.

Why should I gift £1000 to my siblings by giving them to them for free - instead of reinvesting that money in buying bigger stuff for my own children?

And you also need to protect yourself from being shafted. I gave several items to my cousin for free, including a jumperoo. And 6 months later it popped up on my Facebook that she was selling it for £25! CF indeed.

I disagree - if the OP was always intending to sell an item then it doesn't matter if she is on the bones of her arse or a multimillionaire, its her item she can do what she wants with it and there is zero obligation to give it away just because the other person is "family".

We need to get out of the mindset that we should only sell things if we need to because we are destitute and starving - my priority is my DD, not anyone else's children. If my DD wants/needs something new and I can afford to buy it by selling an item we no longer need/use then of course I am going to sell it. If one of my siblings wants/needs said item then I will happily let them buy it off me (probably at a lower price than I was intending to sell it for) but I am not morally obligated to give them the item.

Obviously if I am in a position where I don't need the money then when my sibling asks to buy it then I'll more than happily say "Oh you can just have it" but that is my choice to make, nobody else's. I should not be judged if I decide that I am not going to give the item away because my sibling has the option to pay me the £20 for the item or buy it new for £80, knowing that £20 is a bargain for the item and will also give me £20 to put towards my family budget and allow me to treat my DD to something she would not otherwise have.

I think it depends the relationship. I gave my brother and SIL a lot of stuff baby stuff. However, I'm close to my brother and he buys lots of things for my children.

Yes, £20 can go a long way in Aldi if you've got children to feed.

Well you went off on an unnecessary rant. 😂 she said she needed the money for her kids and they’d do without otherwise . That’s why the convo is where it is.

I think of you didn't want to give them and want to sell them. You should of said you didn't have them anymore then sold them

Tbh I agree with this. We had this in our own family recently except the sibling clearly knew they were being a CF and used to get parents to ask us for them instead, or say things like 'DParent says you have X to give us' etc! Was so rude and they did it loads of times. In our case we did gift some items (without being asked for them) but the rest of the stuff we were keeping as we were still thinking we may expand our family further and would need them. Which we didn't want to say to people (why should we?). As it happens I am now pregnant again so pleased I didn't feel pressured into giving all the stuff away.

How very Mumsnet for so many people to be telling OP she should give away potentially £100’s worth of stuff for free.

Some people just have no idea what it’s like to need the money.
This, and it's not just a case of need the money for bills/food, it's just not having the disposable cash to given hundreds, if not thousands of pounds of kit away.

I accept hand me downs and pass things on, but higher value items are sold so DC can have nicer things.

Then again this is Mumsnet where people wonder how anyone can afford children on under £50k a year and there's dozens of threads from people who've chosen to have a huge mortgage for a nice house in a nice area insisting that they feel really poor because £80k a year doesn't go that far.

Yes, I'm aware of that but my point still stands.

If I have an item I want to sell I should not have to justify why I am selling the item rather than giving it away to family by explaining "We need the money".

The fact I have an item in my possession, that I own but no longer need/want and that has resale value should be justification enough. I earn just over NMW, one of my brothers is on £80k a year, we both know this fact but our daily finances are totally private, if he was selling something that I wanted/needed I wouldn't just assume that because he earns so much more than me that he would give it to me for nothing, but I also wouldn't expect him to explain why he was selling an item for £50 when he has so much disposable income compared to me that he doesn't need £50.

Why should people have to tell others about their financial position in order to justify selling their own items? I could give things away on a daily basis and not be left destitute but selling them instead gives me a bit more money in my budget and parents shouldn't have to justify why they don't/won't give baby/children's things away.

If it's "grim" to charge family, isn't it equally "grim" to expect to be given just because you are family?

’DParent says you have X to give us'

How rude! What did you say to that?!