To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

He could be "a disgusting man" or an axe murderer. This is the issue with OLD it would seem.

The advice given by pps about meeting in the daytime for a coffee initially is sensible.

I just wouldn't have gone off at him about threesomes.

Just block him & move on op.

Yeah. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise what an arsehole you were. Now there’s two months of my life I’ll never get back.”

I've read the messages again and just noticed this from him:

I should have done but I'm too soft when someone (particularly a woman) tells me she has problems.

Taking the threesome and everything else aside, can you just imagine being in a relationship with this man? You'd be constantly cast aside for imaginary female friends with constant 'problems' and the second you complained he would tell you, 'You knew what I was like from our very first date!'

Blimey, you jumped the gun a bit there didn’t you?
Bad form on his part but I think he felt awkward asking his friend to leave and was trying to accommodate you aswell. He went about it in the wrong way, but your response was crazy.

I'm guessing your overreaction was due to being so invested after two months.
You did the right thing not meeting him though. I don't OLD, I'd rather be single. I thought the uber was a red flag, the time was a red flag, the going to his frankly dangerous. I doubt the friend existed, but either way he should have left her at his, he had plans with you.

Follow the excellent advice upthread about an early meet up, coffee only, safe place for the future. The months of chatting is creating false intimacy and will only get you over invested. (love is blind scenario) You need to meet to see if there is a spark early on.

What's an MRA?

YANBU to bin him off. As if you'd meet at his house for a first date. Red flags immediately. He sounds like he could be tight as well (free first date). Aside from the fact it's very risky going to stranger's house, the zero effort for the first date would put me off. Plus he was late and sun a yarn about another woman.

Oddball. So many of them of them the dating apps.

Keep going though. I met my partner on Bumble and we are still going strong 2.5 years later. I had to kiss a lot of frogs though (I'm early 40's). There were lots of low effort guys out there.

A good podcast which helped my self esteem was Matthew Husseys Love Life. Check it out. He has great advice for boundaries and dating.

My tips:

*Saturday night is a precious night in your diary (if you work full time mon - fri). Do not use it for first dates. Keep Saturday nights for guaranteed good times like seeing your friends and family or doing what you want to do.

*A good first date is a quick day time coffee. I met loads this way. Quick and easy and they have a low key spot in my diary. Those that seemed normal were sometimes weeded out very early on via the coffee date.

*9.30pm is way too late for any early date (and any date at all in my book but I'm no night owl)

*Hopefully you are doing this anyway, but always have more than one that you're talking to.

*I know it's hard (well it was for me), but don't let dating become your main thing. Have other hobbies and stuff going on. Don't let yourself become in the weeds with it

*have proper dates for a while - no cheapo 'just come round' low effort 'dates'. It's a good way to see what they're into and how they treat other people like waiting staff. Also good to see how they see you off home (do they walk you to the station). It's good to see how they spend money as well.

I have other tips haha (was online dating for a few years) but will leave it there. I'm sure you have your own ideas too.

Good luck. Onwards and upwards xx

Meeting at 9.30pm is too late for a first date.

First date I absolutely wouldn't have gone to his house.

I'd find the 'Have a date with him and his female friend' weird.

I'd be annoyed I'd travelled so far for him not to be there on time. And to have a crap excuse.

And yes when you go to a man's house there is often hope /assumption on the man's part of sex. And inviting you back before you have even met to meet him and his friend is creepy and yes could be a threesome.

He made no effort and wasted your time. Regardless of his intentions I'd end it on that.

Yeah this was a dickish thing to say.
Again, block and move on op.

I do, and no it isn't.

Oh yes and meet early!! Within a week or two max.

Another good dating man to listen to is Paul Brunson. He has a book out right now so is on lots of Podcasts. Listen to his advice. He's good on Fearne Cotton's Happy Place and Diary of a CEO (Stephen something...)

They’d never even discussed sex she said. After two months. The odds of him then thinking she’d come over and have a threesome is nearly non existent. Plus she went from that, to he was texting her as he actually just wanted to shag his mate.

yes, he got caught up with a friend who randomly turned up and was emotionally struggling due to a signficant relationship issue. But tje ops obsession with him either wanting a threesome, or to shag his friend (why would he even be texting the op if that was the case) is off the scale weird when you consider it was 100 percent pg until she started havering on about threesomes and thinking he wanted to do his mate.

What is wrong with everyone?? You arrange a date with someone, make the person wait, don’t reply to their messages and invite them to your house to have “nice time” with a “friend”?? These two have never met. He is a stranger. His texts are not making sense either. The OP says she has left and he is asking if she still is there?! I am really glad you didn’t go over to his house. God knows what type of creepy shit you were going to face!

I'm really surprised at some responses. Of course OP can't prove whether he wanted a threesome but he, accidentally or not, sure made himself sound like it! 'we can all have a nice time together"?! Hmm.

She comes across a bit fixated but he behaved very oddly indeed and like a complete timewaster, expecting her to go round there quite late at night to sit with a friend going through relationship issues as a first date. Who would think that was a solution?! Anyone with any sense (assuming the friend was real) would have prioritised one or the other, not tried to see both at once. How did he expect that to go down?!

Walking out and letting him waste a journey too was merited in this case.

Well I’d have left (or just cracked on and had a good time on my own) a long time before that, but just wow … you went from 0 to 100 in three seconds flat!
I don’t know what your back story is, but I really think you have some issues that you need to deal with before dating 😳

Or have you considered the woman was fictional and he was mentioning her to make you feel safe to go to his house? And when you got there she would have 'left'

I wouldn't see him again.

I was thinking this too. Maybe he had a date before you and he told her he was meeting a female ‘friend’ (you).

I don’t think you have overreacted, I wouldn’t have met him so late. I think 10pm is far too late and I’d be ready for going home at that point. However, the very minute he said he had a friend round and asked if you fancied all going out together I would have left. What sort of a person brings a 3rd person with them on a date? Whether or not he was planning on a threesome or just simply trying to lure you to is house, we will never know…. But I wouldn’t have told him that. I would have simply said “I’m sorry but I thought this was supposed to be a date, I didn’t plan on having a 3rd party at our date so I will leave it here” and then would have headed home. I definitely wouldn’t have thrown the accusations at him regardless of what I was thinking.

Made himself sound like it 😂😂

I’ll be sure I never say to my friends or acquaintance, come round to see my husband and I , we will have a great time, In case they think I’m a swinger.

No idea about the threesome but leaving you sitting in a bar for ages is a hard no from me.

The amount of trusting people on here is staggering.

Im With you tbh. I’m thinking you were messaging for months then he is flaky. My mind would have wondered if he was lying about the friend and trying to get you to come over or yes threesome. I might not have said it though! He was rude and messed you about. I would shut down messages that don’t intend to meet within a few weeks as it can be a massive waste of time.

Please ignore the people saying you are crazy or he dodged a bullet! No wonder so many people are in terrible relationships if this is what they accept on a first date. Yes maybe you jumped to conclusions with the threesome comment but he was suggesting you go to his house and ‘have fun’ with him and another woman as a first date- super weird! Block and delete. You are the one who dodged a bullet. Next time arrange a date at a location that suits you and preferably earlier in the evening. If a guy is into you they’ll be up for you. Do not wait an hour if they don’t show up, just leave after 10 mins if you haven’t heard from them. You will meet someone who you treat you well if you have high standards!

I'm absolutely stunned at the tone of so many of these responses. I know this is MN where people consider it reasonable to never open their front doors to a door knock, but this level of naivety and siding with and pity for the obviously creepy man in this situation would be really problematic for some here (if they ever left their houses), as clearly some are so sheltered they have never encountered the manipulations of a man with unpleasant designs on a woman.

Blind Freddy could see this is not a normal thing to do to someone you are keen to date. Blaming the victim (OP) is despicable.

Block, delete, move on. Not worth the drama

He was not giving your first date the respect required. Threesome or not..