To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

This! With (alarm) bells on!

Beware of who you are speaking to online. You might have been messaging for a couple of months but you do not know this man.

He's portrayed himself as a nice guy. A father. A caring friend to females in crisis. Then he's invited you over to his home, which of course if safe because there is another woman there.
No one in their right mind goes to a complete stranger's house alone late at night!
Forget your wild jump to conclusions of a threesome (which was weird and crazy) - I'd say you've had a lucky escape here.
A first date should be a coffee or lunch in a cafe in daytime. It's safe, and in case it doesn't go well it's short.

And that whole back and forth conversation could have been done in less than a minute if you'd both picked up the phone instead of writing endless drawn out messages!!

The timing of the date wasn't the issue here. Nice guys are able to be respectful regardless of the time you agree to meet. Lots of people don't go out until much later in the evening (for various reasons).

Oh I wouldn't like it - perhaps showing my age as I'm 40s! There are transport issues as it gets later as well.

But yeah it was incredibly disrespectful of him not to show until OP had waited an hour then given up and gone home. If he did show.

Really strange message and no you are not overreacting or crazy, some of these posters sound very naive and quite misogynistic with their gaslighting and telling you HE had the lucky escape. Piss off, incels.

Sounds like he just wanted to get you to his house. Because he's such a nice guy, taking care of a female friend.

You get there and she's gone.... then what? He's so nice, he was looking after a friend, if you question him you're the bad guy. Because so caring.

Nope. You trusted your gut and you were correct to do so.

Well done.

I’ve never done OLD (thank Christ) but it’s clear to me too that he was hinting at a threesome.

Also in this day and age who just turns up at someone’s house without texting first?! Load of tosh!

Weird how he kept trying to get you to go to his house.. glad you followed your instincts, the whole interaction is off.

Could of been a genuine friend in need your right for not going to his if it was a first date and do not really know him. It would of been better for him to come to where he was originally going to meet you.

Actually, maybe I’m now going into EXTREME paranoia on OP’s behalf, and I’ve probably listened to too many podcasts but…

Now I’m thinking @Needtonamechange9 may have dodged a much more dangerous situation than she realized. First red flag may actually be that he offered to send an Uber for you before the date. I’ve actually never had a date try to do this, because they’re usually smart enough to know that women are advised not to give unknown men their address or control over their transportation. To send an Uber, you would have had to give him your address and then he could have given it his address instead of the Botanist under the pretext that he “just lives five minutes away.”

And maybe instead of a threesome, as I did suspect, the female friend was supposed to indicate that his house was “safe” for OP, as a PP said, because he’s a guy that comforts his female friends, and because another female would be present, allegedly.

I have no idea what would have happened if OP:

1. you either had let him order you an Uber or
2. You had gone to his house and there was no other woman there.

All in all, whether he’s an idiot, a sex pest, a criminal like I’m thinking at 2am, ha, definitely best to just chuck it in the ‘fuck no’ bucket.

To me it sounded like he was trying to get the OP back to his place and was saying that another woman was there to make it seem like a safe thing to do. I think you made the right decision, Needtonamechange9.

And the other thing to bear in mind is if something bad did happen, and OP went to the police, they would say 'why did you go over there then?' and dismiss her, because women are so rarely believed in these situations.

He just sounds manipulative and dishonest and creepy and I bet had she met him in public and face to face she would have worked those things out and not seen him again.

People can come across well in messages and you meet them and every instinct screams RUN!

Was he trying to avoid that outcome by getting her to his place?

We we won't know now because she trusted her instincts and didn't go there.

I assumed he meant threesome

It doesn't sound like a good situation all round, to be honest.

Assuming that he wasn't trying to set up a threesome, it still sounds as though there are things going on in his life which would mean that dating him would involve various tricksy arrangements and regular disappointments.

Something which does strike me as odd is that he couldn't see why a woman whom he has never actually met would agree to coming to his address very late at night. Why would you ever want to do that?

You mention that he has children; if one of them is a daughter and if she told him as an adult that this had happened to her and that she had gone to the guy's house anyway, he would be having an absolute fit. No decent man of my acquaintance would think it reasonable for a woman to go round to the house of a guy she doesn't know late at night.

I can't say that he is a thoroughly bad person with evil intentions but I do think that he is rather odd and has poor judgement. I suspect that dates with him would show you this on several occasions.

Something I would advise you to do in the future is to always suggest that a first date is a Saturday or Sunday afternoon for coffee and cake.

That would be much safer.

If a guy won't see you in the afternoon on a weekend, look for someone else who can.

I know how awful you must be feeling tonight, as you clearly invested a lot in meeting up with this guy.

I don't know whether he will contact you again. If he does ask to meet up, only agree to meet for coffee in the afternoon.

I'm not totally sure that he will ask to see you; I suspect that he has a lot of irons in the fire, to be honest.

Is he quite a lot older than you, by the way?

Be sure to nurture yourself this weekend and don't dwell on what has happened. I know that you feel grim now, but you will feel better soon.

Two bullets here that luckily avoided each other.

It sounds to me like his intention from the start was to get you to his house. The very late date, the offer of an uber, the story of a female in distress at his house when you didn't take up the uber offer. It all sounds weird and creepy and I'm so relieved for you that you went home because fuck knows what situation you would have found yourself in if you'd ended up there. Ignore all the batshit replies on here OP and trust your instincts. Definitely dont arrange first meet ups so late again.

Your responses read a bit OTT but yanbu to be freaked out.

As pp have said it's weird to invite you over in that situation. If he really has a female friend who is too upset to leave to keep an important arrangement with you, she isn't going to appreciate him plonking a first date into the conversation anyway.

he should have either called you and canceled or asked her to leave and kept his appointment.

Something is off there.

I'm not sure the female friend existed. Maybe it was a ruse to get you over there. I mean, he seemed able to ditch her when you were having none of it.
If she did exist, then it's weird that he didn't say to her 'sorry, I've got a date. But I'll catch up with you tomorrow.'
I mean, who would want to hang out in a three on a first date

This.

He was either setting up a threesome or lying about the existence of a female friend just get OP to his place.

he seemed able to ditch her when you were having none of it.

Exactly. And I'm dismayed to see how many women here cannot see through him. Like, he's not even subtle about it.

I don't think he wanted to go to the botanical garden, but was interested in getting you over to his place. If a friend really did turn up feeling upset he still could tell her he is on his way to a date and plan call her soon. Or maybe he made her being there up so you'd feel comfortable going over there.

I am team OP here! This guy clearly had an agenda to get her to his place

This shows the importance of punctuation. He was agreeing with you that it was your first date and said ‘no I wouldn’t say that (suggest a threesome), it’s our first date’.

He was incredibly rude changing plans last minute, and his messages are very all over the place, maybe he’s just young and not articulating himself properly. I’d be furious if I got an Uber to this bar and he wasn’t there as planned. I’m not sure he was actually suggesting a threesome though. But nevertheless, for the change of plans and the suggesting you go straight to his place for the “date” (red flags and potentially very dangerous) I would just block and move on.

@Firefly1987 you are talking utter shite

Take no notice of the shamers on here I think you did the right thing. You were meeting the guy for the very first time (so probably a bit nervous) and he changed up on you, asking you to go to his house, alone. He could have been lying about a woman being there, and even if he wasn’t it would have changed the dynamic of your first date. Even if I knew a work colleague quite well, I still wouldn’t feel safe going to his home for a first date. Has mumsnet forgotten that most women are raped and attacked by someone they know. There’s a lot of creeps and manipulative men out there. I mean have we forgotten how people like Ted Bundy operated. You may of had a lucky escape. A gentleman would have kept to the arrangements and wouldn’t have pressured you by asking you to his place at the last minute.

Also the same women who are calling you a drama queen and saying you are over reacting would be victim shaming you if you went to his home and were assaulted. Would they be happy for their own daughter/niece to meet a practical stranger in a none public setting I wonder.

I don’t think you overreacted, OP, but even if you did jump the gun on the threesome accusation I think that was all to the good. Its something I learned traveling alone through south asia. Better to make a huge public fuss to discourage predators than pussyfoot around trying to back out of a dangerous situation without embarrassing anyone. Who cares whether you were right or wrong: he won’t approach you again. And that is best.

I think op had all the right boundaries, her instincts were right, I would have also thought threesome, but it diverted op into not thinking about a more sinister scenario.

I hope this isn't a regular scam he practices, if so, old Seb needs reporting.

I know nothing of internet dating but I hope the more naive women don't ever go to someones house on the first date, it appears there are many on here who would have given him the benefit of the doubt, frightening.