Page 13 | To ask what your 'glass next to the dishwasher' moment was?

Rosesareradish · 2024-02-24T21:23:18+00:00

Or is it the straw that broke the camels back? I was working today, so I asked DP to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. He was at home with the children, I was working until 6. At lunch time I text to say I would go to Aldi after work so I'd be late home. I got home at 7.15, I unloaded the car and he put the shopping away. I went for a wee and said goodnight to the children. I then went in to the living room to ask what was for dinner. Nothing! He didn't get anything out of the freezer, he gave the children soup for tea and he had a nice sausage roll he'd bought. No thought whatsoever to me eating. My irked face probably gave me away and he suggested I have cereal or cook something I'd just bought from Aldi. AAAARGH. AIBU to be so annoyed? I would never have left him without dinner after working. Especially if he then went and did the weekly shop afterwards (which he never does anyway..!)

Caroparo52 · 25/02/2024 18:43

When DxH2 said "you can't buy DDs a kitchen". They were 10 and 12 years old. What I realised was he meant was I want you to spend all your money on me.

swimsong · 25/02/2024 19:07

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 25/02/2024 09:07

I married young, in haste - to repent at leisure, I suppose. We had no children, although he was begging to start a family. He wanted to be a SAHD. He had a whole plan which involved me dropping him and the kids at his mum’s every morning on my way to work. Because he couldn’t drive.

He said the best thing about this arrangement would be that it didn’t need any tweaking and his mum could look after them on her own… whenever he went away “on tour with his band”. Which he did, every 6-8 weeks.

One day he came to me and asked if I would give him £2,000 out of my savings to buy a new PA system. He was going to become a wedding DJ. But he was going to need me to drive him around the country to the weddings, please.

I said no and we got divorced the same year. He’s still writing songs about it now, and playing them on his pathetic “tours”.

Remiind me of the old joke -

Question: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Answer: Homeless.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 25/02/2024 19:08

Pixiedust1234 · 25/02/2024 18:34

I'm sorry you had to suffer the same (twice) but no, I cant blame that. He's just the usual British white entitled male who found a woman who was already preconditioned to serve males. I'm the poster girl for all those mothers who think staying in an abusive marriage until the children are older is the best thing to do but I can tell you all, it really isn't. I look back and think how differently my life would have been if my mother had left. I was the one who had to clean the house aged 6 whilst my brothers did nothing because they were boys. I was the girl aged 8 who was expected to cook dinners for my father and three older brothers (11, 13 and 16) when my mother spent a week looking after her ill parent. The rage my father directed my way because I didn't know how to cook big meals still frightens me now fifty years later. My brothers were angry and blamed me for upsetting our father so it was an awful awful week with no escape. My mother accepted her treatment from him because of how she too was raised (don't complain, just get on with it).

After 40 years of being with this man, thinking this was normal, my eyes were finally opened when I visited mumsnet one day and read what healthy relationships should be like. That is how badly I have been conditioned from childhood. Still trying to escape but I can see the path. It will happen. These kinds of threads will help others open their eyes one day 💪

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I'm so pleased you are trying to get free, after years of being conditioned to accept abuse. I hope you have someone on your side to support you - wishing you the best of luck @Pixiedust1234

NotAgainWilson · 25/02/2024 19:10

I have a friend who was taken to hospital from work on an ambulance, they kept her for the day and when she called home to get picked up by he husband or her adult DDs (on their 20s, able to drive and living at home, she was told they were too tired and to take a taxi.

When she got home, she asked what they had for dinner and they told her they were waiting for her to cook something for them.

She packed a bag, called an uber and never went back. Two years later she was divorced, has a lovely partner who is very considerate and has no contact with exH and older DD who still blame her for the end of the marriage.

Sweden99 · 25/02/2024 19:20

TheLeadbetterLife · 25/02/2024 18:28

I totally agree. I hate it when this article is referenced because I think it's the opposite of what it claims to be.

All the way through the writer keeps pointing out that he had all these sensible reasons for doing the annoying things (e.g. planning to re-use the glass), clearly implying that his ex-wife was irrational.

The take-home message isn't "don't be a disrespectful twat", it's "put up with your silly, irrational wife or you'll end up single and doing your own housework".

He must be unbearable. That's why she left him, and he still doesn't see it.

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I think they are the main equivalent of "pick me" girls. Declaring themselves special with the most pathetic of justifications.

PumpkinSly · 25/02/2024 19:21

Ifulikepinacoladas · 25/02/2024 15:45

Of course there's bloody more to it! That's the whole point of the thread.
Don't pick apart the 'final straw' moment of these stories. On their own they would all seem petty or like the poster has over reacted. But the whole point is they are the last straw of a very long history of shitty behaviour.

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Blimey, calm down! I'm not picking apart anything. In nearly all of these posts the pattern of behaviour is obvious, but this one isn't to me. Was it just the lack of excitement for the posters victory (as I said I can understand that, especially if it was all the time and seemed like jealously), or did the champagne drinking and taking the kids to a firework display also play into it? Those two things don't seem like deal breakers. They were mentioned in the story, so the poster felt they were relevant. I'm wondering what else there is to this that the poster didn't mention. I'm intrigued.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/02/2024 19:22

I hate the men who write these things.
There is something in the tone, that suggests he learnt nothing. He was incredibly arrogant and self-important before, and having claimed to have learned that, he writes rather obvious advice as though he is a special sage.

Thats interesting @Sweden99 , I dont get that from him at all.

Passingthethyme · 25/02/2024 19:23

NotAgainWilson · 25/02/2024 19:10

I have a friend who was taken to hospital from work on an ambulance, they kept her for the day and when she called home to get picked up by he husband or her adult DDs (on their 20s, able to drive and living at home, she was told they were too tired and to take a taxi.

When she got home, she asked what they had for dinner and they told her they were waiting for her to cook something for them.

She packed a bag, called an uber and never went back. Two years later she was divorced, has a lovely partner who is very considerate and has no contact with exH and older DD who still blame her for the end of the marriage.

Wow. Good on her for leaving.

ecology1989 · 25/02/2024 19:28

Been a downward spiral for a while… I’d stopped doing his washing (to prove a point…) and he declared he’d ran out of clean underwear and that his pants were enjoying having a party in the laundry basket and he just chuckled to himself. I was like, this can’t be it. Moved out, divorced and now with a fantastic DP and we are a team. Life is just so much more better knowing someone has your back and you have theirs.

Sweden99 · 25/02/2024 19:29

@Atethehalloweenchocs, It might be that I am completely wrong. He does seem to acknowledge his fault, but rather than just accepting it was obviously grevious, he starts to pontificate. It might just be my reading.

NaughtyBoyGeorgeMichaelJacksonBrown · 25/02/2024 19:29

Told me to 'go tell someone who cares' when I was upset about some selfish shit he had done.

I did and they helped me leave him.

Big love to everyone seeing things for how they are, even if they can't leave right now.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/02/2024 19:30

All the way through the writer keeps pointing out that he had all these sensible reasons for doing the annoying things (e.g. planning to re-use the glass), clearly implying that his ex-wife was irrational.

But that is the whole point, isnt it @TheLeadbetterLife ? That men work from a position of 'this is rational and therefore right and if you dont agree it is irrational'. And from one perspective, if you think you will use your glass again, leaving it on the side makes sense. But that he had to learn that it did not matter whether it made sense to him. That if something was important to his wife, whatever he thought about it, by ignoring it he was telling her he did not care about her, and this had not occurred to him before. I think he summed it up (maybe not in this article) that men ignore what does not fit with their view of the world and he had to learn that was wrong and unhelpful for relationships.

Trinity69 · 25/02/2024 19:52

Mine actually wasn’t but really should have been, when I delivered our daughter at lunchtime and was promised a take away in the evening. By the time we got home it was apparently too late. Delivered a baby at lunchtime, no food all day and then he wouldn’t nip out to get me some food for the evening. He’s my ex and has been for 5 years.

carelesser · 25/02/2024 19:57

PumpkinSly · 25/02/2024 19:21

Blimey, calm down! I'm not picking apart anything. In nearly all of these posts the pattern of behaviour is obvious, but this one isn't to me. Was it just the lack of excitement for the posters victory (as I said I can understand that, especially if it was all the time and seemed like jealously), or did the champagne drinking and taking the kids to a firework display also play into it? Those two things don't seem like deal breakers. They were mentioned in the story, so the poster felt they were relevant. I'm wondering what else there is to this that the poster didn't mention. I'm intrigued.

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He finished off Champagne that OP had saved for 5 months. The champagne was a present for OP from someone else, not something they bought for the house.

The twat drank nearly all of it.

Coupled with his refusal to celebrate her promotion with OP, I suspect he’s another knobhead who is threatened by his wife’s success.

Starseeking · 25/02/2024 20:12

when he stopped flushing the loo after he'd pooed as he knew it made me feel sick to open the lid and find it there (I screamed the first time)

when he refused to pick me up from the airport after an 8 hour flight as "it's only 15 minutes away and I'll pay your taxi" (and didn't)...then tried to have sex with me when I got home and was lying down to rest after the journey

when I was having a miscarriage and he asked why I was so lazy as I'd been alternating between lying in bed and the loo bleeding it out, and never accompanied me to a single appointment or gave me a lift, not even when I had D&C under general anaesthetic

Wellhellooooodear · 25/02/2024 20:21

mondaytosunday · 25/02/2024 16:57

My husband had his flaws but he was generous to a fault, did all the cooking at weekends and cleaned up after. He had an extremely stressful job and worked well over 60 hours a week but never moaned about it.
He didn't do much housework, but was very tidy and paid for a weekly cleaner.
A friend, however, is a slave to her husband and (male) adult kids. Since I've known her there have been dozens of 'last straw' incidents to my mind, but she is far too forgiving. But this last example should really show her how much she is valued:
Her mother died last week and she went to stay with her father to support him and help with arrangements. He is mid 80s and not very mobile. She left her dog at home, asking her husband and son, who both WFH, to walk him etc. She came back four days later to a sink full of dishes (they have a dishwasher) and dog pee and poo in the house. No food in - the first thing she did (after cleaning the mess) was go out shopping. One of the first things they asked her was to make some coffee and what was for dinner. She told me this and just shrugged shoulders. Her sons treat her just as their father does, and she lets them.

That's awful. I was upstairs today ironing DCs school uniform, after taking them swimming and cooking a roast dinner and my 11 year old DS came upstairs and asked me to make him a cup of tea. I told him in no uncertain terms that I'm not a bloody slave and he should be making me a cup of tea whilst I stood ironing his uniform. He was very sheepish and apologised to be fair, before bringing me a brew!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/02/2024 20:23

I get it now @Sweden99 - to be fair, I have read a bunch of articles and stuff by him to try to understand his perspective, so maybe this one does not come across the best. Or perhaps there is a cultural thing, or he is having to ramp it up to get the clicks. Or maybe I am missing something! I do find his ideas useful though.

Sweden99 · 25/02/2024 20:32

@Atethehalloweenchocs, thank you! I am very happy to be corrected on this one when you do it very nicely. I am left thinking that his great insight was not that great, even for a mediocre man like me.

Sweden99 · 25/02/2024 20:33

@Starseeking ...and that really is disgusting abuse rather than a glass by hte sink.

DreamTheMoors · 25/02/2024 20:54

My former husband never ever cooked a meal, never ever did a shop, never ever washed a dish, never ever washed a single load of clothes, never ever hoovered or mopped or dusted, but he did manage, as a pilot, to impregnate a stewardess.
Men. Can’t kill ‘em, can’t toss ‘em off an airplane at 30,000 feet.

Starseeking · 25/02/2024 21:00

Sweden99 · 25/02/2024 20:33

@Starseeking ...and that really is disgusting abuse rather than a glass by hte sink.

I think it's called the boiled frog where they do little things at first, then keep on doing others which build and show their disrespect for you.

I left 6 months after airport incident and 2 months after the miscarriage treatment...it took me those 6 months to get my ducks in a row, and during that time I could see him escalating.

SauronsArsehole · 25/02/2024 21:04

Went out the night before a 20 week scan (previous miscarriages and lots of issues) was a pain in the arse to wake up to go to it. took fuck knows what (I suspect speed and weed plus the alcohol given who he went out with at the time) so was still out of it.

got to the hospital and the machine for scan pics tokens was broken and he refused to go and get the tokens from main entrance. I went and spoke to the receptionist who kindly gave me a token so I could get a picture free of charge.

by the time I was called in I hadn’t realised he had passed out and wasn’t following until the sonographer asked if he was coming in and i turned to see him snoring. It was very embarrassing with the other couples there.

I was done. I’m sure I was done for a while but that was the certainty.
told the sonographer no and that I was coming in alone.

Bunnyhair · 25/02/2024 21:08

@Sweden99 I’m so glad someone else thinks that man is an insufferable twat. What really jumped out at me the first time I read that article was his utter fixation on his wife having sex with someone else as a result of the marriage failing. He couldn’t seem to leave that out of any mention of the separation. It always read to me loke ‘if you want to keep your irrational slag of a wife from putting it about hither thither and yon, just indulge her stupid game with the dishes. Women have this thing about being “cared about” - best just to play along for an easy life.’

Starseeking · 25/02/2024 21:09

neilyoungismyhero · 25/02/2024 00:31

It's far too late for me to leave sadly but after 40 odd years of marriage he had a tantrum - one of many - and told me he was sick of me serving up the same old shit every night. I pretty much cook from scratch and his meals are varied...
I'm never getting over that..ever..until my dying breath

I really wish you were able to leave, what an ungrateful bastard.

And definitely stop cooking for him!

FucksSakeSusan · 25/02/2024 21:13

When I realised that everyone else would always rank higher than me and our kid in his priorities.

My step dad died and I spent a few days at my mum's helping support her and sort out his affairs. Came home, emotionally exhausted. He'd WFH while I was away - this was an option for him though he normally lived away in the week. I was back now though so in his eyes could take everything back on. He fucked off back to work and I was left, alone and grieving, doing the school run and dog walks and everything else. Had a total breakdown in the evening after mum sent me some details to check for the funeral and called him sobbing. He'd never been good with emotions and was no comfort at all.

Nearly shat myself when someone opened the front door at 3am. He'd decided to come back and WFH but hadn't told me.

Yes I was glad he had decided to come back and support me but it was the glass by the dishwasher moment. Work or responsibilities to other people had always come first but it took that moment for me to see it. He couldn't bear to let anyone down. Except me and his child.

Left him and now have a DH who is the opposite. I don't regret a thing.