To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

There was definitely something off with him.

I don't know if I'd have jumped to the threesome conclusion (because I think he was lying about a friend turning up), but he was definitely trying to get you to his flat instead of meeting in public.

You did the right thing. Fuck this guy and all the posters telling you you're weird/overreacting/owe him an apology

If only everyone was as astute and clever as you hey?!! Have a medal.

“Going from what he's actually said to sordid threesome so quickly is a complete over reaction on that front. Saying no to going there to meet him and a random friend absolutely reasonable.”

This. @Needtonamechange9 - your leap reads oddly.

But your reaction to him changing the parameters of your date was completely fine. And your refusal to go to his house under any circumstances was completely reasonable.

He may be a nice guy but he’s clearly not that interested in meeting up with you. I find it hard to believe that in 2 months of chatting, you weren’t able to meet up when you live so near each other. The danger with chatting for a long time on-line is that it’s easy to get a false sense of friendship and intimacy. In this case, for him it seems to have taken the place of a any real desire to meet you in person.

PS: asked DH - he doesn’t assume a 3-some was intended but he does think that the suggestion that there was already a woman there might have been intended to make you feel secure about going round when in fact his intent was dangerous. He rolled his eyes at the suggestion that this guy is just really sweet.

How would your messages have read in a similar situation then, if you suspected your date was trying to lure you to his house for a threesome having already left you waiting like a spare prick at the wedding for an hour in some bar in town?

Nice try. You don’t give a fuck about her personal safety. Too late to pretend now.

Currently on holiday with a group of friends and read his invite message to the table. All 4 men instantly said 'he wanted a threesome.' But that he purposefully said it in a way that he could plead innocence. They think intentions were clear in meeting you so late and so close to his flat.

I agree. You weren't being unreasonable to leave the date. The responses from a lot on here are beggars belief. Some women set a very low bar which is why men get away with this crap behaviour.

Anyone who doesn't realise this is an attempt to set up a threesome is incredibly naive! You did the right thing OP.

He behaved incredibly badly whether or not you were right about the sex stuff. Good on you for not accepting his crap.

MN is full of misogynists, many of them women. Jumping up and down to defend men. Every. Time. Making out the woman to be unhinged and over reacting.

It is depressing.

Is this the kind of first date these women dream about?!

Oh look the sheep are now defending their bullying

Something was off that’s all that matters in this scenario and the op sensed this and don’t play along and kept herself safe

I sincerely hope no one on here would berate a friend for not keep themselves safe in a similar situation

I think he was being very sketchy. I'm surprised people are saying you're overreacting. Most normal people would say I'm so sorry but I'm due somewhere.

You've given this guy way too much attention. You arrived he wasn't there. I'd have just fucked off home and forgotten about it, he was flaky and rude. No need for all those messages.

Well firstly I wouldn’t assume it was a threesome, I’d have been more concerned about my safety and the disrespect of him trying to change the goalposts so my message (singular) would been along the lines of ‘this is not ok for me. I’m going home and won’t be in contact again’ and I’d have blocked. Mind you, I wouldn’t have waited an hour either.

I think you did the right thing. He could have met you at the original place with his friend, no need for you to go back to his and I think that's dodgy on a first date, maybe a threesome, maybe making you feel safe to go as another woman there or maybe he just couldn't be bothered to go and meet you. Any which way you didn't feel comfortable, he wasn't reasonable and you did the right thing.

@Needtonamechange9 the comments on this thread are weird and most people’s dating standards are in the MUD or they’re just dinosaurs who don’t understand modern dating etiquette.

Because let’s be real, a man inviting you to his home on the first date is looking for action. This whole I’ve got a girl there…is VERY strange!!

You’ve dodged a massive bullet. A guy that likes you will take you out on a date and won’t stand you up. Plus if he had an actual emergency- he’ll give you plenty notice so that you don’t go to the date and wait for him.

I repeat, a man that wants you will move heaven to be with you. They would take you on a date and not tell you to come to their home were wires could be crossed.

I completely get why you thought he wanted a threesome as he was inviting you to his home on the first date with her there.

most people saying you’ve overreacted are strange. They’re the same ones who probably go on make posts about their disastrous relationships. Do not inherit their (frankly) embarrassingly low dating standards.

You don’t know whether or not I care about it so you don’t get to claim that you do. Nice try, though.

As if the female friend randomly turned up to discuss boyfriend trouble. Even if it was true (it wasn’t) why would op want to spend the evening discussing that? Weird set up all round. Don’t believe a word.

Quite shocked at the number of posters who believe him/feel sorry for him/think op is mad. I imagine they have never done online dating. Most men spend the whole time getting as many women back to theirs as possible, usually inviting you for ‘food.’ Sometimes they are too tired or unwell to go out, but you can still go round theirs. Or in my case, because I had children, spent the whole time trying to invite themselves to my place with a bottle of wine after the children were in bed aka get a shag as soon as possible.

He'd have to have some bollocks to have been on a 7pm date, not managed to get rid of her on time to meet up with OP, so suggest they all just party on together at his house.

There are multiple scenarios as to what his motives were but all of them a lucky escape for OP.

I wouldn’t have bothered messaging him after he didn’t turn up, but yes he sounds bloody weird. Who on earth would think it’s ok to stand you up then ask you to come to his house to hang out with his female friend?

If it’s real then if you’re about to leave for a date and a friend turns up unexpectedly then you say sorry but I’m meeting someone, I’ll ring you tomorrow, I’ll bet he wouldn’t be late for work in the same circumstances.

However there probably was no female friend, he just wanted to get you to his house without the expense of dinner, whatever it was you’ve definitely dodged a bullet there.

He sounds like an absolute weirdo and a rude one at that. He left you sitting there at 10pm after travelling for 30 mins to meet him. He didn't message to say sorry I'm running a bit late and then didn't say to his friend really sorry but I'm just on my way out we'll catch up tomorrow. I'd say the threesome is a bit of a stretch but it doesn't matter anyway because he sounds like an idiot so just block and move on.
I definitely wouldn't be travelling to meet a first date especially at that time. I always do a late morning coffee or a dog walk, meet in the middle and gave my car so I can leave ASAP if needed.

You were right to leave because he left you waiting, is unreliable and immature.

However your insistence that he was proposing a threesome is bizarre.

Exactly.

And how thoroughly depressing that 58% think OP is the unreasonable one for daring to voice her displeasure at what is clearly a set up.

After speaking for 2 months then making the effort to go all that way and be essentially stood up?

“Female friend” was a fictitious smokescreen to put OP at ease so that she went to his house, which conveniently was round the corner from the date location he’d happened to suggest.

There was a reason he suggested meeting for a first date at 10pm, in a venue right by his house and it wasn’t sitting talking long into the night.

I bet he does this all the time. The creepy fucking chancer.

I'd really like to know if the people saying she overreacted have ever done online dating because anyone that has understands that absolutely no one can be trusted and OP was right to have her guard up.
He didn't sound like a great guy, the wanted to meet at 10 was a red flag to start but the weird shit about the friend and saying let's have fun together and all that I've got my music on - is odd af behaviour.
Good luck to anyone naive enough to think this was all perfectly acceptable if they ever find themselves OLD

Out of interest what do you think she should have done? Politely headed back on the 30 minute drive home thinking what a lovely chap he is helping out a friend ?

Gone to his house for a lovely intimate evening in his (a complete strangers) home?

OP for future reference get a quick daytime coffee date booked in as soon as someone seems like a potential and never invest more than a couple of weeks in someone you have never met.