My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

I get it. Dangerous sport. But he’s captain of the A team now and sorry for the pun but the mum dropped the ball on this one and there’s no going back imo.

2.5 years have gone by without SIL and her son having any kind of conversation about his sport. That's the really telling bit. It shows that
a) she's not shown the slightest bit of interest in something she knows is important to him (even if she thinks it's touch rugby) and
b) that he's deliberately been making huge efforts to lie by omission. Because any kid as enthusiastic and successful as OP says he is, would normally come back after a successful match bursting to share the result and their part in it. 2.5 years and he never once shared his success?

any kid as enthusiastic and successful as OP says he is, would normally come back after a successful match bursting to share the result and their part in it. 2.5 years and he never once shared his success?
I wonder about the apparent lack of tournaments, too. Something doesn't stack up.

I saw some kids out and about today who were both wearing ‘I’m vegan’ badges. They were c. 3 and 5 but their parents clearly wanted everyone to know they are vegan.

There was no food involved in the activity.

Anyone else suspect the dad enrolled his son at this particular rugby school with this exact plan in mind?
Living out his own thwarted sporting career.

You can just easily break your neck or back while skiing, which is why I said "broken bones and worse".

It may not be a contact sport but it's pretty bloody dangerous.

The SIL received emails about it. It’s really her own fault if she can’t be bothered to read emails from her child’s school. It isn’t that she wasn’t informed; she left all
the correspondence unread.

What else has she been missing - his report cards?

She clearly doesn’t talk to her son about the stuff that matters to him and doesn’t even open emails about his schooling.

I’ve got thousands of unread emails (I have ADHD; I’m awful at email). But emails from school and nursery go into my VIP inbox so that I can make sure I read them. Sometimes they’re important.

Head injury is a definite risk with skiing. About 1/5 of ski/snowboard injuries involve a head injury. Higher rates in children. Head injuries are the most common cause of snow sports death or life altering disability.

That’s why there is emphasis on getting people to wear helmets.

I went to uni with an avid player. He was genuinely always broken. Usually fingers or thumb though. Lucky never his head. At this point SIL is going to have to let go or lose her son. School may remove him but she won't see her son and your brother could possibly ask for a court order allowing him to play despite her protests (specific issues order) if it went that far. Can you have a chat with her, tell her you're pissed at them for lying too, you didn't know but ultimately he will likely find a way to play anyway and opposing him now will just drive him away.

I just can't get over the fact that your brother has basically created a situation where your SIL has been given an ultimatum about whether her son has contact with her, his mother!

Over a sport!

I've got to say, you brother sounds like a complete arsehole and his response should have been to prevent this from happening or todeescalate it. He should have been telling his son that they should both be apologising to her.
If I were her, I'd be wondering if this alienation was his plan all along.

This struck me as well.

I wonder if the real issue for SIL is that her DS is passionate about the 'wrong' thing ie rugby rather than being passionate about the same things she is passionate about.

As you have a good relationship with them both is there any way you can meditate a conversation between them? I do think you need your brother to concede he was an arsehole being deceptive but that he won't risk his sons relationship with her by allowing him to remove himself from her home. But your sil needs to concede she should have paid more attention all around, listened to her son and tried to compromise. But removing him now isn't an option as it's too far down the line. Your brother was completely wrong how he went about it but your sil is also completely wrong in that she flat refused him to play, takes zero interest in that part of her sons life and cherry picks what she thinks is safe e.g all sports gave risks, I'd even say skiing which she's fine with is just as risky

Your DN is very likely to be Gillick competent. He can make his own decisions as long as he understands what the ramifications are. The school only needs permission from one parent about anything to do with school. If the other parent disagrees, they will need to take that up with the family courts. The school will not (and should not) get involved.

she should have read her emails. It’s her fault she doesn’t know ..

he should not facilitate his son leaving the maternal home. That is childish cruel and reactionary behaviour.

time for the son to do some research online and provide facts to both parents. That way he is aware of the risks and knows what he’s got into. This may put your sil mind at peace … or not

School will probably roll their eyes, ask the child what he wants to do and put it down to another family that won’t talk to each other, but expect school to do their dirty work!

Not if she makes enough of a fuss. She has PR. I've known someone who had to take their ex to court over permission for school trips so I imagine brother could get a court order to allow the rugby if it went that far.

Apparently SIL is not interested in her DS's rugby but is very interested in his academics. Now - when he is about to choose GCSE options - is not the ideal time to fall out with him.

Was that for a 14 year old though? I have experience of warring parents in the Aus court system and at that age, the boy could pretty much decide who he wanted to live with

It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, if they take this to court it can go on for months, cost £1000s and during that time the child won’t be allowed to play.

I doubt very much the school will allow the kid to play if the parents are not in agreement as if there is an accident they will be, rightly, blamed.

DN may be claiming that he will move to his dad’s and at that age, courts will certainly hear his views but that is not the same as saying that they will agree with him as mum is a good carer, the main carer and having divorced because your brother is a workaholic, the court will be concerned that he wouldn’t be able to have his child living with him without neglecting him and again a court case about this will take months or possibly years to be decided UNLESS at some point both parents get to an agreement or one runs out of money to keep financing a legal battle.

She should have sent him to a school that plays football if she didn't want him to play rugby. She had her head in the sand.

This is quite odd - i doubt very much that his talent/success wasn’t mentioned in his reports; i also very much doubt that there weren’t team photos in newsletters, school magazines etc esp as its a rugby focussed school; and you say SIL was involved in his social life - some of that was prob rugby team focused? What about training sessions pre and post school and in holidays? I find it really hard to believe she wouldn’t have known for 2.5 years unless she is ignoring every bit of school material, schedules etc!

But - the son could just move out and live with his dad. Which sounds like it might happen. His mum can’t stop him. She can’t call the police because he’s living with a parent, unless there’s a prior court order. A court won’t find in her favour because his dad works hard if the boy makes it clear he wants to live with his dad.

11/12 and yes, 14 year old can decide he wants to only live with dad but that doesn't remove her parental responsibility. A parent can sign birth certificate and never see the child again but PR means right to choose education etc so they could contact all schools in area if they wanted and say no permission for child to attend and the other parent wouldn't be able to send them without court order. Having PR can literally mean rights over medical and educational decisions etc for a child they have never even met.

You’d hope she wouldn’t stop her child playing the sport he loves though.

if this is real - I agree with a pp. you’d have to not read any form of correspondence from the school or go to any P-T interview to be obvious that your child was playing playing sport to a high level. There’d be: mention of sport in reports, invitations to awards ceremonies where they got their colours or whatever, and of season ceremonies.

she is either next-level vacuous or it’s all a bit odd.

The main point now is their relationship going forward. Sil has no choice but to accept it if she wants life to resume back to normal with ds.

Db and dn need to do some serious grovelling though. And really accept the lying by omission is still very hurtful.