To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

I think he sounds a weirdo.
Who has a friend randomly turn up with a sudden emergency. Plus I’m getting a few red flags from the whole “I want a relationship with you” back and forth, especially given you’ve never met before
To me it sounds like he just wanted you to go to his, do whatever then he probably would drop off the face of the earth
There truly are some odd creeps on OLD.

Nah, too similar, too contrived. It’s done its job in causing major frothing though!

OP is neither a friend, nor an acquaintance and this is a man messaging a woman he’s never met.

You (a married woman) saying this to someone you know is so very different that I can’t understand why you’d even say it.

Ok, first of all he was with someone who was just a friend and was clear he was not asking for a threesome, he was very clear multiple times in fact, and you were over-reacting to your own assumptions. Too many cocktails?

Now to the actual issues:

1. Never arrange a first date so late at night, it's giving the impression you are only there for sex. Meet at 8pm latest.
2. Never consider meeting someone you don't know at their flat because they say a friend is or isn't there - you have never met this person, he could be absolutely anyone, you risk ending up raped or murdered.
3. Never wait 2 months to meet an online date; chat a bit and then meet. Again, until you meet you simply do not know who you are talking with. There is no point wasting energy and excitement until you actually meet.

Not all responses but I think you are getting a hard time OP. I think you were probably right about the threesome thing. A total set up. He didn't deny your claims just kept trying to get you over to his place. You dodged a bullet.

What a drama! You should have said something like 'sorry about your friend, let's maybe meet up another time'. And left it there.

I doubt you'll hear from him again.

You’re definitely reading something different to the rest of us because NOT ONE PERSON has said they’d be happy with the change of plan and would happily have gone round to his house on a first date. Not one single person. Nobody.
In fact, people have repeatedly pointed out that the proposed change of plan was rude, flaky, disrespectful, thoughtless etc and that it should have prompted the op to leave, not enter into discussions about it.

What people have an issue with in terms of the OP’s behaviour is her leap to assuming he wanted a threesome and her badgering of him, and her 0-100 reaction. That’s what people are calling unhinged.

Once more, for the record, nobody thinks she should have gone round to his place.

OP, I don't know what some of these posters are on. There was 100% something dodgy going on - the guy was chancing it, and you were absolutely on the money. Well done for calling him on it and leaving.

The only reason the OP may have jumped in with the sex accusations is if their messaging for two months was steamy and sex was already on the agenda for the date.

Maybe there was the expectation their date would include sex.
And therefore another woman in his house led to these accusations.

And asking to see her so late- 10pm FGS for a first date- implies he was busy beforehand, maybe with another date (some people have their own versions of speed dating!) and he was tied up longer than he had expected.

At the very least, if all of this is just a fantasy in my head, he ought to have told his distressed female friend that he had a commitment.

But @Needtonamechange9 you need to really re-think where you meet guys for a first date.
A bar at 10pm (yes, I know you asked for 9.30) kind of sets the scene a bit for other things, compared to a coffee in Starbucks, just to suss each other out for an hour.

I thought the 'ideal' for online dating was a quick coffee in public, to see if you hit it off, not 10pm in a bar which involves you getting a taxi each way.

Not a good idea.

Wow your messages are just constantly accusing him of all sorts , major overreaction .
Men can have women friends you know.

I think 9:30pm/10pm in a bar is not a good first date with someone you met online. First dates should be during the day.

I think he should have told his friend he was going on a date and promised her they would catch up tomorrow.

He should not have asked if you wanted to meet up with her too and I agree him saying the three of you could “have a good time together” is a bit odd. I’m not sure I would have immediately jumped to “he wants a threesome” conclusion but I would think it’s rude.

I would have been upset in your shoes as I probably would have made a lot of effort for this date and it sounds like he didn’t. If his dad friend thing is true then maybe he’s a good guy but he’s going about it a really weird way!

One thing I've noticed about Mum'snet, is that if you post late at night, most of the first responses you get are people bashing the OP and disagreeing with her post. You tend to get much more sensible answers in the morning when us normal people have woken up.

I agree that his messages sounded weird and you were right to be cautious about going to his house. "Have a good night" sounded super sketchy and he sounded like he was on drugs.

The two things are different though.
Women friends - yes.

Women who just turn up on a Saturday evening and prevent him going out on a prearranged meeting- what's that all about?

At the very least he's a bit of wimp in that he should have told his friend he had other commitments.

Yeah, she didn't exist, as evidenced by him giving up the ruse and hotfooting it out when he realised you weren't buying it. Best case, he wanted sex without paying for/the effort of a date first. Worst case - well, worse.

Poster: I think this man I'm dating is behaving badly.

Mumsnet: you sound like hard work. What do you expect? Royal treatment?

Different poster: me and my normally brilliant husband have hit a bump and I'm not sure what to do.

Also Mumsnet: LTB. And burn all his clothes and shit in his shoes on the way out.

However … yes I think not going to a strangers house is right and you did the right thing not doing that , so that was a bit off on his part to ask , if that is the first time you have ever met him.

That would probably ring a few alarm bells to me , such a quick change of plans.

But Then I’m not very trusting of anyone .

Why does she sound “batshit”? For not wanting to go to a stranger’s home ? Blimey I worry for some on here !!!

Op you did the right thing in binning him off. Date was too late and took too long to meet up.

next !

I would bet my house that there was no 'friend in need'. Come on now.

Really confused at everyone saying you’ve over reacted. You haven’t. He let you travel 30 minutes and sit alone in a bar because “someone turned up at his house”

even if this was the truth it doesn’t take two seconds to send a message explaining the situation.

he quite clearly wanted you at the house with the girl for god knows what reason.

you didn’t over react and you’ve had a lucky escape.

She didn’t say he wasn’t allowed female friends?
The language he is using is sloppy and indicative to that of sexual intentions.

This made me laugh robustly 😆

You made the right choice not to go round Op, sounds like a ploy to get you into his house. Bet the friend would have conveniently left too. Perhaps he wasn't even who he said he was....

@Needtonamechange9 If you are reading, please, please, please re-think your approach to dating people you meet online.

The 'rules' are very clear to keep women safe.

-Don't meet late in the evening.

-Make sure you have your own transport (not waiting for a taxi that may never turn up)

-Don't drink to impair your judgement

-Tell friends where you are going.

-Keep your 1st date short, in a public place like a cafe.

The expectation of going home with them will always be there if transport problems happen.

I cannot believe you think for one second the sad friend was real!

OP you did exactly the right thing. Well done.

I agree @MayThe4th and the whole accusations of crazy is done to shame women often. Personally I wouldn’t have vocalised I suspected it was a threesome but that’s just my choice. It’s completely fair enough for OP to do so only i’d recommend people in that situation focus on getting away safely / home first before alerting the guy you’re wise to his ways . Because while she was texting him he could have just appeared.

Even if this man wasn’t thinking of a threesome or worse he is at the very least dim to not realise at 48 why it’s highly inappropriate and disrespectful to suggest what he did. so perhaps OPs messages will be the wake up call he needs.

Someone mentioned would he like his daughter to have said yes in that situation when she’s an adult and I think thats a great question. Once a guy I was taking to online lived near Belfast. I was wanting to go there for a weekend so he suggested he could meet me there as he goes there a lot.

I said fine assuming he meant he would come for the day as he lives near or sort out his own accommodation. Apparently he thought he could share a room with me ?! I said must be crossed wires but definitely not, please book your own hotel if you’re staying overnight. He became very insistent and said “we’re both adults this is ridiculous blah blah”

He was about 33 and had no kids but I asked him would he be ok with his sister or female cousin meeting a strange man in a hotel and that he should really consider the risk women face.

He avoided the question about his sister and just tried to ridicule me as paranoid and then asked what I was accusing him off ( DARVO) So I just quickly unmatched and blocked.