My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

Tbh, it sounds as of he will be playing rugby in his life anyway if he is naturally very sporty. Even if she stops him now, he’ll most likely join the rugby team at Uni and could play it anyway all through his adult life.

She sounds very controlling at least your your brother listened to what your DN wanted. He is old enough to make up his own mind. Sounds like she's pissed he shares an interest in that sport with his dad.

I'm not sure there's any sport that doesn't carry with it a risk of injury, including life altering injury to the neck, spine, or head.

Horse riding, football, tennis, swimming/ diving, netball, gymnastics, cycling, skating, hockey, gym equipment use, and even golf and badminton carry risks.

Motor sports, cycling, football, and equestrian sports carry the highest risk of any kind of injury. Rugby comes fifth. The most severe injuries happen in boxing, abseiling, gliding, and surfing.

Five people are killed and 82 are seriously injured in car accidents daily in the UK.

@toutouchrugby please make sure that DN is playing under 14 A team so with other boys the same age

If he has been playing with Under 15 or under 16 teams then that is wrong even if DN is a tall boy

Your first post doesn't really make that clear when you say he is sometimes playing for the FIRST ELEVEN (btw there are 15 in rugby union and 13 in rugby league and 11 in hockey and cricket) but he should only play with and against those of the same age

She got the email about rugby.

The fact that she didn't read it is on her.

He doesn't need her permission though, because he has as much right to make these decisions as she does.

If she'd signed the form to refuse instead, would that be just as underhand?

Sorry meant when you said 2nd eleven that is usually the name for the oldest team so U16 or U18 depending on how old the oldest boys at the school are

So if someone commits fraud again you and you don't spot it for a while, that absolves them of culpability for their initial action? Weird argument.

This is why I asked, he can play the year above if competent however no other age group.

Yes, OP the top team for rugby is the 1st 15, not 11. He would not have yet been eligible in school rugby to play for the 1st 15 until he is 16.

He does. But she has the right as a parent to disagree with and challenge his decisions. But for this, she needs to know about them.

It's not the decision itself which is necessarily wrong but not telling her.

I thought the same

I've just had a look to see what the rules are.
And the more I look the more I believe that the Mother isn't telling the truth.

https://help.rfu.com/support/solutions/articles/103000094877-what-are-the-rules-of-play-for-my-childs-age-group-

At the age of 13/14 the DN hasn't been playing full contact rugby.

It doesn't resolve them of culpability, but it often means you (as the victim) has no comeback as (in many cases) you only have a certain amount of time to make a complaint.

She was told! She chose to ignore all the contact from the school and absolved herself of any responsibility.

That's her own issue, not anyone else's.

I can’t believe DB and DN lied for so long. For me that’s just terrible! It’s also quite cowardly and I’d be concerned about what bad role modelling that is for DN….that he learning it’s ok to lie to someone close to you.

I do think SIL was wrong to have such a strong stance against rugby given how important it was to DN and DB. I can understand her worry about the risks but that has to be balanced.

DB should have addressed the issue and got to a conclusion back when the discussion was had. Although awkward it had lead to a very difficult situation now.

DB should accept some responsibility and I think that is likely to help. Maybe you can try to help her see that pushing the rugby stuff now is likely to cause more hard feeling. focus now need to be on moving forward.

Btw does the SIL agree with DN skiing?

You made a reference to skiing so wondered what her thoughts were about him doing that?

With league also in Y10 they are classed as the U16’s, he can’t play for the 1st team age 13/14 as it’s not allowed.

They sound as bad as each other but I believe your brother's heart was in the right place. He just wanted his son to do something he's passionate about and loves.
There is a risk to every sport but the school will take precautions.
The more his mum pushes this the more she pushes her son away.
To be fair to them she should have known, there is no excuse of having 10000 unread emails. Especially when they are from her son's school.
Those are ones that should never go unread.
They obviously just thought they would see how long they got away with it and in a way I don't blame them.
I think you need to keep out of it.
Yes they lied and they shouldn't have but it's for a kids happiness to play a sport he loves.

Children wear helmets to ski now, I thought, because of risk of head injuries, how has rugby changed to protect children's brains?

OP, why did your brother not tell her at the time he was sent the form to sign? Has he explained why he didn't just say "Ex, this is what DS wants to do so I'm going to sign the form letting him do it" and then deal with the fallout at the time?

It sounds like he's just prioritised an easy life over being honest and standing up to either his ex/his son. And that would worry me tbh. Is he going to take the same stance about other stuff as his son becomes older, like girlfriends staying overnight.

Her lack of attention to emails from school constituted negligence on her part.

She knew her son was going to a school where rugby was a big thing. She knew her child was sporty. She got an email that she didn't pay any attention to. This is conjecture, but it very likely said 'rugby' or at the very least, 'permission' in the subject line.

Your analogy isn't apt because this wasn't fraud. There was deception, but fraud and deception are not the same thing. Most of all though, there was negligence on the part of SIL.

Re-reading OP’s posts again.

Honestly this all seems like a bit of a storm in a teacup and presumably the deception was to avoid the melodrama from ex-SIL who sounds like a tonne of hard work and very self centred.

You have on the one hand, a very hard working father, who is involved in every aspect of his child’s life and supports in, and pays for, activities he wishes to pursue. The son is successful on account of this.

Then the mother, who has views without foundation regarding safety and what’s involved for a given age. And flounces about with her boyfriend and her hobbies and her friends…. To the extent that she doesn’t know her son has been playing a sport for 2 1/2 years and has been so good he is team captain.

She has no grounds to complain.

I also wonder is OP the ex-SIL looking for opinions.

Maybe he didn't feel the need to micromanage his ex and tell her to check her e-mails? I mean, she's an adult, after all.

As for the other point - if he does want to allow girlfriends' to spend the night in the future, then that's entirely his choice. His home, his child, his decisions.

I don't know why the SIL not dealing with the sport stuff is being described as "negligence" when it's not in the slightest. A lack of awareness of one area of your child's life (which as far as you know, is being dealt with perfectly adequately by your child's other parent within the boundaries you apparently agreed), while perhaps not ideal, is not "negligence" or neglect and it's rather farcical to describe it as such when you look at children who are actually neglected or negligently parented. This child has either one or both parents actively engaged in all areas of his life - where is the negligence?

His decision, but it doesn't fill you with confidence if your child's other parent is making decisions based on having an easy life rather than in your child's interests.