Page 9 | To have left this date.

Needtonamechange9 · 2024-02-24T23:00:24+00:00

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right. I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight). I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one. I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

starfishmummy · 25/02/2024 01:23

Not unreasonable of you to leave and to not want to go to his place.

But OTT to jump to conclusions about threesomes!

Thulpelly · 25/02/2024 01:24

I honestly think it was good you trusted your gut. It’s weird to be invited to a stranger’s house - you don’t know this man, literally never met him.
Threesome is a bit of a leap but i think you made the right choice.

Thulpelly · 25/02/2024 01:26

Also, I would never just unexpectedly turn up on a saturday evening at my mate’s house. Would always phone or text to see if they had plans. It sounds made up.

Saltandpeppero · 25/02/2024 01:28

Needtonamechange9 · 24/02/2024 23:13

I don't know why I thought threesome. But why would a man think or anyone think its acceptable to meet another friend on a first date if it was a normal first date

It’s not acceptable at all.

Not sure if it was a threesome BUT I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some kind of crush because I find it weird he couldn’t tell her earlier that he had a date and he’d have to help her another time.

Definitely good you left though OP, if someone isn’t super respectful of your time on a first date and is happy to leave you hanging around in a bar without updating you promptly, they’re not worth meeting up with. His lack of consideration will only get worse, because people put their best foot forward on first dates.

On a first date you should be excited to see the person and focused on getting to know them. It’s completely inappropriate & weird to bring someone else along.

As pp have suggested the story of the female friend could’ve been a lie as well.

Original poster

Needtonamechange9 · 25/02/2024 01:29

Annielou67 · 25/02/2024 00:36

It was a big leap re the threesome, but he didn’t deny it or ask how you came to that conclusion. He said he didn’t JUST want sex. Reading between the lines of a late night Saturday date, had you talked about sleeping together?

NEVER. NOT ONCE. We haven't even spoken about sex at all.

and to answer someone else's question about why he couldn't meet till 9.30 he said he had his kids and was dropping them off at his exes.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 25/02/2024 01:30

Ignore the people criticizing your texts. You dodged a very odd person. Don’t think twice about it.

Kattenburg · 25/02/2024 01:31

EmmaEmerald · 25/02/2024 01:16

@IMakeCrapCakes "What got me is he was articulate and explained what had happened well, and it would endear me to a man whose female friend has been in need and he'd wanted to offer comfort to. That's a nice person."

On what planet is it a nice person who leaves someone waiting alone in a bar?

I'm all for supporting your friends when they are in need but this wasn't described as an emergency. He could have met his upset friend after the date if she needed him that much.

But also - that was a line! it's very unlikely it was the truth. And you saying it was articulate is making me think the bar is even lower. Ooh, someone can string a sentence together, how amazing.

Posters who can't see the issue here.....have you had zero experience of dodgy men? I realise these lucky women exist but you must know other women who have had bad experiences?

Edited

Save one or two nutters, the posters trying to shame OP are not women.

EmmaEmerald · 25/02/2024 01:33

@Needtonamechange9 I'm about to go to bed but I hope you're okay, what a grim experience.
Please don't let the batshit replies affect you.

@Kattenburg I don't know, the number of the replies saying "poor sweet man"....just by demographics and names I know from being a regular, there's a very worrying number of women who can't see what the issue is. Which is just....I'm speechless.

CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk · 25/02/2024 01:37

I absolutley agree with you OP. for me alarm bells ring that he wanted to meet at 10pm for a first date- why so late? He was obviously doing something first. I assume all along he was seeing the person he was with, and yes I expect he was chancing his luck to see what he could get away with. It seems that a very large majority of men in OLD seem to live in a porn fantasy world where they think we are all desperate for threesomes- well almost all the ones I've met do.
Being outrageously late is not OK especially on a first date firstly and 48 year old man who is unaware enough not to realise its 'off' from a safety point of view to ask a woman he's not met before to come round late at night to his place- of course its very odd. It screams of ulterior motives.i wouldn't waste the brain space on it now. Absolutley annoying though. Id be fuming.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 25/02/2024 01:37

Just for the record, aside from responding to what this guy did / didn't do...

a) agreeing to meet at 9.30 / 10pm on a Saturday night, does not mean you are definitely up for, expecting, inviting or encouraging sex.

b) to everyone criticising the OP for travelling to the date rather than getting the guy to travel to you... again when OLD I never used to tell dates exactly where I lived and always preferred to travel further afield rather than inviting potential stalkers into my local area where I would often be walking home late at night. This is a sensible tactic, and does not make OP look desperate (as suggested by some victim blaming posters) 🙄🤦‍♀️

heyheymamaway · 25/02/2024 01:38

I think you were right.

fatphalange · 25/02/2024 01:39

He's an absolute weirdo. I sorry you've been treated like this but well done on being wise to his game. He thought he'd got you all the way there, what's an extra 5 mins...come round, oh btw my mate is joining us...ffs!

Firefly1987 · 25/02/2024 01:43

Brazenhussy0 · 25/02/2024 01:23

This^ post was several pages back and bang on imo.

I haven't posted on MN in years but the sheer stupidity and/or naivety in these replies has got my piss boiling. OP, you are not insane and you were not overreacting. Your gut instinct did exactly what it needed to do to keep you safe - never second guess that instinct.

If he did have another woman at his home with him, then yes, chances are he was hoping to turn in into a threesome and it was probably a woman he's sexually involved with.
However, what's also possible (and perhaps more likely) is that he was planning to harm you in some way and was using the "female friend" story to lull you into a false sense of security, so that you would go meet him at his house rather than in the safety of a public place. As someone else up-thread pointed out, he also tried to obtain your address by offering to get you an Uber.

Regardless, it's deeply alarming to see how many posters here think he was the one who had a lucky escape... there are a lot of very predatory men out there in the wild, and if your gut tells you something is off, listen to it. Do not listen to random posters on MN whose heads apparently button up the back 🙄

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Well if you're that worried just ask that he put the woman on the phone for a min if she's really there? Then there's no need to just assume he's obviously a serial killer...also women can go round male friends houses without it automatically meaning sex. He also said he was gonna be 15 mins-so she could've just insisted she waits for him to turn up (which he apparently did but she'd gone by then so we'll never know will we) also assuming OP is MUCH younger because this isn't the behaviour of a woman in her 40s (hopefully)

Bullet dodged for both anyway-it's obvious this female friend would have to be the first to go if they ever started dating properly. OP doesn't sound like she'd be fine with him having any female friends at all.

Ilovetea13 · 25/02/2024 01:47

Does seem a bit strange..

If I'd never met him before I certainly wouldn't be going round to his house alone "to chill" although I am very paranoid in that way so I'd of been wary too him suggesting that.

But it does actually sound like a friend randomly turned up and he was too nice to tell her to leave(which he should of as he was about to go on a date!) and I don't get the vibe that he was trying to initiate a threesome - but you never actually know and good for you having your senses on!

Let it go op you did the right thing, regardless of all that he let u down and didn't turn up to the arranged date for hours so you were right to of left.

MrsCatE · 25/02/2024 01:47

Who all these loons saying you owe him an apology??! Fuck no! You dodged a bullet. He could have a tight bastard but I'm verging on your take!

HollyJollyHolidays · 25/02/2024 01:49

I’m definitely getting creepy vibes from
his texts too- don’t believe his story for one minute. I think you’d have got there and his ‘friend’ wouldn’t have been there.

An ordinary man wouldn’t have been so willing to still want you there for the ‘nice music’ after being accused of lying/wanting a threesome etc.

I do think you jumped to the wrong conclusion about the threesome- but your intuition was telling you that he wasn’t being honest about something. Would definitely block!

Saltandpeppero · 25/02/2024 01:49

5YearsLeft · 25/02/2024 00:10

Yeah, I don’t know if the posters disagreeing with you have not been online dating lately but OP doesn’t seem to weird to me at all, because this is pretty much exactly how it goes. If a man tries to get you to his place the first time you meet, he expects sex, yes. The “we’ll have a good night” line would DEFINITELY make me think he was pushing a threesome, because OP is right, he’s typing and talking like he’s already had quite a bit to drink with a female friend. And then even when he claimed he’d gotten his “friend” to leave, he STILL tried to pressure OP to come to his. No, just no, and a no again. And then he finally gave up and came out. After an hour of trying to convince her to come to his. His friend has a lot of relationship problems but she wants to hang out with a stranger and listen to music? And she’s already been drinking with him? I think you’ve made a good call, @Needtonamechange9 .

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Yeah I immediately unmatch people on OLD who ask me to come round on a first date. It’s only happened a couple of times but I find it deeply disrespectful and of course potentially dangerous. It’s like they’re trying to use women on OLD as unpaid sex workers.

And the pressuring her to come round is a red flag too.

It’s not outlandish to think it might’ve been a threesome he was trying to arrange because sadly this kind of thing isn’t that rare. Also agree with the poster who said a grown man is unlikely to mess a potential future sex partner about for a platonic friend having boyfriend issues.

A lot of naivety on this thread . Someone even mentioned he was articulate?? So, what does that mean? He can be disrespectful via grammatically sound sentences? The bar is so incredibly low for some people.

OP you should be proud of yourself for being safe and putting an end to his disrespect.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/02/2024 01:55

Besttobe8001 · 24/02/2024 23:14

Are you all reading different messages from me??

On a first date and he wanted her to go to his place and chill with some random woman she doesn't know?

Of course he was testing her boundaries, any person with self respect and self preservation would say FUCK NO to that preposterous suggestion.

This

I find it hilarious that some posters can't see it. I can only think they don't have any recent dating experience.

10pm on a Saturday night with an invite to a strangers house with some random woman. Of course it was in the hope of a threesome.

I'm staggered at the naivety on here.

Kattenburg · 25/02/2024 01:55

Firefly1987 · 25/02/2024 01:43

Well if you're that worried just ask that he put the woman on the phone for a min if she's really there? Then there's no need to just assume he's obviously a serial killer...also women can go round male friends houses without it automatically meaning sex. He also said he was gonna be 15 mins-so she could've just insisted she waits for him to turn up (which he apparently did but she'd gone by then so we'll never know will we) also assuming OP is MUCH younger because this isn't the behaviour of a woman in her 40s (hopefully)

Bullet dodged for both anyway-it's obvious this female friend would have to be the first to go if they ever started dating properly. OP doesn't sound like she'd be fine with him having any female friends at all.

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You don't get it. A random you've talked with on OLD isn't your friend. You don't know them.

SheepAndSword · 25/02/2024 01:56

@Needtonamechange9 I think you reacted a bit oddly as you felt threatened - that was really late for a first date as well, was the place noisy?

Hope you can meet someone who doesn't keep messing you around and changing the parameters, please make it much earlier next time!

changedagain67543 · 25/02/2024 02:00

How can anyone not be on OP’s side?! Guy’s a weird bellend!

Saltandpeppero · 25/02/2024 02:00

to everyone criticising the OP for travelling to the date rather than getting the guy to travel to you... again when OLD I never used to tell dates exactly where I lived and always preferred to travel further afield rather than inviting potential stalkers into my local area where I would often be walking home late at night. This is a sensible tactic, and does not make OP look desperate (as suggested by some victim blaming posters)

I do this too and once when a guy was insisting on knowing where I live before we even met for a first date I just unmatched him. Most are ok with not knowing…I just tell them I’m 20 mins train journey from nearest main city and we can meet there. I live in the centre of a small/medium sized market town and I’m distinctive for a couple of reasons. It wouldn’t be hard for some weirdo to track me down.

changedagain67543 · 25/02/2024 02:02

Do the people who think op is BU also think the tantrum two hour train lady was NBU because honestly wtf. This is a clear case of op correctly calling it whereas train lady massively overreacted! Be interested to know how others voted on that one

Is this an age divide thing or what?!

rubyredknowsitall · 25/02/2024 02:02

taylorswift1989 · 25/02/2024 00:50

Who knows wtf was going on there. I would have waited 15 mins and left without any messages sent. If he was a decent guy who wanted to date you, you would not be sitting alone in a bar asking him where he was. Always drop guys the first time they show you disrespect. Don't bother getting into big discussions about it.

Nah, you need to enjoy a drink by yourself at the botanist first. Message a few mates while drinking it slowly and relaxing a little. Takes more than 15 mins to finish a good drink 😊

If he suddenly turns up, tell him to shove of and go on your merry way

That'd be my plan of action anyway

SD1978 · 25/02/2024 02:02

Going from what he's actually said to sordid threesome so quickly is a complete over reaction on that front. Saying no to going there to meet him and a random friend absolutely reasonable.