To have left this date.

[Needtonamechange9]

So I'm pretty certain I'm in the right.

I've been talking to this guy on the Bumble app for almost 2 months. Finally pinned down a date we could both meet (tonight).

I spent time getting ready and uberring 30 mins to see him and this is what happens. I'm the grey one.

I'm still in shock and on way home. If you read the rest of the messages from before today this guy seemed SO NORMAL!!!! Has a good job, kids.... WTF!!!!

I understand not wanting to go to a man’s house on the first date. That is just basic safety.

is it really so grim out there though that your mind instantly went to assuming he wanted a threesome? Why does going to a man’s house automatically mean sex?

OP, I think your instincts are 💯 spot on. Bullet dodged.

OP I think you did the right thing leaving

There is NO way in hell I would ever go to a men I’ve never mets house to ‘hang out’ with him and a woman I’ve also never met or spoken to before. It was a ridiculous suggestion from him, and even if what he’s saying is true about the breakup and wanting to comfort her - he should have told her he was really sorry but he had a date planned and could they talk tomorrow.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time sending him so many messages and going round in circles with him. I’d have left and not even said anything.

I also wouldn’t agree to anyone who wanted to meet me at 10pm. That’s way too late for a first date.

Honestly such a weird suggestion from him - I think he was hoping for sex. Wouldn’t surprise me if the woman never existed it was just a strange way for him to lure you to his house. And when you got there she’d ‘gone’ and it was just you two.

grim.

“The three of us could have a good night” certainly sounds dodgy wording to me, OP. Way too casual for a man who is allegedly looking after a very distressed friend and simultaneously should be apologizing profusely for letting you down.

I’ve no idea if he was hoping you’d come over for a threesome or whether he was intending something much worse, but you were definitely not wrong to be extremely suspicious of his motives.

I can also see why you might have concluded he had been drinking. Technically his sentences make sense, but there’s a very odd vibe that’s just off. All the stuff about having a few drinks and chilling. “I’ve got the music pLying” (nice Freudian typo there). The insistence he’s a nice guy who can’t resist looking after a woman, but wants to date you long term (even though you’ve never met).

You definitely weren’t wrong to leave. I’m very creeped out reading that.

No, she doesn't. OP has never met this man before. How is she to know he is safe to visit in his home before having met him? How is she to know it is a female friend (convenient;y showing up) and not a male friend? Basic safety for women says, don't go to his place/away from the public on the first date!

Aside from OP's safety, he has prioritised some friend over a date she has dressed up for, that was organised in advance, that the date didn't bother showing up for; she has sat around feeling stupid on her own, and his messages make very little sense.

You sound crazy in those texts OP. Paranoid and weird. Think he’s dodged a bullet.

I think you were absolutely right to refuse to go to his house. Early stages of a relationship should always be meet in a public space.

I also think you were right to just bail. Someone not turning up within a reasonable time frame, asking you to come over, asking for a friend to join them etc. All pretty rubbish behaviour.

The threesome stuff and saying he wanted to sleep with the friend a bit putting two and two together and making six. I’d have been more worried that there was no-one else there and he was just telling you there was another woman there to make you think it was safe to go to his house.

I would have put the slight leap you made down to your safety radar going up and you just misdirected the adrenaline you got from being activated. It’s a serious red flag if someone arranges to meet you in public then wants you to come over. Very, very unsafe.

I think you understandably got into some unreasonable territory because you engaged with him for too long. It would have been a lot easier for you had you just noped out earlier.

As soon as he asked you to come over was the point you should have bailed out and blocked him.

But overall the unreasonable person in this situation is him not you.

So in short, your instincts were right, you just misinterpreted them slightly and in the future just listen to them better and quicker.

You think women should make it easy for men to rape them? You think women should have no standards and should let themselves be dicked around by men purporting to want to get to know them on a date, then doing a bait and switch?

I'm struggling to see the perspective of the people saying you overreacted. You absolutely didn't. He arranged a date and then had another woman come round his house instead! Then tried to invite you round with her there. Whether he was trying to initiate a threesome or not he was fucking weird, entitled and bizarre.

I would have had the same worries as you OP.
You listened to your instincts and kept yourself safe. Well done!
No way should a decent guy change arrangements and expect you to go to his place with another person suddenly brought into the equation on a first date. It’s very clear he was trying to entice you in to a situation you hadn’t expected and definitely didn’t want. He’s not to be trusted.

Because it does. And adding in the random female friend and talking about the three of them having a good night - dodgy as fuck

I wouldn't of bothered with all the messages, he didn't turn up, block and leave.

I don't think anyone is suggesting she should have gone to his house.

Why on earth are pps suggesting op should apologise to him? Took two months to arrange a date then stood her up, because a friend with boyfriend trouble needed a shoulder to cry on? What a load of horseshit. OPs right to be wary, he’s incredibly flaky at best, creepy at worst.

I am totally staggered that any person, especially a woman (which I assume you are) would see this situation this way. A nice evening? For a first date for OP and his supposedly boyfriend trouble having female friend in need? An hour after he was supposed to meet OP in the first place? Your naivety is troubling.

I agree he never intended to meet you there, that's why he chose a place so close to his house. The more I think about it the creepier he is with the intense pressure to lure you there.

It's a shame that two months of texting and an hour round trip are down the drain but you're well rid.

I don't know if he wanted a threesome or not 🤪

But I know he didn't make an effort, give a shit or behave normally! Rude, lazy, disorganised.

Some of these replies are nuts. You were 100% right. Red flags I can see

-Took 2 months to arrange a date

-Promised cocktails and Ubers; to treat you well failed to follow through

-Failed to be at arranged place on time

-Changed venue without consultation

-Had another woman in his home and invited you to join, clearly hoping for a threesome

-Ignored that you were uncomfortable

Never, never, never fall for the lies and manipulation of this sort of player you shoukd have blocked at gone home after waiting 15 minutes and the moment he said he had a friend there.

He sounds awful. You do not know him so why would you go to his house. If he was genuinely running late he should have called you. Dump and delete.

I can be direct but I don't think I'd have outright accused him of wanting a threesome. That would have been my first thought, but I wouldn't have said it. Or rather, I wouldn't have been able to say it without sounding like I'm jumping to slightly nutty conclusions with no real evidence!

Even if he was telling the truth, the fact is, he waited til you were in the uber/already arrived and changed the plans. On what planet is it normal to invite a stranger to come over and join a private discussion between friends about 'boyfriend trouble'? The friend wouldn't want that. And if I were the 'friend' and randomly turned up on his doorstep upset, I'd fully expect him to say, 'I'm so sorry, I have a date arranged tonight.' If he cancelled it for me, I'd know he wasn't that fussed, but I also would know that if he cancelled because of me, he'd probably blow his chance with his date for good, so I'd apologise and say we'd catch up the next day...

There's absolutely no scenario where it's normal or safe for a man to invite a bumble date to his home first thing - as a last minute change when she's already committed to travelling and they've agreed on a public venue. I

I suspect if you HAD gone OP, you'd have arrived and he'd have opened the door and said, 'Oh, friend just left, she was too upset/embarrassed/the boyfriend called and it's all good now'.

Totally agree. I'm amazed at the naivity and apparent willingness on the part of some posters to accept this guy's tall tales at face value.

This, also 10pm! I would have cancelled after he suggested that.

Edited to add I don't think he wanted a threesome because I don't believe there was never a female friend in the first place. The OP should have asked for a picture of both of them with today's paper lol.

YANBU
Very rude to expect you to go to his house, I would never go to a strangers house much better to meet in a bar. He was out of order.

You think the man who tried to get a woman he’s never met in person over to his house where another woman may or not be there as well has dodged a bullet? What a strange worldview.

Tantrum two hour train lady? I missed that one!

I think OP was in the right, regardless of whether this guy wanted a threesome or not. Pushing boundaries and trying to get her to go to his house is bad enough.