To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

No it isn't

Because inviting a friend round to yours is of course the same as suggesting that a stranger you’ve never met and is supposed to be meeting you elsewhere for a first date comes round to have a good time, after you’ve stood her up.

I can’t decide whether some people are deliberately obtuse or just thick.

And you know that these are the posters that when a woman ends up in an abusive relationship the blame her and ask her why? 🙄

Again, missing the point, no one said go to his house. You and a couple of others a small minority granted seem to think folks are saying believe him and go to his house. Literally no one said that.

all,the op had to do is say, ok I’m out. It’s the ott interrogation on sex and threesomes people are reacting to.

Oh I can..,

Lots of red flags.

Late for the date - rude.

You had to text him because he hadn't prewarned that he was going to be late - even ruder.

Wanted you to go to his house, at night, despite never having met - clueless.

Unable to say to a friend that actually has plans and needs to go - doesn't bode well for the future.

All in all it was a lucky escape without threesomes being mentioned.

In my opinion you both acted poorly and should not make any future plans to go on a date. What you both deem as acceptable behaviours appear to differ a lot.

Meeting late for a first date on a Saturday night in a bar is a recipe for disaster. The fact he was willing to bring a random person to your first date was not a good indicator of him looking for anything serious. It sounds incredibly far fetched that a female friend happened to show up at his door. Do people nowadays just show up at a friend's front door? If it did happen, the appropriate course of action would have been sending her home and honouring the plans he had made with you.

Your tone in this exchange of messages was accusatory and writing huge paragraphs like that never bodes well in the world of OLD. However, unlike some other posters I can understand where you drew the threesome conclusion from, although I believe that you probably should have kept it to yourself. If that's not what he was planning, he has still been late, flaky and disrespectful. They were probably drinking together for a few hours and he lost track of time. In his (possibly) inebriated state, he may have believed the three of you meeting up was acceptable on the first date.

I can’t decide whether some people are deliberately obtuse or just thick

Why not both? 😆

But OP had probably spent two hours getting ready, after two months of false intimacy. She also paid for a 30min Uber.
His friend may have dropped in, but he left her hanging and tried to manipulate her to his house.

He was no catch.

i think you massively overreacted. But I’d have left and blocked rather than get In this conversation

”He suggested nothing of the sort”

He did indeed say the three of them could have a good night, as the OP said. This about a proposed evening with woman he’s never met and a friend who’s allegedly very upset. He’s “pLying music” and they can have a few drinks?

I very quickly learned after university that most men think that asking them back for coffee is widely considered to be an invitation for sex. I was very fortunate that I got away with it unscathed the one time I naively suggested it. This is way worse as it’s late and he’s suggesting alcohol.

It’s late evening. They aren’t students. He’s supposedly a family man. At best he’s a thoughtless sleaze, at worst, who knows?

Op were you considering going to his house for sex, or thinking he might want sex, and how to handle, so it was uppermost in your mind? Is that why you immediately jumped to sex, a threesome and then whether he wished to shag his mate?

honestly all you had to do is respond and say I’m not ok with you not turning up, I’m leaving, don’t contact me again.

.

I would not have kept the message exchange going.
Once he didn't show up and said he was delayed with a woman, I'd have ended the chat, left and blocked him.

You had a date (rather late in the evening - why not 7pm or 8pm?) and he ended up giving priority to someone else (or so he says.)

Complete waste of space and not worth a 2nd thought.

Don't contact him again.

This exactly. I wouldn't have got into all those accusations etc. When he didn't come at 9.45 to 10 I'd have not messaged him, just scarpered.

No one thinks she is being unreasonable for leaving, he was being flaky and unreliable. We would all have done the same.

Where she was being unreasonable is the bizarre assumptions of threesomes and orgies which OP for some reason got into her head, and wouldn’t shut up about.

And TBH I wouldn't meet a first date in a bar at 9.30.

I'd go for a walk, or a coffee in the daytime or early evening.

A date so late in the evening involving taxis, drink, and what 'next' isn't always the best way.

I would have left because he messed you around and I wouldn’t go to someone’s house when I hadn’t met them in real life but your reaction and the conclusions you jumped to is just odd. Also 10pm in a bar on Saturday night isn’t where I would meet someone for the first time.

Well no, a lot have actually said that the OP comes across rude, owes the guy an apology, he has dodged a bullet, they pity him, etc etc.

Whether or not there was a female friend or he wanted a threesome, there is something very very off indeed about his change of plans.

He acted like a creep (trying to move a date to his house last minute) and deserved a bollocking rather than a polite blocking. Not sure she was on the right lines with the threesome stuff but I can see where she got it from.

If he was a slightly thick genuine bloke who got it wrong then she's done him a favour and he knows how he came across and won't do it again.

There are are plenty of creeps out there though who would pull something like this to get her round to his house without a second thought so I'm not sure why all the sympathy for him.

So many accusations too. Is she your ex, have you been drinking, do you want a threesome, do you just want sex, do you want to have sex with her, one only invites someone round for sex. It’s all so ott.

The person on orange had a lucky escape!

The person in grey sounds like a psycho!

Probably quite high on a very busy forum?

I wouldn’t think he was aiming for a threesome. But I also would have ditched him. He clearly has no common sense or understanding of women if he thinks anyone is going to come to a stranger’s house for a first date! It was disrespectful of him to suggest that.

In fact he shouldn’t have put you in this situation at all. The correct response when you’re going out and a friend turns up is either a. Cancel the date and apologise profusely because an emergency came up, or b. Tell the friend you’re going out. Not invite the date to come to your house and hang out with you and your friend! That was just a weird thing to suggest. Unless this was a real emergency (doubtful) it sounds like he’s never going to put you first and will always be getting sidetracked by friends.

I wouldn’t have got into conversations about threesomes. But OP wasn’t wrong for doing so. She’s entitled to react in whatever way she sees fit when someone is quite so inappropriate regarding a first date.

The problem with the “just say nothing” train of thought is that this is the kind of attitude which then leads to abuse victims being questioned as to why they didn’t leave. Rape victims being asked why they didn’t say no. Women being held responsible for the behaviours of men.

We are conditioned to just stay quiet, hence why when someone doesn’t she is being accused of being deranged and in need of therapy.

People need to stop focusing on the response about threesomes and look at the bigger picture and what that really was suggesting.

Anyone thinking this was just a lovely guy helping out a friend in need is naive to even think that could possibly be true. A lovely guy would know how inappropriate it was to suggest a woman he had never met come round to his house for drinks late on a Saturday night.