To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

I did wonder that.

Wow - what a major overreaction! It was bad form of him to back out on your date for whatever reason but wow - maybe have a sit down with yourself and have a think about why your mind immediately went to the idea he was trying to initiate a threesome.

If the OP transferred them to a computer, to post, maybe that was innocent as other threads have been deleted for posting genuine screen shots of private chats.

If you think she's a troll, report.

I swear to god, when men act like dickheads, women are conditioned to tell the victim of the dickheadery all the things they gave done wrong. And how our response to the dickeadery should be different. It must be in our DNA.

Op...you had the absolute right to be pissed off. You travelled 30 minutes by uber on a Sat night to see a man you were emotionally invested in. He was late with a crap explanation and without letting you know (you had to text him) and tested your boundaries.

This is a 46 year old man. 46 year old men don't normally have platonic women friends turn up on their door with out prior notice on a Sat night.

Don't worry whether your response was over the top, he is a swarmy git and you (and womankind) are better of without him.

Also hard to believe a man would Passover a woman/potential girlfriend he’s been talking to for months and can’t wait to meet, for a friend. They just don’t do that stuff. Something doesn’t add up.

Yup!!

We just all got derailed by the threesome detail 🫠

Your reaction and fixation on sex was really weird. He sounded nice. I wouldn't have gone to his house for safety reasons, but would have told him that if his friend was really in need I would either wait till later or reschedule the date if necessary. I think this man dodged a bullet...

I am absolutely stunned that anyone thinks that YABU. I am usually very aligned with what the majority of Mumsnet vote. I voted YANBU and was shocked that 95% hadn’t voted the same.

This guys behaviour and words has red flags all over it. My initial reaction to his messages also jumped to he is trying to lure you to his flat for a threesome or him and his female partner are looking for a sexual partner together. I maybe wouldn’t have texted him that though - I would have just said that I feel uncomfortable with his suggestion and that I would only meet a first date in a public place.

Red flags to start:

• Suggesting 10pm as a first date
• Not showing up at the agreed time
• Not messaging you as soon as he knew he was going to be late when the “friend” showed up. He waited for you to say hey where are you.

And then I either think:

1. The friend doesn’t exist. He was trying to lure you to his house on a first date. He thought the mention of a female being at his house would make you feel safer to go to his house. You would turn up and she will have just left 5 minutes ago, so you might as well just come in, no point going back to the bar. It backfired and after a bit of persuasion he realised you weren’t going to come, so he went back to trying to meet you at the bar. His motives were either a hookup without any effort of wining/dining. Or he is dodgy as hell.
2. He is trying to orchestrate a threesome with two random girls. Or him and his female partner are looking for a third person for a hookup.

You 100% did the right thing. Block and don’t look back.

You did exactly the right thing. It was bad manners of him and potentially very unsafe. No man would expect your first date to be at his house. And then he says it isn't?

I agree it was too late. But then again I've run out of steam by 10!

Nope, you are in the wrong. Nothing to do with conditioning, you just jumped to every wrong conclusion. He’s had a lucky escape!

I can't believe people are voting YABU! You are absolutely right OP, I think he was trying to initiate a threesome. He should have prioritised your date. You've had a lucky escape xxx

Something similar happened to me once. Met someone in a bar on a night out, we exchanged numbers. Arranged a date (a daytime one though) and I got a train over to him. He text me as I was already on my way and said my friend Amy has turned up, shes quite upset, do you mind if she comes to the cinema with us? I said I didn't like that idea (I was already quite nervous) so he asked her to leave. Date went on as planned. I remember thinking it was strange but never once did I assume he wanted a threesome.
We actually ended up in a relationship and he's the father of my eldest child. I will add that Amy ended up being a bone of contention as I found out they were more of a friends with benefits thing (before me) and I wasn't comfortable with her hanging around him all of the time.

People are repeatedly calling him a ‘poor guy’ and the OP ‘batshit’ and a ‘psycho’ (I thought there were more feminists on here) - for being pissed off that he wanted her to go over there late at night with another woman to have some drinks and listen to some music for a first date… no no let’s focus our efforts on making the woman feel like shit for being pissed off rather than on the bloke for acting like a shitty human being.

There’s no need for you to repeat to get your point across, it doesn’t make me feel silly if that’s what you were going for?

FWIW I don’t think you’re crazy to assume he might be planning this BUT…

there wasn’t enough evidence for you to make the claim.

you were right to bail, but why bother arguing? Just say ‘ok, maybe another time.’ And leave it at that.

I don’t know many (any) men that sign off every message with ‘x’- either this is made up or the OP should have run a mile when he started signing off like that.

I’m going to be the minority here but I think it all sounds dodge and I think you had a lucky escape OP. I’m not sure about the threesome thing, who knows what he was trying to achieve here. The fact a female friend shows up out of the blue and he can’t bring himself to turn her away sounds very odd when he’s suppose to be on his way out the door for a date. Second weird thing here is, who shows up to someone’s door at 10pm unannounced nowadays? Wouldn’t she have text him and does she not have her own female friends to discuss boyfriend trouble with. Third weird thing is why does he think you a person who he hasn’t met yet would want to sit and hang out with you and his female friend at his house, a bunch of strangers hanging out together talking about what? boy trouble? So weird. I don’t think you over reacted OP. Something is not right with this guy. He sounds either really young or really naive.

I think him asking to bring his female friend along for the date vs asking OP to go round his to
join him and female friend for drinks and music changes the narrative completely in this scenario.

Exactly.

What the hell 😂
All the men I know put kisses on the end of their messages, from my brother to my male work friends.

This

Well maybe I should have repeated it again as you’ve clearly missed my point, and that of others.

Nobody is calling her batshit or psycho for being pissed off at the change of plan and his expectation that she’d go over to his. Claiming they are doing that is disingenuous. People are calling her batshit and psycho for her leap to assuming that he wanted a threesome, badgering him about it, accusing him of having been drinking, the ‘who is she, an ex?’ comment, the 0-100 reaction. That is what people think is batshit, not her unwillingness to go to his house.

What’s nice about him? The fact that he left OP waiting in a bar on a Saturday night for almost an hour ? The fact that he initially didn’t even update her when he was running late - when really that should’ve been the first thing he did if he wasn’t willing to turn his friend away, or was it more the idea that he was willing to mess about a prearranged date for a “friend” who turned up unannounced?

Or was it the inviting OP to his house on a first date and expecting her to make all the effort and put herself in a vulnerable situation, instead of making the effort to go out for drinks with her do it for you ?

Or maybe it’s the trying to invite someone else along to what was meant to be a date? I really can’t see why anyone is saying he is nice or be dodged a bullet. This man is incredibly dim and tactless at best, dangerous at worst.

If this hasn't been said already, OP, you LOST the plot in an instant.

You came across as cray-cray! Seriously. He came across as pretty genuine and normal, and he responded to your accusations with a lot of patience. He definitely had a lucky escape.

I think it's hugely disrespectful to ask someone to travel to meet you for a first date and then not be on time.

It's also ridiculous to ask you to then further travel to his home, which is against all sensible dating etiquette. That's regardless of whether his gate crashing friend is there or not.

His messages don't seem to recognise that it's a massive let down for you and especially so if you've been building up to this for 2 months.

I didn't immediately think threesome (although I suppose if there's been any previous sexting along these lines that might change my mind) but I would have assumed it was a hook up from the start for him and you were asked to go to somewhere nearby so he could then persuade you to travel another five mins and then he could pester you for ssx.

Yeah this 👆