To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

Because this thread shouldn’t be about judging OP.

The question is about whether she was reasonable to leave this date and the answer is Yes.

I think the OP is right! He was hinting at a threesome. Why keep mentioning her gender? Why would a female friend just show up to your house on a Saturday night conveniently at a time when he was about to leave. It was all set up. You didn’t overreact, you trusted your gut and he sounds a total weirdo!

However your insistence that he was proposing a threesome is bizarre.

Yet, according to a number of posters who showed or described the situation to men, that’s exactly the conclusion the men came to.

Yeah and even if OP was wrong about the threesome attempt (and she wasn't wrong imo), the rest in itself is just fucking red flag central. A man expecting a woman he's meeting for the first time to feel comfortable going to his house as a last minute change of plan, to sit with not only him but (allegedly) also a "female friend" who's conveniently having a life crisis at the precise time of his date, for the 3 of them to sit and talk about her crisis?? Jesus you'd have to be born yesterday to believe any of that.

This. If it had been someone you had already met and knew well I’d have said you massively overreacted, but as you haven’t even met him the whole scenario sounds very off. It sounds like you had a lucky escape. You have no idea if he is who he says he is.

If those screen shots are genuine, I'd be wary of a man aged 48 who says 'he really likes me' when all he knows of you is online chat.

Forget all the banter around 3-somes.

The main point of this is -

It took 2 months to agree a date (is he married still?)
He wants to meet at 10 pm (and he's 48.) Do middle aged men start a date at 10pm?
He lives near the venue (how handy) and orders OP a taxi.

@Needtonamechange9 Are you 48 too - or close? Please set your bar higher. Get your own transport (or don't drink so you can drive.)
Don't meet a new man at 10pm in a bar.

The odds are he was going to fill you up with cocktails and then walk you back to his house (and no Ubers would be available.)

I'm torn between she was fictitious to lure OP there, or she was real and he was chancing his arm for a threesome once she was there. I'm more in the latter camp I think.

I'm most definitely a dinosaur and back in the Jurassic (circa 1980) this scenario would have set off nuclear sirens to anyone sensible. That would of course have been predicated on the fact that OP/Flake would probably have already met in real life and the only way Flake could have contacted her is by phoning the bar and relaying messages via the barman.

Makes bad behaviour so much easier, the modern world.

Also another key tip op: never have a first date near the guys home. He should be the one to make more of the effort. Make it in the middle/closer to you!!

A guy who generally dates near to his home is either not really interested in you , or trying to get a hookup, or not super romantic or banging out many dates a week and is trying to simplify his life.

My mind would've went to the same place as you OP, had some similar experienes using Tinder when I was single around 7/8 years ago

Yes. Exactly. 2 months of messaging and he can't even be arsed to arrive on time? Very disrespectful. I wouldn't have entertained any of this bullshit. Throw it back, go home and move on. A decent man just doesn't behave this way.

And also - if I'd arranged to meet someone for a date (leaving aside the weird time of 10pm🤨), and then a random "friend" did in fact coincidentally turn up unannounced due to a life crisis, making me late, the FIRST thing I'd do is say "let me just message my date as I had plans this evening, I'll let him know I'm running late and why and either rearrange or push it back later". Then I'd be immediately message the date and apologise / push it back / rearrange, before dealing with the "friend" in crisis. By which time, any real friend with an ounce of emotional intelligence and empathy would realise it wasn't a good time and likely say, "oh no don't cancel your plans, I turned up unannounced, I'm so sorry - you go in your date and we can catch up later".

None of it rings true, at all. This was totally pre planned by him.

Your reaction is very ott. You could have jyst said "Whilst i appreciate your friend may be having a tough time we had arranged to meet at this time and you could have simply told her you had plans or cancelled with me. I don't go to people's houses on the first date so I decline your offer to come over. This doesn't leave a great impression as a first date"

He should have let you know earlier than he did but you DO seem hung up on thinking he wanted a Threesome. Where did that come from ? I have had friends round, often, and we have never all ended up in the sack together .

I would chalk it to experience and move on personally

I haven’t read the whole thread but the whole thing sounds as dodgy as hell.

A female friend? Why would he need to emphasise ‘female’ if it was genuine? I’d be like “oh sorry a friend came over won’t be long” then tell said friend that they were welcome to stay but I have a date. It was totally a ploy to get you there and seems ultra creepy. There probably was no friend - god knows what his intentions were. Well done for not falling for it. Even if it was totally genuine, why on earth would anyone take the risk?

I’m also intrigued how much you spent on a 30 minute Uber ride! There and back - blimey. Around here, it’s pricey for a journey under 10 mins.

Posters are getting so bogged down about Op going on about a threesome.

That may or may not have been his hope but there's so much else wrong that it doesn't really matter that that was Op's thought.

Of course it was right to leave.

Sure. Just have a think about the messages you’re sending on this thread. And why you sent them.
Have a great day.

And also a gentleman with an ounce of emotional intelligence doesn't invite a woman to his home on a first date without meeting her first even if it IS innocent because he knows it looks creepy as fuck!!

He certainly sounds flaky and not quite right: who would introduce a stranger to a friend in emotional distress? And expect a good night to ensue.

But you sound highly reactive and a bit aggressive.

Whatever is going on it’s not working.

It seems deeply weird that he told you all this. Like if I was him and my friend turned up I'd say, sorry, I'm going out on a date so you'll have to make yourself scarce. Not try and get the date round my house with the friend as well. But it still doesn't scream threesome? He did not seem to be saying anything to do with sex. Surely a first date would not just be round his for a shag, let alone a threesome? I don't think he was being that cheeky.
Still a weirdo and right to have left.

Yes, I originally thought it more likely the female friend was non-existent and just made up to lure OP back to his place "since it's only 5 minutes away", but having read other replies I'm more leaning towards threesome too. Either way, no chance was this genuine. Literally zero chance. None of it stacks up.

Well how remarkably restrained of you, but if you didn’t think it was an invitation to a threesome on what grounds would you have blown him out, seeing as you seem to believe his claim to have been comforting a damsel in distress? Doesn’t that paint him in a favourable light if you have fallen for that (cock and bull) story?

I also am deeply puzzled that so many people think you were unreasonable. I’m not sure what question they think they were answering.

I can't believe how many people think the friend story was real.

How many of you have gone to any friends house, late at night, unannounced, because of boyfriend trouble?

You'd ring or text first, at the very least.

It was absolute bullshit.

A first date at a cocktail place at 10pm, five minutes from his home? He was testing you out to see how low your boundaries were. As others have said, a first date with someone you've met on SM should always be for coffee, for no more than an hour and in a busy place during daylight hours. Any woman who doesn't stick to that tells the man she's desperate/ naive/ reckless. A decent man wouldn't ask you to meet at that time in those circumstances. So you dodged a bullet.

Jumping instantly to the conclusion that he was trying to organise a threesome looked OTT. A sardonic message such as 'You realise that this sounds suspiciously like you're trying to set up a threesome?' would have made you seem less paranoid and accusatory, followed by a 'Bye' and blocking him.